From: Dave Bird <dave@xemu.demon.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 29 Oct 1999 00:39:30 +0100
Message-ID: <7ai8DBCy6NG4Ew$3@xemu.demon.co.uk>
I wrote a Lisa MacPherson song some time ago. 18. LISA MACPHERSON +---------------------------------------------------------------+ tune: the Sailor's Lament / Cowboy's Lament ("Streets of Laredo") (SLOW & SAD) 1. There was a young woman called Lisa Macpherson, Who loved to go dancing and talk through the night She lived for her family, her cats, and her dancing At thirty six years she was so full of life. CHORUS: So beat the drum slow-ly, and play the fife low-ly, Pack her in a flag taxi to take her last ride: Past four local hospitals, then miles down the freeway, Poor Lisa MacPherson was taken to die. 2. "Oh ready my room, mom, I've come home to Dallas, I'll be there for Thanksgiving, I'm leaving the cult;" But they never saw her alive from Clearwater By the first of December poor Lisa was dead. CHORUS. 3. The cult called her crazy, put her on Introspection, Locked up without speaking and tied to a bed, For seventeen days there, without food and water, Till she sank into coma and finally died. CHORUS. 4. When they found she was dying, they flew in a panic, Packed her in a black van--the word Flag on the side-- And drove her dead body ten miles down the freeway To find a cult doctor who'd make up some lies. CHORUS. 5. She'd been tied at the ankles with rope, said the coroner, She'd beat her hands bloody on dismal stone walls; As she lay there unconscious the cockroaches bit her: At death this tall woman weighed one-oh-eight pounds. CHORUS. 6. Yes Lisa gave Hubbard her love and devotion, Worked hard for the cult throughout most of her life, Yet the cult could not spare her but one cup of water: They spent and destroyed her without thinking twice. CHORUS. 7. "We want her cremated," said the cult at her funeral, As they hung round like vultures with ears flapping wide, Called the coroner a liar; shipped out ev'ry witness; Said police were conspiring to do their faith down. CHORUS. 8. Oh have you no shame in the mad church of bivalves? Is the cult of Ron Hubbard worth one woman's life?? And how many more must like Lisa Macpherson Pay, to fill up your cash-tills, the ultimate price. CHORUS. (SLOW & HUSHED:) 9 There was a young woman called Lisa Macpherson, Who loved to go dancing and talk through the night She lived for her family, her cats, and her dancing At thirty six years she was so full of life. (EVEN SLOWER:) So beat the drum slow-ly, and play the fife low-ly, Pack her in a flag taxi to take her last ride: Past four local hospitals, then miles down the freeway, Poor Lisa MacPherson was taken to die. (AND ON A SLIGHTLY LIGHTER NOTE....) 19. Cockroach Motel (tune--Heartbreak Hotel) +------------------------------------------+ Weeeeellll...Since ma B.T.s left me, I've found a new place to dwell It's down at the end of Ron Hubbard Street, the Cockroach Motel, and baby I'm Feelin' so thirsty, yes I'm Feelin' so thirsty, yes I'm Feelin' so thirsty...I could die Yes in Clear-Wa-ter central That's where the culties dwell At the place they call Fort Homicide, the Cockroach Motel, and baby I'm Feelin' so thirsty, yes I'm Feelin' so thirsty, yes I'm Feelin' so thirsty...I could die Now........Since the world heard about Lisa, The course attendance fell, So they R-P-Fed the D-of-P, and Half of Qual as well, and baby I'm Feelin' so thirsty, yes I'm Feelin' so thirsty, yes I'm Feelin' so thirsty...I could die The hotel has a basement With wire-mesh prisons cells Where the lost souls on the RPF Live out their private hell, and baby I'm Feelin' so thirsty, yes I'm Feelin' so thirsty, yes I'm Feelin' so thirsty...I could die Weeeeellll...Since ma B.T.s left me, I've found a new place to dwell It's down at the end of Ron Hubbard Street, the Cockroach Motel, and baby I'm Feelin' so thirsty, yes I'm Feelin' so thirsty, yes I'm Feelin' so thirsty...I could die....... 20. You AIN'T NUTHIN BUT A POO--DLE +---------------------------------+ (tune: Hound Dog) ....You...ain't.nuthin..but a POO-DLE, Yappin All night long You ain't nuthin but a poodle, Yappin all night long, Yes you got body thaytans and you ain't no friend of mine. They said you was high class, You're only four foot one, They said you was high class, You're only four foot one, Yes you got body thaytans and you ain't no freind of mine. They call you Lawn-Orn'ment, which means a garden gnome, They call you Lawn-Orn'ment, which means a garden gnome, Yes you got body thaytans and you ain't no friend of mine. They say you never audit, coz ev'ry read is ay rockslam, They say you never audit, coz ev'ry read is ay rockslam, Yes you got body thatyans and you ain't no friend of mine. You ain't nuthin but a POO-DLE, Yappin All night long You ain't nuthin but a poodle, Yappin all night long, Yes you got body thaytans and you ain't no friend of mine. 21. THE "TIDY BOWL MAN" SONG. (tune: Popeye the sailor man) +---------------------------------------------------------+ I'm Davie the Tidy Bowl man, I row round your toilet pan, I'm cute and minute, in my white sailor suit, I'm Davie the Tidy Bowl man! I'm Davie the Tidy Bowl man, the judges eat out of my hand, And if we're not winnin', his dog we'll take swimmin', I'm Davie the Tidy Bowl man --- POOP!POOP! 22. CULTBUSTERS (Tune: Ghostbusters) From MARINA -- by Annymous Discordian. +------------------------------------------------------------------+ The cult steal and burn, the books they don't like, who you gonna call? Cultbusters! InterNet each day, sabotaged by them, who you gonna call? Cultbusters! I ain't afraid of no cult! I ain't afraid of no cult! If they fair game you, run like a squirrel, then who do you call? Cultbusters! They won't let you talk, to your loved ones, who you gonna call? Cultbusters! Ain't afraid of no cult! Ain't afraid of no cult! If you're all alone, then pick up the phone, and call... Cultbusters! When bogus lawsuits, try to bankrupt you, who you gonna call? Cultbusters! Ain't afraid of no cult! this cult will try to "cure" gays. ain't afraid of no cult! yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! who you gonna call? Cultbusters! If you have seen Ingram, freakin' cult P.I., baby, you'd better call.. Police! Get him! Ingram plans accidents, for your family, who you gonna call? Cultbusters! Bustin' makes me feel good! I ain't afraid of no cult! I ain't afraid of no cult! When Ingram frames you, for bomb threats and such, who you gonna call? Police! Get him! If they lock you up, feed you rice'n'beans, then escape, and call... Cultbusters! Escapin' makes me feel good! I ain't afraid of no cult! I ain't afraid of no cult! Courts said they should *PAY*, they will flee the debt, who you gonna call? Cultbusters! When they raid your house, steal your computer, who you gonna call? Cultbusters! Critics makes me feel proud! I ain't afraid of no cult! I ain't afraid of no cult! When your confession, is used for blackmail, who you gonna call? Cultbusters! Medias chicken out, even CNN, who you gonna call? Cultbusters! I ain't afraid of no cult! I ain't afraid of no cult! They shout abortion, You want that kid born? you'd better call.. Cultbusters! You want your cash back, they won't pay a dime, picket them, or call.. Cultbusters! Who you gonna call? Cultbusters! Who you gonna call? Cultbusters! Who you gonna call? Cultbusters! Who you gonna call? Cultbusters! 23. Mission Earth Writer by <SCREWTAPE> (parody of "Paperback Writer," with heartfelt apologies to Lennon & McCartney) Dear Sir or Madam will you read my book It took a week to write it will you take a look It's based on a vision I had popping greys And I need attention so I want to be a Mission Earth writer Mission Earth writer It's a stupid story about a stupid man Who is sent to Earth with an evil plan It's really boring and it's really long But I need the money and I want to be a Mission Earth writer Mission Earth writer It's five thousand pages, give or take a few I wrote all ten volumes in a week or two I made it really long because it's just my style I'll never change it round because I'm Hubbard the Mission Earth writer Mission Earth writer It's a work of genius 'cause I'm always right I made a million dollars almost overnight If you really like it you can mail this card And the cult will send you crap that's written by the Mission Earth writer Mission Earth writer -----------Your affectionate uncle, Screwtape (to the tune of "O Little Town of Bethlehem") O little planet Teegeeack, how still we see thee lie! Above thy deep and dreamless sleep the DC-8s fly by. Inside all thy volcanoes, the H-bombs tumble in, And Xenu will soon detonate the Thetans of his kin. How silently, how silently the Thetans blow away! Then electronic beams snake out and drag them back again. And Xenu gives them implants of God and trains and things. So from that day the clams get scared when they hear SPs sing! O fat dead Ron of Teegeeack, when will you go away? We're sick and tired of stupid clams who lie to us each day. You only get us angry, then we start picketing, And soon the culties all come out and hear the SPs sing! Your affectionate uncle, Screwtape ________ (________) -- | | _.' '._ .' '. |_________________| | |when you've been building a thirst for 65million yrs | X_E_M_U's | | Alien Ale | Dave@XEMU.demon.co.uk | .:::. :: | | (o\ /o) .::. | Knight of Xemu. Official ARS hake-monger. | \ " / XEMU | SP5(:). Clambustin' since 1995. ><_'> "_> | '-' :::: | | :v: | www.xemu.demon.co.uk/clam/ | with a kick | | _like an HBomb_ |preserve your thetan in alochol and glycol with..... | | '._______________.'