From: Starwyn

1. MOM'S SURVIVAL TIPS

2. Don't try to live with anyone who insists on
   alphabetizing your spice rack.

3. When someone tells you that what he's about to
   say is "for your own good," expect the worst.

4. Do not make an obscene gesture at anyone driving
   a pickup truck with a gun rack.

5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but
   don't swallow it whole.

6. When a politician says, "Let me make something
   perfectly clear..." remember that he usually won't.

7. After a certain age, if you say something
   outrageous, everyone will think it's cute.  Take advantage of this.

8. Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas.  They make
up for all of the    things you got away with that nobody
knows about.

9. Don't wait for the funeral to say something kind or nice about someone.

10. Your children may leave home, but their stuff will be
in your attic and     basement forever.

11. If you wouldn't want to see it in a newspaper or on the
evening news,     don't do it.

12. If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just
    can't put it into words," he doesn't know what he means.

13. Don't let a child with the stomach flu sleep on
    the top bunk.

14. If a man has to hire a public relations firm to
    shape his image, he doesn't know who he is, and more
    important, he doesn't want you to find out.

15. The only receipt you don't save is the only one
    you'll need later.

16. If you humiliate yourself, be consoled with the
    thought that you probably made someone else's
    day...maybe even their week.  Think of your
    humiliation as an act of charity.

17. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the
toilet when you're     taking a shower.

18. The value of a cat is its utter indifference to
    its owner's importance.

19. Never purchase a tool to clean behind radiators,
    because you won't have an excuse not to clean there.

20. Don't waste time trying to be your own best friend; you
can't pat     yourself on the back, and it's unsatisfying
to cry on your own shoulder.     Find a real friend
instead.

21. Think like a good actor:  Observe, observe, observe.

22. It's a proven fact that zipping up a small child's
snowsuit will cause     her to wet her pants.

There is no known cure for this.

23. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much
fun it is to be     idiotic.

24. Two people cannot successfully operate a TV remote
control in the same     room at the same time.

25. If you want to hid candy bars so you can eat them after
the kids are in     bed, put the candy in the freezer in a
paper bag labeled "Fish."

26. And know when to leave the stage, Like right  now.