Frequently Made-up Questions sheet

By David Rice, Last Revised 21 August, 1993
Q: What is "HOLYSMOKE?"
A:  HolySmoke, the "McLaughlin Group" of FidoNet echoes, is an arena
wherein  people with deeply-held religious convictions may come  and
set  the ignorant Godless heathens straight, or not, as the case may
be. This is the echo where echovangelists are banished when they are
off-topic  in  other FidoNet echoes, such as A_THEIST  and  COOKING.
(See  "Echovangelist" entry below). It is the "electroshock  therapy
for  religion  addicts"  cure that so many FidoNet  members  are  so
richly  and  clearly  in need of. The moderator  is  Styx  Allum  of
1:152/20. If you don't like his name, insult his parents. It's REAL!

Q:  Why is the phrases "You seem bitter" and "My, you're so full  of
anger" so often used by religionists in HolySmoke?
A:  These  phrases are often used as replies to excessively abrasive
arguments  by  an  agnostic  or atheist that  has  demonstrated  the
religionist's  pet  assertions false;  the  religionist  resorts  to
eliciting an emotional response instead of addressing the  topic  at

Q: "You seem bitter / full of anger! Why?"
A: Let John Musselwhite answer that, because he did it so well:

    "You  may  be  missing  the point.  The  people  who  are
    ridiculed  (as  it  were) are not  those  who  profess  a
    simple  belief  in a creator; they are those  who  insist
    their  beliefs  are  correct and we  MUST  ALL  bow  down
    before  GOD before we all roast in Hell. Then  there  are
    those  who  make ridiculous claims about the veracity  of
    their  "Book"  and  attempt  to  use  pseudo-science   to
    "prove" they are right. As for myself, I could care  less
    who  a  person  worships,  although  I  usually  strongly
    disagree  with  their  intent. As a  secular  student  of
    biblical   times,  I  have  learned  a  lot  about   what
    Christianity  was really all about (IMHO) and  what  life
    was  like  in  first-century Judah.  Personally,  I  feel
    those  who take the Bible literally and those who  follow
    Pauline  thought  should  study  more,  and  attempt   to
    understand  what was REALLY going on! By far the  biggest
    problem  though,  are those who insist I  should  pay  to
    support  their  religion. Our city  supports  a  separate
    school  system  for  Catholics, and  the  duplication  of
    services  and buildings costs every one of us. There  are
    many  examples of religion being pushed on those  who  do
    not  wish it. We who do NOT wish to have anything  to  do
    with    religion   must   suffer   through    innumerable
    disturbances  from  people  who  insist  their   religion
    should be in the forefront. THOSE are the people who  are
    the targets of ridicule in this echo!"

Q: What is "hag-in-law?"
A: It is the phrase "Mother-in-law," which has been HolySmokeized. I
thought this was obvious.

Q: "Why is everyone picking on me?"
A:  Chances  are,  you  deserve it. When someone  asserts  wild  and
baseless claims, and then insists that others believe these  claims,
one  may  expect a little heat. Some assertions that generate  heat:
"My  book  was  written by god because it says so, and god  wouldn't
lie."  "God  hates such-and-such." "God loves such-and-such."  "I'll
pray for you, you stupid ignorant gibbering idiot pitiful atheists."
Most  of  the  theists  in HOLYSMOKE are not picked  on  or  abused,
because  they  do  not bring it upon themselves. Most  atheists  and
agnostics,  Pagans  and  Wiccans and  other  disreputable  folks  in
HOLYSMOKE  get  their toast fried now and then, too, so  don't  feel
you're alone in your "persecution."

Q: "But this is serious stuff! Don't you realize you're in danger of
A: One person's religion is another person's belly-laugh (Heinlien).
Not  everyone will share your delusions / spirituality. What you may
say  in  all seriousness could very well make lots of folks  bust  a
lower intestine with mirth.

Q: What is "Hir?"
A: Politically correct gender-neutral noun, "Her + Him = Hir."

Q: What is "Crucifixation?"
A:  A  state  of  mental  duress, usually  inside  a  fundamentalist
Christian  brain,  that  admires  blood,  guts,  suffering,   agony,
drinking blood of God and eating His body, and usually wishes to  be
crucified  and  martyred  hirself.  This  fixation  prevents   those
afflicted  with it to question why Jews would crucify a  heretic  in
the Roman fashion, when death by stoning was the preferred method of
disposing of sons of Gods.

Q: What does "Athiest" mean?
A:  Bile-ed  if I know! Christian Comics use this word to  represent
people  without  morals;  heathens without  ethics;  lawyers;  baby-
eaters; perverts; sodomites; people who voted Democrat. This word is
universally  used  by theists, to demonstrate the  abysmal  lack  of
education  and spelling ability of North America (from  whence  most
HOLYSMOKErs reside).

Q: What is the "Flood Of Ignorance?"
A:  The Creationist's claims of a global flood, survived by Noah and
his clan, whereby millions of humans died horribly; whereby billions
of  animals  died  in screaming terror by drowning---  your  typical
Christian Death Cult story, which they get off on so much.

Q: And what's this "IHS!" thing?
A: This can mean a great many things! It was originally coined by  a
HolySmoke  Regular to mean "In His Service!" though it is not  clear
just who "His" may be. Usual variations may mean "I'm Happy Stupid!"
SHIt  backwards, "I'm Helping Satan!" "In Hitler's Service!" "I Hate
Science!"  "Idiot Has Spoken!" "I heat sausage!" "I Hate Spam!"  and
others  far  too  numerous  to mention. The  most  common  usage  in
HOLYSMOKE  means "BULLtIHS!" The original meaning is "In Hoc  Signum
Vincit,"  referring to the Christian crucifix as "By  this  sign  we

Q: What is "One Nation Under God?"
A: Iran.

Q: What is a "Creationist?"
A: What apes evolved from.

Q: What is a "Not Real True Christian?"
A:  When  murder,  mayhem,  rape, and atrocities  are  performed  by
Christians in the name of God, their partners in religion  say  they
were  not Real True Christians. Some famous Not Real True Christians
include  Jim  Bakker,  Jimmy  Swaggart,  Jim  Jones,  Hitler,  Jerry
Falwell,  All Catholics, Jeffrey Dahlmer, Mike Warnke,  John  "Todd"
Collins, Mormons, God Jehovah, and the IRA/Provos.

Q: What is a "Real True Christian?"
A:  A Christian, individually or grouped in a herd, that has not yet
been  exposed  as  child  molesters,  pornographers,  whore-mongers,
serial  killers,  or  income  tax  cheaters.  (See  "Not  Real  True
Christian.") Some famous Real True Christians are Gandi, who wasn't,
Buddha, who isn't, and Jesus, who never existed.

Q: What is "Christian Double Standard Time"
A: This is the standard that some Christians use to judge who is and
is  not  Christian. If a Christian commits a crime  for  Jesus,  the
perpetrator may or may not be a criminal or Christian, depending  on
the crime. See "Not Real Christian."

Q: What is a "Christian Comic?"
A:  In a great many FidoNet echoes (well, -ALL- of them), there  are
days  when  a  Christian Fundamentalist waltzes in,  says  something
hilarious,  then waltzes out without regard for topical relatedness,
quality,  protocol, or desire for rational dialogue. Humorous  stuff
like  "You're  forever damned for all time," or "The  first  law  of
thermodynamics says evolution is false (they don't know how to count
to two)," or "They aren't Real True Christians."

Q: What does "IS NOT!" mean?
A: This is the Theory of Creation Science.

Q: What is the "Theory of Creation Science?"
A: "IS NOT!" Creationists refuse to provide a theory of Creationism,
because they do not have one. Therefore it is damn hard to teach  it
in  public school, yet they still demand that it should (go figure).
Creationists  assume  that if they can find  holes  in  evolutionary
theory,  their religious beliefs become true via default.  Therefore
their  efforts  are  never to find evidence to  falsify  their  non-
existent theory, but to "prove" evolutionary theory unsound---  this
effort they call "Creation Science," which it isn't.

Q: What is the "$15.00 God Challenge?"
A:  David  Rice will give US$15.00 to anyone who can prove He  isn't
God.  Previous attempts have failed miserably, as contestants assume
that  He  must  perform some miracle for them, which  would  be  Him
proving He is God, and not them proving He is not. This challenge is
a  thought experiment for theists to consider when they assert proof
of  their tiny little gods and disproof of Others like the One  True
God,  David  Rice. If they can prove their god(s) are  real,  surely
they can prove Omnipotent Rice isn't?

Q: What is the "Mutant Star Goat?"
A: The One True God, Who created life, the universe, and everything.
Now  prove me wrong! This is another thought experiment for theists.
Everything  they claim for their God(s) can be said  for  Star  Goat
with  equal  validity. Star Goat (braise His  name)  sent  His  only
begotten Son, Billy, to Earth to die on the Holy Bar-Be-Que Pit  for
us.  Those who continue to deny this truth will be eaten on Judgment
Day  by Star Goat, to stew in the Holy Bile for all eternity.  If  a
theist  believes she or he can punch a hole in Star  Goat  theology,
they  should come to realize eventually that every hole they  create
APPLIES EQUALLY to their God(s). No one can prove Star Goat  is  not
the  One  True  God, and Goatees know in their hearts  that  He  is,
therefore He is! QED.

Q: What is a "Goatee?"
A: A devotee of Star Goat.

Q: What is "Bile-ed" and "Bile-it?"
A:  When evil sinners, or anyone else who did not worship Star  Goat
in  life,  find  themselves dead, their souls will be  swallowed  by
Billy, Star Goat's only beGoatten Son, to stew in the Holy Bile  for
all  eternity. This is roughly equivalent to "damned" but unlike the
falsehood of Hell, the Holy Bile EXISTS! Goat save you if you  don't
hurry  and accept Billy as your Personal Savior! Send money! We  are
the advocates of the Goat Life! Honest. (No refunds.)

Q: "Pink, invisible, flying hippo?" Excuse me?
A:  Yes.  Her  name  is Daisy, and she leaves invisible,  smell-free
turds  on the keyboards of every fundy that posts in HOLYSMOKE.  Now
prove  she doesn't! When someone brings up the non-measurability  of
their  favorite  god  (Jesus, Satan, Yahweh, Jehovah,  Zeus,  Odin),
others bring up Daisy and point out that the evidence she exists  is
identical to the evidence their god(s) exist.

Q: What is the fastest land animal?
A: The cheetah.

Q: What is an "Atheist?"
A:  One  who  is  "without a theism." There are two basic  forms  of
atheism: the strong and the weak. The strong form says "God does not
exist."  The  weak form says "I do not believe in the  existence  of
God."  Generally, an atheist is a "non-theist." If ever evidence  is
produced  to demonstrate that any particular god exists, I  for  one
will stop being atheist. Got proof? Let's see it!

Q: What is an "Agnostic?"
A: One who doesn't know, or give a shit, if God exist or not.

Q: What is a "Diagnostic?"
A: One who doesn't know, or give a shit, if -TWO- Gods exist or not.

Q: What is "God?"
A: David Rice.

Q: No really: what is "God?"
A: God is someone theists attribute all the good things that happen,
like  "I thank God for letting me win this football game," or "Thank
God  they didn't catch me molesting these alter boys," or "Thank God
for  my  job  / spouse / slaves." This Guy gets all the  credit  for
other people's hard work and devotion.

Q: I'm serious, now! What is "God?"
A:  God is someone theists attribute all the bad things that happen,
like hurricanes that kill hundreds and leave thousands homeless ("It
was  God's  Will"), earthquake disasters, plane crashes, New  Jersey
never  winning the Pennant, floods, death by lightening strike,  and

Q: What is an "Echovangelist?"
A:  A  pain  in  the  ass. Er, actually an "Echo"  is  much  like  a
talk.newsgroup,  but more on the CB radio level than  Amateur  Radio
level. An echovangelist is someone who has been commissioned by  God
and  /  or  Satan (same thing) to save Godless sinners from  eternal
damnation,  no  matter the cost and no matter how silly  she  or  he
appears  to  sane  members  of society.  Echovangelists  are  almost
invariably male; the reason for this is (1) women usually have  more
sense and (2) Fundamentalist Christian Women (tm) are kept barefoot,
pregnant,  and away from the modem least they learn how  their  male
masters are oppressing them (they are allowed to read GARDENING  and

Q: How does one deal with Echovangelists?"
A: Ignore them. You see, these sorry, pathetic souls NEED, and WANT,
and  DESIRE to be ridiculed and abused. They lust after the  feeling
of  being  persecuted, because they think it's for  "defending  God"
when in fact it is for being an anal-retentive asshole. If they  are
not  feeling persecuted, they feel they are not doing their job well
enough to keep out of hell. Example: Steve Winters.

Q: What is "Penis Envy?"
A: This is what Randal Terry's wife, who has never seen one, suffers
from.  For  most people, however, this is a male affliction,  not  a
female   one.   According  to  Satan,  in  His  book   "Satan:   His
Psychotherapy and Cure (by the Unfortunate Doctor Kasser, J.S.P.S.)"
the  first  words  out of Eve's mouth was "Where do  I  get  one  of
those?" (But then, Satan is a Freudian.)

Q: What is the "Fundi-Of-The-Month" club?
A:  Fundamentalists are SO MUCH FUN that Steve Quarrella has created
this club so that members may receive a new, different, and exciting
Fundi  at the start of each month, for their amusement. Members  may
return  their membership cards at any time, and they will be removed
from  the  mailing  list.  Do -YOU- like to  be  pestered?  Hounded?
Annoyed?   Harassed?   Tormented  with  hateful,   angry,   fearful,
superstitious fools? Do you enjoy beings damned for all  time  every
morning  while  you  brush your teeth? Do you like  being  called  a
sodomite,  harlot, Satanist, Democrat? Then this club is for  you---
JOIN  TODAY!  (P.S. We're kidding, folks. Stop sending us  money  to
join, Bile-it!)

Q: Well then, what is a "Fundi / Fundy/ Fundies?"
A:  Someone who hates for God, and calls it "love." These  can  come
from  any  cult: Born Against Christians, Krishna Devotees, Mormons,
Cult  Awareness  Network, Pat Robertson's,  Jerry  Falwell's,  Jimmy
Stewart's.  While there are a great many of these, they are  usually
the fringe minority from any given cult.

Q: What is a "Republican?"
A:  Someone  who  spends  12 years annihilating  American  freedoms,
destroying  the  Supreme Court, making being  black  illegal,  raids
Social  Security  of  500 million dollars when  they  promised  they
wouldn't, had the second largest tax increase of all time --  a  net
increase  of  $125  billion over five years. [Wall  Street  Journal,
8/12/92], then blames the damage on his successor.

Q: What is a "Democrat?"
A: A commie pinko socialist traitor bleeding-heart liberal anarchist
who Republicans can use as convenient scapegoats.

Q: What is a "cult?"
A:  A  cult is any organized religion, of two or more members,  that
profess a common dogma, or venerate an authoritarian or totalitarian
figure.  Therefore  "cult"  applies  to  every  religion  (with  the
possible  exception of solitary neo-Pagans who  make  up  their  own
religion and feel no need to share it with others). The word  "cult"
is  usually reserved for religions that lack political power. It  is
most often used to mean "Any religion other than mine."

Q: What is the "OFTEN_BABBLE" echo?
A: The echo is actually called OPEN_BIBLE.

Q: Tell me about the "HOLY_BIBLE" echo.
A:  This  echo is run by the emotionally ill Steve Winters, who  has
professed  it  to  be  THE ONLY =REAL= Christian  echo  on  FidoNet,
disregarding  the dozen or so other Christian echoes,  which  aren't
really,  but  just clever simulations by Satan into  fooling  people
into believing that the echoes are Christian-based. No, really! Just
ask Steve!

Q: What is the "HERESY_WATCH" echo?
A: The true name for Harvey Smith's CULT_WATCH echo (which doesn't).
This   is  your  basic  Christian  hate  cult  promoting  ignorance,
hysteria,  and  propaganda for God. This  echo  is  sponsored  by  a
messianic Jewish cult.

Q: What about the "CULT_INFO" echo?
A: This is a very fine echo, that constructively addresses religious
differences,  and  seeks to find a common dialog among  the  various
religions  that  are  represented in the echo's  readership.  It  is
moderated by the Priestess Rowan Moonstone.

Q: And the echo "BURNING_TIMES?"
A: This is an echo that addresses violence in the name of religion /
God. There are often newspaper articles posted here, keeping readers
up  to  date  on  the  "Satanic Crime" myth, and  discusses  attacks
against such groups as Pagans, Wiccans, Christians, Homosexuals, and
Jews by religionists and bigots.

Q: What is the A_THEIST echo?
A:  A  place to discuss the importance of state / church separation.
We don't do god(s) here!

Q: What does "fundagelical" mean?
A: Contraction between "Fundamentalist" and "Evangelical." It refers
to  someone  who  evangelizes from a very narrow, usually  ignorant,
point of view theologically.

Q: What is a "religiocrit?"
A: Someone who has a special commission from upon high, or a special
mandate  from their cult, to be a religious hypocrite. Examples  are
Duane  Gish  and  Henry Morris as well as just  about  100%  of  all

Q: And "Contradictianity?"
A:  This  is a Christian belief that claims obvious, glaring,  naked
biblical contradictions aren't.

Q: What is an "echocism?"
A: Now and then we get someone on the HOLYSMOKE echo who performs an
exorcism  to  banish  all of the demons that reside  in  all  of  us
godless contributors who post in said echo. This is a lot of fun. So
far  the  demons have stayed put, and usually it's the fundies  that
evaporate with a *poof* never too be heard from again--- guess their
spirit was willing but their flesh was weak.

Q: What is the "GET_RON" echo?
A: A special, under-ground, Satan-spawned international echo devoted
to  "getting"  a single individual, Ron Stringfellow. Since  God  is
protecting  this  person, we need millions of us evil  doers  (or  a
dozen  Democrats,  same  thing) to "get" him.  Mostly  we  just  get
together and laugh at him behind his back.

Q: What is "Fundy Disk Failure?"
A:  We often get Christians on the echo who claim they will shortly,
in a few days, provide proof of their god's existence, or proof of a
global  flood, or proof that Earth is flat, or proof that  evolution
didn't and isn't occurring--- just to vanish at the appointed  time,
later  showing  up claiming a "hard disk crash" ate their  proof  (I
hate it when that happens!). The first time someone made this claim,
he blamed it on Satan. The next person this happened to blamed it on
his god, Jesus--- so they got us coming and going, eh? Of course -I-
believe them unconditionally. . . would a Christian lie?

Q: What is "The Rupture?"
A: Every few months someone claims that their "Rapture" is imminent,
and  we  must all "get right" with his gods. This causes  people  to
laugh so hard they rupture a lower intestine. There have been claims
of  "imminent  rapture"  for hundreds of  years,  the  latest  being
October 23, 1992. The next is scheduled for September 1994. There is
even a Fundamentalist Christian text file telling us what to do when
we find we've been left behind. Honest! Would I lie to you?

Q: Why is evolution constantly a topic in HOLYSMOKE?
A:  Goat  Bile-ed  if I know! This is probably because  Creationists
refuse to go to the proper echo, called EVOLUTION, because there are
several  more  well-informed scientists there than in HOLYSMOKE.  As
yet,  no  Creationist has failed to be properly corrected  of  their
errors  in HOLYSMOKE. There are several highly knowledgeable  people
in  HOLYSMOKE who can and do refute Creationists claims. Now if  the
Creationists would just shut up long enough to listen . . . .

Q: Are there any Satanists here?
A: None that I know of. The best estimate of the number of Satanists
in America is from 4,000 to 5,000 individuals ("Satan Wants You," by
Arthur Lyons), so the odds of one showing up is rather slim. Many of
us wish one or more would! If you are a Satanist, please stop by and
say "Hello---" we want to crucify you! (You know you want to!)

Q:  Why don't you pick on Satanists like you pick on Christians  and
A: For a couple of reasons. First off, we only "pick on" someone who
makes  irrational and absurd claims while expecting  us  to  believe
them---  we've yet to have a Satanist come along and do so.  Second,
and  more  importantly,  it is Christians  who  are  subverting  our
secular  nation  through political means, not  Satanists  (how  many
Satanists sue the State so they may lead students in prayer?).

Q: Why do you hate God / Jesus?
A:  Have you stopped beating your spouse? Do not make the mistake of
believing that attacks on stupidity is equal to an attack on  a  god
just because the person making the silly claim asserts he's speaking
for  his god. In the three years I've read HOLYSMOKE I have  yet  to
see a single person hate God or Jesus--- just those who claim to  be
these  gods followers. Many Christians commit crimes in the name  of
their gods--- we don't blame their gods: we blame the criminals.

Q: Are "flames" allowed?
A:  Flames  are  EXPECTED.  You will be  treated  with  respect  and
courtesy  if  you  extend  it. The most valuable  contributors,  who
provide  references to what they say, are very seldom  flamed---  if
you  don't  like  flames, stick to posting  what  you  know  or  can
validate. Saying "Because I say so" or "Because I was told so" won't
earn you much respect. It WILL get you well-toasted.

Q: Will "Argument by authority" get me flamed?
A:  Depends on the authority, and if you keep all quotes in  context
and  content.  Claiming  that  several bright  people  support  your
assertions therefore your assertions are true DOES NOT make  it  so.
Don't  quote an astronomer on issues of biology, and a biologist  on
cosmology---  which is standard Creationist tactics---  because  you
will  get  roasted.  Saying "Einstein believed in  God  (he  didn't)
therefore you should" will also get you roasted--- bright people CAN
and  DO  believe silly things; just because someone is well educated
in one field does not make hir an expert in other fields.

Q: What is a "Bitch?"
A:  A  woman  who won't sleep with you. Can you blame her?!  If  you
sexually harass ANYONE on the echo, woman or man, expect retribution
with  extreme  prejudice.  There is a  line  between  "kidding"  and
"harassing." Please don't cross it!

Q: Does spelling well count?
A:  Of course. Content and validity, though, counts a thousand times
more.  If  your  thoughts, ideas and opinions  are  clear  and  well
thought out, no one should give a Goat Dropping how you spell. It is
your  ideas  we  want to hear about and debate,  not  your  spelling
ability. Please don't let poor spelling keep you from contributing.

Q: When -does- poor spelling get "flamed?"
A:  Often  we  see theists who mix up "Their, there,  and  they're,"
"Too, to, and two," "atheist" as "athiest," and "your" for "you're."
They  then in that very same message proclaim to reveal the  secrets
of God, the Universe, Life and all the Really Great Questions humans
have  pondered  for  a dozen millennia-- somehow  a  crappy  speller
telling us they know what no one else does just doesn't seem likely.
If  one  does not know the difference between "Their" and  "they're"
worth  a  Goat  Belch, isn't it rather PRETENTIOUS  for  one  to  be
telling us all about how much one knows about god and the universe?!

Welcome to the lovely world of HolySmoke! Watch out! The
sugar-coating you now wear will probably wear off before
long. It doesn't take very long, here. We're the Comet
Cleanser of religion. --- Questor Thews