From:    Donna.
To:      Robert
Subject: Re: Dawn Of A New Era

> I am, reading about women having orgasms left and right, and I can't give
> my beloved but one?  (Women, if you'll discuss it: what WORKS?  Anything?)

Well, you told us at least four different things that are getting in the
way.  Wanna know what they were?

Specifically:
> in the 18 months of my most recent relationship, I
> gave my partner *one* orgasm.

and:
> We tried several different positions and techniques; the one that worked

and:
> I felt (and still feel) somewhat inadequate because of this;

That first quote holds two of 'em: in a year and a half, you *counted* her
orgasms?  Not only that, but you consider them to be something that you
"gave" her?  If she knew you were counting (if she was also counting), if
she knew you considered it a measure of *your* "success" (or if she
considered it *your* responsibility), that just doubled your trouble.

As if that weren't bad enough, you went to the trouble of trying all kinds
of positions and techniques.  It sounds like "try it once; if it doesn't
work, throw it out" -- with "work" meaning "her orgasm", and translating
into THIS ISN'T FUN ANY MORE, IT'S WORK!  No doubt, she felt some negative
vibrations from your feeling inadequate (somewhat or much, doesn't matter),
which didn't help, either.

Sex isn't something that we do "to" each other -- it's something that we do
WITH each other.  And yes, that counts for one night stands, too.  I mean,
you're both there, right?  You're both participating, right?  Well, try to
remember that.... and try to help any future partners you may have to
recognize and remember that as well.  Unless you're masturbating (and
sometimes when you are ), sex is a GROUP (couple) EFFORT!

First and foremost, try to stop thinking of her orgasms as a performance
yardstick that YOU are being measured by.  Robert, it's *her* orgasm, ain't
it?  If you put up that imaginery yardstick, that reinforces all the
"conventional wisdom" that she's probably soaked up through her life, and
just complicates matters.  And if she cares about you, she's going to be so
worried about YOUR EGO that she won't relax long enough to climax.

Once you take the performance yardstick out of the equation, lots of other
things fall out of the way, too.  If you're trying new positions *just* to
try to give her an orgasm, you're probably wasting your (and her) time.
Experiment to have fun, but have your fun *with* the experimenting itself;
don't use the experimenting as the means to achieve some specific kind of
end.  If it feels good for both (all?) of you, have at it!  Maybe later,
after the act is over and you're basking in the aftermath -- or maybe, even
a day or two later -- the point is to do this sometime other than when
you're having sex -- talk about it.  Find out what kinds of things you both
did that felt good (or not good) to the other.  Most importantly, though,
is to pay attention to each other.  Understand that neither of you will
necessarily enjoy or dislike everything that your previous partners liked
or didn't like.  Go with the flow.

> When has anyone encountered a "normal" and willing man
> who has not had an orgasm during sex?

Lots of times.

> On the other hand, how often have "normal" and willing women not had
orgasms?

Unfortunately, lots of times.

> (I believe part of the connection here may be that there is a biological
> imperative for the male to ejaculate; otherwise the race cannot continue,
> for the egg will not be fertilized.  A female's pleasure is superfluous
> from this biological perspective, except that an orgasmic female will be
> more willing to copulate....)

Actually, a woman ejaculates, too.  It just comes from a different source
(pun accidental ), that's all.  It's my understanding that the female
ejaculate of an orgasm assists the sperm in their way up to the egg.  In
other words, if I understand my biology properly, an orgasming female is
almost as important to the continuation of the species as an orgasming male
is.  (Besides, how many men have climaxed *without* ejaculation?  Be honest
(but you don't have to tell us in public ).)