I picked this up off of the Canada Free Chat echo. It was a
response to a letter someone wrote to a newspaper or something
like that. I thought you might like it.
Nice Guys Laugh Last by Denis McGrath
It all comes down to the beast with two backs. How
delicious. Now that Malene Arpe has let the cat out of the
bag ("Why Nice Guys Make Lousy Boyfriends"), we nice guys can
finally towel off the bile and get on with our lives.
For those of you who might have missed it, Ms Arpe
definitively answered the age-old question, "Why are all the
nice girls always dating assholes?" Y'see, it's the SEX.
Dope-smoking, thieving, deviant, narcissistic, two-timing
lizards bereft of empathy or human feeling apparently stoke
the fire down below in a way that normal men never can.
Speaking on behalf of nice guys everywhere, let me express
the enormous sense of relief we all feel at this, true
confirmation of that which we had previously only suspected.
You see, we always knew it had something to do with sex.
I mean, let's be honest; the way you kept flocking to those
creeps over and over, making that sickening thumping noises like
flies splattering on a no-pest strip; well, gosh, let's just say
it got pretty unnerving. We figured it had to have something to
do with all that thrashing and bumping going on next door; it's
the only time you seemed to be happy.
Now, in this new spirit of honesty and revelation, can we
just make one simple request? Will you, like, SHUT UP now?
I mean, just stop calling us at 12:30 in the morning,
crying about how he ran over your mother with the Harley,
guzzled your baby sister's insulin, stole $50 from your purse,
and had sex with your best friend.
Y'see, the only reason we listened was because we thought
it was the right thing to do, and that if we did it, one day you
or someone like you would realize we cared and maybe we'd be
good together. You know - in THAT way.
Shut up with the "Let's be friends" and the "Why doesn't he
understand me like you do's." Shut up with the whining, and the
"Could you please come over and cheer me up's".
Shut up on Oprah. Shut up in the Life section. Shut up to
Ann Landers. You're getting a great shagging, you've made your
bed... now lie in it, and hope that Mr. Excitement doesn't set
it on fire with that stogie he got at the Brass Rail.
It's not that we don't care anymore, because we do. I mean,
we're nice guys, right? It's just that we're all going to be
pretty busy doing stuff. Besides the masturbation, I mean.
As long as we know that this sex thing has got you tied up
with our... uh... less humanist brethren, we might as well put
all that pent-up energy to better use. I've talked it over with
the rest of the guys (we meet in basements all over the city,
Saturdays at 8 p.m.), and we've decided to go back to school.
We're really going to try to improve ourselves. We're going to
write more, expand our horizons, take advantage of this science
and technology thing.
We're going to spend our time and energy getting rich and
successful. It's going to be much easier, freed from the burden
of having to worry about your problems, and not having to pine
away for all the sex that we're missing.
The way we figure it, in about 10 years, whoever's left among
you is going to be so tired and broken from all the screaming,
the nights of scraping together bail money, diving for the phone
and crying in the bathtub, (not to mention all the expensive
therapy) that we'll just move in there and BING! have it all.
Oh, sure, our youth will have passed us by, without those
exciting recollections of sex on the coffee table, sex in the
library cubicle, sex in the appliance department... but that's
OK. We've decided to make up for it with a really juicy mid-life
See, the plan is, when we all hit 40 and it starts to bug
us that maybe we missed out, we'll just start sleeping with
co-eds 20 years younger than you! Because, by then, we'll all be
really distinguished, like, and they'll go for us because we're
so sophisticated - and rich. You see, it'll all work out just
fine. So thanks for the candor and the inspiration. If it wasn't
for you... gosh, we couldn't have come up with any of this.
- Denis McGrath
... Hefty Condoms....for when you pick up real trash!!