From:    Donna.
To:      Kim Storment
Subject: Re: Cycles of Behavior

Well, as with any bad habit, the first step is to acknowledge that we do
cycle off of and with others, and to accept that, while we're not 100%
responsible for the bad stuff on the cycle (nor for the good stuff on the
cycle), we are somewhat responsible for it.

Once we acknowledge that we participate in cycles, we can start to look out
for the different ways we perpetuate them.  If they're good cycles that we
*want* to perpetuate, we can figger out ways of enhancing our parts in
them.  If they're bad cycles we want to break, then we can start taking
active notice of: How we contribute to the cycle; Why we contribute to the
cycle; How we would *rather* contribute to the cycle; How we can go about
changing the way we contribute to the cycle.

Of course, it's a lot easier said than done.  For example, I used to
despair of all the Boys Lost for Their Mommies who always seemed to be the
only kinds of men attracted to me.  Time after time, for years, I succumbed
to a mothering role -- each time even more reluctantly than the last, but I
always succumbed.  It took getting pregnant and seeing myself ensconced in
that role for the rest of my life -- no way out -- that *finally* forced me
to realize how it wasn't just them, but that I had a part in all of this,
too.  In one fell swoop, I stood up and said, "NO!" to being a mother
again, at least until it was of my *choosing* (as opposed to a reluctant
acceptance of the circumstances).  You've heard this part of the story
before: I chose to relinquish the baby for adoption AND I cut the umbilical
cord with her birthfather at the same moment in time.  He was the one who
chose not to continue the relationship after I stopped being his
Mother-figure.... which, I believe, says more about him than it does about
me.

No, that sudden break didn't *cure* me of my willingness to allow myself to
be dragged into more Mothering sessions, but it did make it easier for me
to work on it.  Indeed, had the particular juxtaposition of various events
not occur as they had, I'd probably just now be *starting* to realize how I
was feeding this particular cycle of mine -- instead of already broken away
from it, so I can be working on *other* nasty cycles in my life.  (smile)

(Did I do okay, Teach?  )