A Letter to a Fundamentalist Minister Regarding Mixed Fabrics

From: John Hewett

After puking a few times from all the fundamentalism and bigotry I've seen here lately, I thought I'd post this little gem to bring a note of levity into the air. Hope you enjoy it!

From: Marc Lawrence to Anyone

Dear Reverend:

I am writing to thank you and congratulate you for your diligent work against Gay Rights. People who, like gay men, break laws casually mentioned somewhere in The Bible should not be given civil rights protections. More Christians should be as dedicated as you to fighting basic civil rights and human dignity. Good work, Reverend. However, I am concerned that many people break other laws mentioned in The Bible and yet do not suffer just discrimination for their mere existence. I am specifically concerned about people who break the law outlined in Leviticus Chapter 19, Verse 19: "Neither shall a garment mingled of different fabrics come upon thee." Yet you can see people out on the streets every day shamelessly wearing flannel shirts with wool sweaters, acrylic blended with cotton, and all manner of other sinful combinations one could imagine in a nightmare. This sort of disrespect for the Laws of God is leading to the moral decay of our society. And what's even worse: they flaunt their perverse mixed fabrics in front of children. (I've even heard that some of them like to dress children in mixed fabrics, but this sin is just too perverse for further elaboration ... and of course, ALL people who wear mixed fabrics have a secret or overt desire to dress children the same way.)

If a mixed-fabric wearer wanted to become a foster parent, the Commonwealth would allow it. There are no questions on the application referring to this sin. No one asks if the child will be exposed to mixed fabrics or might even be forced to wear them. We should spend some tax dollars to study the effects of mixed fabrics on children, though I am sure it has a negative impact. Furthermore are people who eat bacon for breakfast, which is outlawed in Leviticus 11:17, and Deuteronomy 14:8; rare steak for supper, which is outlawed in Leviticus 17:10-14, and cheeseburgers for lunch, which is outlawed in Exodus 23:19, Exodus 34:26, and Deuteronomy 14:21 (this must mean that cheeseburgers are three times as sinful as gay sex since the former is mentioned thrice). Now there are so-called Christians who want to liberally "interpret" the Word of God or leave out certain parts of it.

They say that Jesus came to fulfill the law (Matthew 5:18) and that His message of love is far more important (Matthew 19:19, Mark 12:30, Luke 10:27, and I Corinthians 13:13) than mixed fabrics or cheeseburgers. I point out that there is a curse on anyone who completely leaves out any part of it (Revelations 22:18). Besides, it's all right to call yourself Christian, just don't try to be TOO MUCH like Jesus. After all, look where it got Him. For the sake of Christianity and the children, Reverend, I want you to join me in restoring some morality to government. Together we can take away the civil rights of homosexuals, mixed-fabric wearers, and unclean meat- eaters. Next we can persecute barbers (haircuts are outlawed in Leviticus 19:27) and veterinarians (outlawed in Leviticus 22:24). Then we can enforce all the Biblical laws and directives! I can't wait until we will be able to apply the death penalty for adultery as Leviticus 20:10 mandates. Because you have never committed adultery, Reverend, and lived without sin among us, you should be the one to cast the first stone (John 8:7).

Sister Polly Ester
Christian Coalition
Against Mixed Fabrics