From:    Elise
To:      Martha Brummett
Subject: Re: Sex And The Single __________ (fitb)


 MB> Lesbians *do not* have sex with men.  Lesbians are
 MB> women who love women and have sex with those they
 MB> love.

 MB> Your statement to the contrary may do a lot of harm.

 MB> By the way, those who accept heterosexual privilege
 MB> aren't gay, either.

 MB> I would expect to be laughed at, *at the least*, if I
 MB> showed up at someone's Kwanzaa gathering in blackface.
 MB> I see no use in trying to be something I am not.

   I quoted the entirety of your post in order to be clear and respectful.
Martha, I do not dispute your definition of what lesbianism is *for you*.
And I will support your identity and expression of it to the fullest
extent of which I am capable.

   I also do not dispute the lesbians that I have met or whose words I have
read who identify as lesbians even though they have slept with men.  Their
identity is for me to respect, even though I do not always understand it,
even if sometimes I may feel that they are just afraid to accept their
bisexuality.  Even if I sometimes feel they are behaving as bisexuals but
leaving folks like me to catch the flack for it.  Even so, I listen, and I
ask questions, and most of all, I treat them with respect, as much as I am
capable of.

   I dunno.  There is no one right way to be a lesbian.  If there were, we
never would have had the Sex Wars, or the Roles Wars, or the Est Wars, or
the Politicos-vs-the-Culturals Wars, or any of the other little skirmishes
over the True Meaning of Lesbianism.

   I respect seps.  I support separatist lesbian endeavors, monetarily
since it is not appropriate for me to attend and share energy that way,
and by standing up for their right to do what they see fit whenever the
issue comes up.  This doesn't make me a sep, but it doesn't mean I'm
trying to "buy them off" or "show up in blackface", either.  It just means
I support what they do.

   I also support women who do it differently.

   Some of them identify as lesbian even though they have, and may again,
sleep with men.

   I don't ask that you do the same.  That's your decision to make, not
mine.

   By the way, is the "heterosexual privilege" remark aimed at me?  If so,
I hope you are up for a good discussion.

                 Yours in struggle, although sometimes it's difficult to
                 tell who's on who's side.....

                                    -Elise

   The Kwanzaa remark totally mystifies me.  Not the reference to the
holiday; the sentence following it, I mean.  Were you thinking that I was
trying to convince you to sleep with men?  Or were you meaning to imply
that women who sleep with men should not show up at lesbian events?  If
so, the movement would have lost most of its leadership right at the
beginning....  Trashing bisexuals and straight women gets
counterproductive *real* fast.

   (Well, *this* ought to be educational....)

   P.S.  No, many of us who have opposite-sex partners are not "gay", but
we sure are queer, and we know a lot about oppression.  And a lot about
who our brothers and sisters are.  Are you my sister?