The Myth of the Male Orgasm
                            Bette-Jane Raphael

    Is there such a thing as male orgasm?  For decades, scientists have
argued about it, written tracts about it, philosophized about it, and, in
more recent years, conducted countless studies.  But as Dr. Mary Jane
Grunge, president of SMOS (the Society for Male Orgasmic Studies), said in
her opening statement of the society's ninth annual cookout: "We still
don't know."

    But do we?  Recent findings by Dr. Fern Herpes and her colleague, Dr.
Lavinia Shoot, indicate that the mystery is at least on the brink of being
unmasked.  Working under a grant from NASA, which was disturbed by the
cleaning bills for its last Apollo mission, Dr. Herpes and Dr. Shoot
conducted a study of 300 middle-class men between the ages of 14 and 23.
Their findingss seem to indicate that not only is there a male orgasm,
there may actually be two distinct kinds!

    While 43 percent of the men in the Herpes/Shoot study were found to
have trouble attaining orgasm consistently, or did not attain orgasm at
all, and while another 4-1/2 percent had no opinion, a whopping 50-1/2
percent (four men fell asleep during their interviews, which accounts for
the other two percent) admitted they had two distinctly different kinds of
orgasms.  After careful questioning, psychological testing, and physical
examinations, Dr. Herpes came to the following conclusion (Dr. Shoot came
to a different conclusion and left in a huff): there are two types of male
orgasm.  For purposes of clarification, Dr. Herpes called these penile
orgasm and the spherical orgasm.

    Of the two orgasms, Dr. Herpes hypothesizes that the spherical orgasm
is the more mature.  "Men who are enamored of their penises, who see their
penises as the seat of all sexual pleasure, are just a bunch of babies.  I
hate them.  Only the spherically oriented male can be thought of as mature
because he can identify with the female to a much greater extent than the
penile-oriented male.  Thus the former's identification with his balls,
which are the closest thing he has to female breasts."

    Dr. Shoot, who consented to speak in rebuttal to Dr. Herpes, had this
to say: "That woman is crazy.  Men don't have two types of orgasm.  They
just think they do.  My own findings reveal that they don't even have one
kind of orgasm.  Actually, there is no such thing as the male orgasm.  What
passes for orgasm in the male is really a mild form of St. Vitus dance.
This afflicts more than 55 percent of the male population in this country,
and if Herpes wasn't so hipped on orgasm she'd admit she's wrong.  But as
far as she's concerned, _everything_ is orgasm!"

    It should be noted that Dr. Amelia Leviathan is in close agreement with
Dr. Shoot.  She too believes that what passes for male orgasm is actually a
disease.  But contrary to Dr. Shoot, she believes the affliction is
actually a form of epilepsy localized in the groin.  She feels she proved
this in her much publicized recent study of 100 male rats, 50 of whom had
epilepsy.  The epileptic rats, Dr. Leviathan found, could mate with the
female rats, even if the female rats didn't want to.  The nonepileptic rats
just sat around exposing themselves.

    Confusing the question of male orgasm even further is Dr. Jennifer
Anis, who conducted a study of nearly 700 married males in their late 20s
and 30s.  According to the results of her study, the issue of male orgasmic
or nonorgasmic capacity is clouded by the fact that many men simulate
orgasm in order to please their partners.  Nearly 25 percent of the men in
the Anis group admitted they had at some time in their marriage faked
orgasm either because they were tired, or because they knew their partners
would be hurt if they didn't climax, or because they had headaches.

    Nearly half the men in the Anis study had mild to severe orgasmic
difficulties.  (It was this group, incidentally, whose psychological
profiles appeared in Dr. Anis's widely acclaimed paper, "The Prostate, the
Penis, and You-oo", wherein it was revealed that all the orgasmically
troubled men shared a common fear of their mothers' cuticles, a hatred of
Speedwriting ads in subways, and a horror of certain kinds of peaked golf
hats.)  What has not been revealed until now, however, is that a great many
of these men lead perfectly satisfactory sex lives _without_ orgasm, a
finding which would seem to put to rest the theory that men must achieve
orgasm in order to enjoy sex.

    Well, if men can enjoy sex without orgasm, can they also become fathers
without achieving climax?  Here again the answer is by no means clear.  Dr.
Herpes and Dr. Shoot, of course, disagree.  Dr. Shoot says yes, they can,
if they think they can.  Dr. Herpes says no, not unless they have either a
penile or a spherical orgasm.  Dr. Anis believes they can fake it.

    Lastly there is the question of the multiple orgasm.  Do men have them?
Unfortunately, here we are still very much in the dark.  The only person
ever to do research in this area was Dr. Helen Hager-Bamf, in 1971.  From
January through April of that year, Dr. Hager-Bamf personally tested more
than 3,000 randomly selected men for duration and number of orgasms.
Tragically dead at the age of 28, she never recorded her findings.

    So where do we stand?  Is there such a thing as male orgasm?  Can men
enjoy sex without it?  Is a low orgasmic capacity psychologically or
physiologically induced?  To quote Dr. Grunge at her recent press
conference, "Who knows?"

    Perhaps the answers are not as important as the fact that the questions
are finally being taken seriously.  So that, someday, the boy who sells
shoes, the young fellow in upholstery, and the man who sews alligators on
shirts will no longer have to walk around in perplexity, confused and
unnerved by the myth of the male orgasm.

    When that day arrives, perhaps male sexuality will come out of the
bathroom and into the bedroom where it belongs.