Anonymous asked this question on 4/16/2000:

Before my mother died many years ago, I purposely distanced myself from her physically and psychologically because she made multiple suicide attempts and I couldn't handle it.

When she died, I was living in Atlanta and she was living in Chicago. She died in February and the last time that I had seen her was at my sister's wedding the previous August. We had been in touch by phone and mail, though.

I have felt guilty about distancing myself since her death, but at the time I made the decision to distance myself, I felt that I was doing it for my mental health. Was I wrong? I know that I can't undo what is already done, but I still feel bad about what I did.

CeeBee gave this response on 4/16/2000:

Hi --

If your mother was making multiple suicide attempts, you had to protect yourself! No one would blame you in the slightest for separating yourself from her both in distance and psychologically.

I don't know how many happy memories you have from your childhood and more recently before she died, but she was your mother, after all, and she did give you life. I'm sure she loved you and somehow knew how much pain and grief she was causing her family, but was in so much pain herself that she wanted her life to end. And you say you were in touch with her by phone and mail lately, so at least the two of you reconnected.

If I were you, I would find ways to celebrate her life. Are there volunteer opportunities in the area where you live, perhaps at a nursing home, a library, a school, a church? Would you be able to give of yourself without losing yourself? An even braver step would be to volunteer at a hotline center in your area -- there might be hotlines for teen pregnancy, divorce, even suicide. Perhaps becoming a hotline volunteer would give you an opportunity to empathize with and console someone who would be going through the same things you have gone through.

If not through volunteerism, then find other ways to celebrate your mother's life. Plant a tree in her memory, create a memory garden in your own yard or with other residents as a community effort in a public area or park, register a star with her name -- only the limits of your imagination will slow you down!

I will pray for the comfort of your spirit and the cheering of your heart. Let me know if there is anything more I can do for you. (You see, my father, a minister, died six years ago. When I answer questions on AskMe, I try to honor his memory by helping people the way he did. So you have given me another opportunity to remember and honor my father!)

CeeBee

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