The FidoNet HOLYSMOKE
Frequently Made-up Questions sheet
By David Rice, Last Revised 21 August, 1993
Q: What is "HOLYSMOKE?"
A: HolySmoke, the "McLaughlin Group" of FidoNet echoes, is an arena
wherein people with deeply-held religious convictions may come and
set the ignorant Godless heathens straight, or not, as the case may
be. This is the echo where echovangelists are banished when they are
off-topic in other FidoNet echoes, such as A_THEIST and COOKING.
(See "Echovangelist" entry below). It is the "electroshock therapy
for religion addicts" cure that so many FidoNet members are so
richly and clearly in need of. The moderator is Styx Allum of
1:152/20. If you don't like his name, insult his parents. It's REAL!
Q: Why is the phrases "You seem bitter" and "My, you're so full of
anger" so often used by religionists in HolySmoke?
A: These phrases are often used as replies to excessively abrasive
arguments by an agnostic or atheist that has demonstrated the
religionist's pet assertions false; the religionist resorts to
eliciting an emotional response instead of addressing the topic at
Q: "You seem bitter / full of anger! Why?"
A: Let John Musselwhite answer that, because he did it so well:
"You may be missing the point. The people who are
ridiculed (as it were) are not those who profess a
simple belief in a creator; they are those who insist
their beliefs are correct and we MUST ALL bow down
before GOD before we all roast in Hell. Then there are
those who make ridiculous claims about the veracity of
their "Book" and attempt to use pseudo-science to
"prove" they are right. As for myself, I could care less
who a person worships, although I usually strongly
disagree with their intent. As a secular student of
biblical times, I have learned a lot about what
Christianity was really all about (IMHO) and what life
was like in first-century Judah. Personally, I feel
those who take the Bible literally and those who follow
Pauline thought should study more, and attempt to
understand what was REALLY going on! By far the biggest
problem though, are those who insist I should pay to
support their religion. Our city supports a separate
school system for Catholics, and the duplication of
services and buildings costs every one of us. There are
many examples of religion being pushed on those who do
not wish it. We who do NOT wish to have anything to do
with religion must suffer through innumerable
disturbances from people who insist their religion
should be in the forefront. THOSE are the people who are
the targets of ridicule in this echo!"
Q: What is "hag-in-law?"
A: It is the phrase "Mother-in-law," which has been HolySmokeized. I
thought this was obvious.
Q: "Why is everyone picking on me?"
A: Chances are, you deserve it. When someone asserts wild and
baseless claims, and then insists that others believe these claims,
one may expect a little heat. Some assertions that generate heat:
"My book was written by god because it says so, and god wouldn't
lie." "God hates such-and-such." "God loves such-and-such." "I'll
pray for you, you stupid ignorant gibbering idiot pitiful atheists."
Most of the theists in HOLYSMOKE are not picked on or abused,
because they do not bring it upon themselves. Most atheists and
agnostics, Pagans and Wiccans and other disreputable folks in
HOLYSMOKE get their toast fried now and then, too, so don't feel
you're alone in your "persecution."
Q: "But this is serious stuff! Don't you realize you're in danger of
A: One person's religion is another person's belly-laugh (Heinlien).
Not everyone will share your delusions / spirituality. What you may
say in all seriousness could very well make lots of folks bust a
lower intestine with mirth.
Q: What is "Hir?"
A: Politically correct gender-neutral noun, "Her + Him = Hir."
Q: What is "Crucifixation?"
A: A state of mental duress, usually inside a fundamentalist
Christian brain, that admires blood, guts, suffering, agony,
drinking blood of God and eating His body, and usually wishes to be
crucified and martyred hirself. This fixation prevents those
afflicted with it to question why Jews would crucify a heretic in
the Roman fashion, when death by stoning was the preferred method of
disposing of sons of Gods.
Q: What does "Athiest" mean?
A: Bile-ed if I know! Christian Comics use this word to represent
people without morals; heathens without ethics; lawyers; baby-
eaters; perverts; sodomites; people who voted Democrat. This word is
universally used by theists, to demonstrate the abysmal lack of
education and spelling ability of North America (from whence most
Q: What is the "Flood Of Ignorance?"
A: The Creationist's claims of a global flood, survived by Noah and
his clan, whereby millions of humans died horribly; whereby billions
of animals died in screaming terror by drowning--- your typical
Christian Death Cult story, which they get off on so much.
Q: And what's this "IHS!" thing?
A: This can mean a great many things! It was originally coined by a
HolySmoke Regular to mean "In His Service!" though it is not clear
just who "His" may be. Usual variations may mean "I'm Happy Stupid!"
SHIt backwards, "I'm Helping Satan!" "In Hitler's Service!" "I Hate
Science!" "Idiot Has Spoken!" "I heat sausage!" "I Hate Spam!" and
others far too numerous to mention. The most common usage in
HOLYSMOKE means "BULLtIHS!" The original meaning is "In Hoc Signum
Vincit," referring to the Christian crucifix as "By this sign we
Q: What is "One Nation Under God?"
Q: What is a "Creationist?"
A: What apes evolved from.
Q: What is a "Not Real True Christian?"
A: When murder, mayhem, rape, and atrocities are performed by
Christians in the name of God, their partners in religion say they
were not Real True Christians. Some famous Not Real True Christians
include Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Jones, Hitler, Jerry
Falwell, All Catholics, Jeffrey Dahlmer, Mike Warnke, John "Todd"
Collins, Mormons, God Jehovah, and the IRA/Provos.
Q: What is a "Real True Christian?"
A: A Christian, individually or grouped in a herd, that has not yet
been exposed as child molesters, pornographers, whore-mongers,
serial killers, or income tax cheaters. (See "Not Real True
Christian.") Some famous Real True Christians are Gandi, who wasn't,
Buddha, who isn't, and Jesus, who never existed.
Q: What is "Christian Double Standard Time"
A: This is the standard that some Christians use to judge who is and
is not Christian. If a Christian commits a crime for Jesus, the
perpetrator may or may not be a criminal or Christian, depending on
the crime. See "Not Real Christian."
Q: What is a "Christian Comic?"
A: In a great many FidoNet echoes (well, -ALL- of them), there are
days when a Christian Fundamentalist waltzes in, says something
hilarious, then waltzes out without regard for topical relatedness,
quality, protocol, or desire for rational dialogue. Humorous stuff
like "You're forever damned for all time," or "The first law of
thermodynamics says evolution is false (they don't know how to count
to two)," or "They aren't Real True Christians."
Q: What does "IS NOT!" mean?
A: This is the Theory of Creation Science.
Q: What is the "Theory of Creation Science?"
A: "IS NOT!" Creationists refuse to provide a theory of Creationism,
because they do not have one. Therefore it is damn hard to teach it
in public school, yet they still demand that it should (go figure).
Creationists assume that if they can find holes in evolutionary
theory, their religious beliefs become true via default. Therefore
their efforts are never to find evidence to falsify their non-
existent theory, but to "prove" evolutionary theory unsound--- this
effort they call "Creation Science," which it isn't.
Q: What is the "$15.00 God Challenge?"
A: David Rice will give US$15.00 to anyone who can prove He isn't
God. Previous attempts have failed miserably, as contestants assume
that He must perform some miracle for them, which would be Him
proving He is God, and not them proving He is not. This challenge is
a thought experiment for theists to consider when they assert proof
of their tiny little gods and disproof of Others like the One True
God, David Rice. If they can prove their god(s) are real, surely
they can prove Omnipotent Rice isn't?
Q: What is the "Mutant Star Goat?"
A: The One True God, Who created life, the universe, and everything.
Now prove me wrong! This is another thought experiment for theists.
Everything they claim for their God(s) can be said for Star Goat
with equal validity. Star Goat (braise His name) sent His only
begotten Son, Billy, to Earth to die on the Holy Bar-Be-Que Pit for
us. Those who continue to deny this truth will be eaten on Judgment
Day by Star Goat, to stew in the Holy Bile for all eternity. If a
theist believes she or he can punch a hole in Star Goat theology,
they should come to realize eventually that every hole they create
APPLIES EQUALLY to their God(s). No one can prove Star Goat is not
the One True God, and Goatees know in their hearts that He is,
therefore He is! QED.
Q: What is a "Goatee?"
A: A devotee of Star Goat.
Q: What is "Bile-ed" and "Bile-it?"
A: When evil sinners, or anyone else who did not worship Star Goat
in life, find themselves dead, their souls will be swallowed by
Billy, Star Goat's only beGoatten Son, to stew in the Holy Bile for
all eternity. This is roughly equivalent to "damned" but unlike the
falsehood of Hell, the Holy Bile EXISTS! Goat save you if you don't
hurry and accept Billy as your Personal Savior! Send money! We are
the advocates of the Goat Life! Honest. (No refunds.)
Q: "Pink, invisible, flying hippo?" Excuse me?
A: Yes. Her name is Daisy, and she leaves invisible, smell-free
turds on the keyboards of every fundy that posts in HOLYSMOKE. Now
prove she doesn't! When someone brings up the non-measurability of
their favorite god (Jesus, Satan, Yahweh, Jehovah, Zeus, Odin),
others bring up Daisy and point out that the evidence she exists is
identical to the evidence their god(s) exist.
Q: What is the fastest land animal?
A: The cheetah.
Q: What is an "Atheist?"
A: One who is "without a theism." There are two basic forms of
atheism: the strong and the weak. The strong form says "God does not
exist." The weak form says "I do not believe in the existence of
God." Generally, an atheist is a "non-theist." If ever evidence is
produced to demonstrate that any particular god exists, I for one
will stop being atheist. Got proof? Let's see it!
Q: What is an "Agnostic?"
A: One who doesn't know, or give a shit, if God exist or not.
Q: What is a "Diagnostic?"
A: One who doesn't know, or give a shit, if -TWO- Gods exist or not.
Q: What is "God?"
A: David Rice.
Q: No really: what is "God?"
A: God is someone theists attribute all the good things that happen,
like "I thank God for letting me win this football game," or "Thank
God they didn't catch me molesting these alter boys," or "Thank God
for my job / spouse / slaves." This Guy gets all the credit for
other people's hard work and devotion.
Q: I'm serious, now! What is "God?"
A: God is someone theists attribute all the bad things that happen,
like hurricanes that kill hundreds and leave thousands homeless ("It
was God's Will"), earthquake disasters, plane crashes, New Jersey
never winning the Pennant, floods, death by lightening strike, and
Q: What is an "Echovangelist?"
A: A pain in the ass. Er, actually an "Echo" is much like a
talk.newsgroup, but more on the CB radio level than Amateur Radio
level. An echovangelist is someone who has been commissioned by God
and / or Satan (same thing) to save Godless sinners from eternal
damnation, no matter the cost and no matter how silly she or he
appears to sane members of society. Echovangelists are almost
invariably male; the reason for this is (1) women usually have more
sense and (2) Fundamentalist Christian Women (tm) are kept barefoot,
pregnant, and away from the modem least they learn how their male
masters are oppressing them (they are allowed to read GARDENING and
COOKING echoes, but not FEMINISM or LEATHER_AND_LACE).
Q: How does one deal with Echovangelists?"
A: Ignore them. You see, these sorry, pathetic souls NEED, and WANT,
and DESIRE to be ridiculed and abused. They lust after the feeling
of being persecuted, because they think it's for "defending God"
when in fact it is for being an anal-retentive asshole. If they are
not feeling persecuted, they feel they are not doing their job well
enough to keep out of hell. Example: Steve Winters.
Q: What is "Penis Envy?"
A: This is what Randal Terry's wife, who has never seen one, suffers
from. For most people, however, this is a male affliction, not a
female one. According to Satan, in His book "Satan: His
Psychotherapy and Cure (by the Unfortunate Doctor Kasser, J.S.P.S.)"
the first words out of Eve's mouth was "Where do I get one of
those?" (But then, Satan is a Freudian.)
Q: What is the "Fundi-Of-The-Month" club?
A: Fundamentalists are SO MUCH FUN that Steve Quarrella has created
this club so that members may receive a new, different, and exciting
Fundi at the start of each month, for their amusement. Members may
return their membership cards at any time, and they will be removed
from the mailing list. Do -YOU- like to be pestered? Hounded?
Annoyed? Harassed? Tormented with hateful, angry, fearful,
superstitious fools? Do you enjoy beings damned for all time every
morning while you brush your teeth? Do you like being called a
sodomite, harlot, Satanist, Democrat? Then this club is for you---
JOIN TODAY! (P.S. We're kidding, folks. Stop sending us money to
Q: Well then, what is a "Fundi / Fundy/ Fundies?"
A: Someone who hates for God, and calls it "love." These can come
from any cult: Born Against Christians, Krishna Devotees, Mormons,
Cult Awareness Network, Pat Robertson's, Jerry Falwell's, Jimmy
Stewart's. While there are a great many of these, they are usually
the fringe minority from any given cult.
Q: What is a "Republican?"
A: Someone who spends 12 years annihilating American freedoms,
destroying the Supreme Court, making being black illegal, raids
Social Security of 500 million dollars when they promised they
wouldn't, had the second largest tax increase of all time -- a net
increase of $125 billion over five years. [Wall Street Journal,
8/12/92], then blames the damage on his successor.
Q: What is a "Democrat?"
A: A commie pinko socialist traitor bleeding-heart liberal anarchist
who Republicans can use as convenient scapegoats.
Q: What is a "cult?"
A: A cult is any organized religion, of two or more members, that
profess a common dogma, or venerate an authoritarian or totalitarian
figure. Therefore "cult" applies to every religion (with the
possible exception of solitary neo-Pagans who make up their own
religion and feel no need to share it with others). The word "cult"
is usually reserved for religions that lack political power. It is
most often used to mean "Any religion other than mine."
Q: What is the "OFTEN_BABBLE" echo?
A: The echo is actually called OPEN_BIBLE.
Q: Tell me about the "HOLY_BIBLE" echo.
A: This echo is run by the emotionally ill Steve Winters, who has
professed it to be THE ONLY =REAL= Christian echo on FidoNet,
disregarding the dozen or so other Christian echoes, which aren't
really, but just clever simulations by Satan into fooling people
into believing that the echoes are Christian-based. No, really! Just
Q: What is the "HERESY_WATCH" echo?
A: The true name for Harvey Smith's CULT_WATCH echo (which doesn't).
This is your basic Christian hate cult promoting ignorance,
hysteria, and propaganda for God. This echo is sponsored by a
messianic Jewish cult.
Q: What about the "CULT_INFO" echo?
A: This is a very fine echo, that constructively addresses religious
differences, and seeks to find a common dialog among the various
religions that are represented in the echo's readership. It is
moderated by the Priestess Rowan Moonstone.
Q: And the echo "BURNING_TIMES?"
A: This is an echo that addresses violence in the name of religion /
God. There are often newspaper articles posted here, keeping readers
up to date on the "Satanic Crime" myth, and discusses attacks
against such groups as Pagans, Wiccans, Christians, Homosexuals, and
Jews by religionists and bigots.
Q: What is the A_THEIST echo?
A: A place to discuss the importance of state / church separation.
We don't do god(s) here!
Q: What does "fundagelical" mean?
A: Contraction between "Fundamentalist" and "Evangelical." It refers
to someone who evangelizes from a very narrow, usually ignorant,
point of view theologically.
Q: What is a "religiocrit?"
A: Someone who has a special commission from upon high, or a special
mandate from their cult, to be a religious hypocrite. Examples are
Duane Gish and Henry Morris as well as just about 100% of all
Q: And "Contradictianity?"
A: This is a Christian belief that claims obvious, glaring, naked
biblical contradictions aren't.
Q: What is an "echocism?"
A: Now and then we get someone on the HOLYSMOKE echo who performs an
exorcism to banish all of the demons that reside in all of us
godless contributors who post in said echo. This is a lot of fun. So
far the demons have stayed put, and usually it's the fundies that
evaporate with a *poof* never too be heard from again--- guess their
spirit was willing but their flesh was weak.
Q: What is the "GET_RON" echo?
A: A special, under-ground, Satan-spawned international echo devoted
to "getting" a single individual, Ron Stringfellow. Since God is
protecting this person, we need millions of us evil doers (or a
dozen Democrats, same thing) to "get" him. Mostly we just get
together and laugh at him behind his back.
Q: What is "Fundy Disk Failure?"
A: We often get Christians on the echo who claim they will shortly,
in a few days, provide proof of their god's existence, or proof of a
global flood, or proof that Earth is flat, or proof that evolution
didn't and isn't occurring--- just to vanish at the appointed time,
later showing up claiming a "hard disk crash" ate their proof (I
hate it when that happens!). The first time someone made this claim,
he blamed it on Satan. The next person this happened to blamed it on
his god, Jesus--- so they got us coming and going, eh? Of course -I-
believe them unconditionally. . . would a Christian lie?
Q: What is "The Rupture?"
A: Every few months someone claims that their "Rapture" is imminent,
and we must all "get right" with his gods. This causes people to
laugh so hard they rupture a lower intestine. There have been claims
of "imminent rapture" for hundreds of years, the latest being
October 23, 1992. The next is scheduled for September 1994. There is
even a Fundamentalist Christian text file telling us what to do when
we find we've been left behind. Honest! Would I lie to you?
Q: Why is evolution constantly a topic in HOLYSMOKE?
A: Goat Bile-ed if I know! This is probably because Creationists
refuse to go to the proper echo, called EVOLUTION, because there are
several more well-informed scientists there than in HOLYSMOKE. As
yet, no Creationist has failed to be properly corrected of their
errors in HOLYSMOKE. There are several highly knowledgeable people
in HOLYSMOKE who can and do refute Creationists claims. Now if the
Creationists would just shut up long enough to listen . . . .
Q: Are there any Satanists here?
A: None that I know of. The best estimate of the number of Satanists
in America is from 4,000 to 5,000 individuals ("Satan Wants You," by
Arthur Lyons), so the odds of one showing up is rather slim. Many of
us wish one or more would! If you are a Satanist, please stop by and
say "Hello---" we want to crucify you! (You know you want to!)
Q: Why don't you pick on Satanists like you pick on Christians and
A: For a couple of reasons. First off, we only "pick on" someone who
makes irrational and absurd claims while expecting us to believe
them--- we've yet to have a Satanist come along and do so. Second,
and more importantly, it is Christians who are subverting our
secular nation through political means, not Satanists (how many
Satanists sue the State so they may lead students in prayer?).
Q: Why do you hate God / Jesus?
A: Have you stopped beating your spouse? Do not make the mistake of
believing that attacks on stupidity is equal to an attack on a god
just because the person making the silly claim asserts he's speaking
for his god. In the three years I've read HOLYSMOKE I have yet to
see a single person hate God or Jesus--- just those who claim to be
these gods followers. Many Christians commit crimes in the name of
their gods--- we don't blame their gods: we blame the criminals.
Q: Are "flames" allowed?
A: Flames are EXPECTED. You will be treated with respect and
courtesy if you extend it. The most valuable contributors, who
provide references to what they say, are very seldom flamed--- if
you don't like flames, stick to posting what you know or can
validate. Saying "Because I say so" or "Because I was told so" won't
earn you much respect. It WILL get you well-toasted.
Q: Will "Argument by authority" get me flamed?
A: Depends on the authority, and if you keep all quotes in context
and content. Claiming that several bright people support your
assertions therefore your assertions are true DOES NOT make it so.
Don't quote an astronomer on issues of biology, and a biologist on
cosmology--- which is standard Creationist tactics--- because you
will get roasted. Saying "Einstein believed in God (he didn't)
therefore you should" will also get you roasted--- bright people CAN
and DO believe silly things; just because someone is well educated
in one field does not make hir an expert in other fields.
Q: What is a "Bitch?"
A: A woman who won't sleep with you. Can you blame her?! If you
sexually harass ANYONE on the echo, woman or man, expect retribution
with extreme prejudice. There is a line between "kidding" and
"harassing." Please don't cross it!
Q: Does spelling well count?
A: Of course. Content and validity, though, counts a thousand times
more. If your thoughts, ideas and opinions are clear and well
thought out, no one should give a Goat Dropping how you spell. It is
your ideas we want to hear about and debate, not your spelling
ability. Please don't let poor spelling keep you from contributing.
Q: When -does- poor spelling get "flamed?"
A: Often we see theists who mix up "Their, there, and they're,"
"Too, to, and two," "atheist" as "athiest," and "your" for "you're."
They then in that very same message proclaim to reveal the secrets
of God, the Universe, Life and all the Really Great Questions humans
have pondered for a dozen millennia-- somehow a crappy speller
telling us they know what no one else does just doesn't seem likely.
If one does not know the difference between "Their" and "they're"
worth a Goat Belch, isn't it rather PRETENTIOUS for one to be
telling us all about how much one knows about god and the universe?!
Welcome to the lovely world of HolySmoke! Watch out! The
sugar-coating you now wear will probably wear off before
long. It doesn't take very long, here. We're the Comet
Cleanser of religion. --- Questor Thews