Mine is different perspective. I was only on staff in Scientology for a short time, not long enough to feel the full effects of mind control but long enough to witness things that scared the hell out of me.

It all started during the summer of 1973. My older sister Lavenda called and asked me to come live with her in Las Vegas, when she picked me up at the airport she took me straight to Scientology in Las Vegas. I didn’t know she was in Scientology or what it was. They explained to me that they were trying to help the planet and being so young, 18, and idealistic this sounded like a good idea, so I signed on.

They put me in charge of the kids at the house and I started taking Scientology courses. I was curious about the TR’s (these are Training Routines famous for that staring look Scientologists have). When I asked why we had to sit there and not react while people screamed at us, cussing, etc.

I was told that it was for toughening up so we could handle the public if they harassed us in any way. I learned later it was the beginning of mind control tactics and one of the maneuvers that rob people of their emotions and teach insensitivity to the feelings of others I met a lot of people who were genuinely trying their best to do their part to help the planet.

One of the first things they did was introduce me to auditing. (Scientology auditing is a process where you sit and answer questions while on an e-meter, a device similar to a lie detector that tells the auditor how you are reacting to questions, and sends a constant small charge through your body).

I was told the process would help me eliminate any past traumatic experiences and lead to extraordinary abilities. The only thing they were interested in was any past mistakes or problems in my life. I found out later how it would be used against me.

I also noticed that many of the Scientologists’ them seemed desperate for a solid night sleep. When I commented about that I was told that people really don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep and I was introduced to another TR for keeping your body awake. I was given stacks of letters to write to people encouraging them to buy courses. This was the every night and I started dealing on 4 hours of sleep a night. I often cooked for about 40 people and it was usually a beans and rice kind of meal.

I remember a woman on staff, I think her name was Cathy, she worked directly under the Commanding Officer Bob Harvey. She was wandering around the org telling everyone , Well my mom decided to drop her body today. It was like she was reading a news headline, she showed no emotion. I thought , Oh my God, what is going to happen when she is faced with the reality of losing her mom? You would think she was talking about doing her laundry from the way she acted. I thought , Is this what the Scientology Training routines do people?

I was starting to have my doubts whether these people could help the world.

For a short time I dated a very nice man named Louie Pagliaro. He took some auditing classes there but he was not on staff. He had been in Scientology for a long time and was one of those OTs, Operating Thetans ( A Person who has achieved super mind powers according to the gossip around the org. )

I never saw any super human powers, just a great guy, but then Loretta, ( Bob Harvey’s wife) told me I couldn’t date him anymore because he was not on staff. He was not happy about that.

He told me once that he had spent $50, 000 on Scientology. I heard next that he was demanding a refund. He was living with another Scientologist who had reached the OT levels in Scientology named Pat, a Las Vegas showgirl. They had befriended a homeless man. Louie was found cut up in a plastic bag in his living room.

Anyway, back to 1973, while I was in the Las Vegas Org, I remember seeing two guys in black arm bands scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush. I was told not to speak to them. I heard they also had to endure hours of auditing and verbal torture. They were being penalized for wrongdoing, being in Scientology’s RPF, and again I thought Oh God what have I gotten myself into now? Also, there was a young man named, Scott on staff. He was from a wealthy family and his parents were coming to make him leave. He was transferred out.

I never saw him again.

The final straw was when I was watching the children and a five year old hit bob Harvey’s child. He lost it and backhanded the child, knocking him across the room. I freaked out and became hysterical. Loretta told me to calm down, telling me that I didn’t understand because I wasn’t O. T. and that I was providing content for the child’s engram by making a scene. ( An engram is what Hubbard called a period of pain or unconsciousness )

I told her I understood, he just hit a child across the room. She was very angry with me and I was afraid I might be sent to the RPF so I just shut up proceeded to plan my escape. I knew I couldn’t tell anyone I was planning to leave, especially my sister, and that I would have to proceed cautiously and trust no one.

Luckily , a friend had been taking classes and becoming disenchanted, he gave me his phone number and said that if I ever wanted out I could come stay with his mom.

The first thing I had to do was get out into the population, so I transferred into the public divisions and started going on the bus downtown to hand out personality tests.

We would talk tourists into coming back to the org to take the tests. Of course no one ever passed. If I couldn’t get them to buy a course, we’d get them a book. Most would buy a book just to be rid of us.

Amid the insanity, one day I met a man from the Sea Organization visiting us for a few days on mission. He was gorgeous in uniform. He walked with arrogant swagger a powerful form, and I had to have him. Enter and exit Arnie Lerma, but I couldn’t tell him my plans. Little did I know the impact he would have on my life 25 years later.

Finally, the day came, I was in a large crowd in downtown. I knew it was the time. I had saved change from my $7.00 a week paycheck and I had the phone number.

I ducked through the crowd and up through the Mint Hotel elevator. I felt my heart was in my throat. I knew they would be looking for me. I waited for some time and then I called the number, I had my freedom from Scientology.

She was only a few blocks away. The next week I was looking for a job on a really hot day so I went into the mall and ordered a drink. In walks my brother Buddy He said he had been looking for me for three days, he was just about to go back to Florida and didn’t know where else to look. He put me in touch with an old girlfriend of his and then he went back to Florida.

Later I started dating David Sandweiss. He had also left Scientology but he was one of those OTs having been in for years. We started living together and married. Later Chuck and Madeline Reese came over to our apartment. They were Scientologists from the Guardians Office, which is now called O. S. A, ( Office of Special affairs) of the Las Vegas Org. They offered money to ruin the reputation of a local psychiatrist. Chuck Reese told me that I could be driving a Cadillac like he did. I told them no, but David decided to join Scientology again, though all the reasons he did decide are still unclear.

Before I go on with the rest of the details of my marriage, I would like to take the time to apologize to David’s family, should this be published and seen by a family member. I don’t know how to say I am sorry for any pain this essay may cause you.

For many years I thought why bring all this up, when it could cause me great harm from the cult of Scientology and pain to David’s family, but now I see why it is necessary to connect all the dots.

Anyway, before my marriage to David ended, he called me at home one day and said that he had been out gambling all day and that he met a couple of guys.

One of them was very rich and he invited me to join them for dinner at the hotel.

I did and it was all very strange. One of the men was obviously upset but trying to keep it under control. He struck me as being a very sad person.

I later learned that the sad man was Quentin Hubbard, the son of L Ron Hubbard. I felt very uncomfortable with these people.

They gave us a hotel room, said hey would be back to join us later for the show. I was feeling a little drunk when we went to the room. I felt weird but couldn’t place the odd feelings I had. We discussed everything the next day, David confessed to me that he had had his first homosexual experience at the hotel before I got there.

We had a very frank conversation about it. I went into shock, for a man that I enjoyed heterosexual sex with so much, I couldn’t believe my ears. I asked him if he was gay. He said no, they had been drinking and that things got out of hand.

You have to understand that this was the mid-seventies, we associated with Hollywood type bisexual friends and it seemed like the "in thing".

David was very open minded sexually. David said he had no desire to pursue it and I believed him If he chose that lifestyle later doesn't really matter.

The question is how did the choice he made at the hotel that day alter the course of his life? That is a question I have fought with for years.

Soon after we moved LA briefly. David was very depressed, things weren't going well financially. He sold his 1967 Corvette for money. His pride and joy. David liked the better things in life.

Our marriage was disintegrating. We decided to move to Eugene, Oregon. I set up an apartment. David went back to Las Vegas to tie some things up there. We talked on the phone several times but he never returned to our apartment and we soon divorced as friends.

I returned to Florida and started singing in St. Pete. He wrote to me a few times and sent a book to me but then I lost contact for a while right after the new year holiday in 1977. I decided to go through Vegas on my way to Seattle. I decided to surprise David, I knew the apartment and figured he still lived there.

When I arrived at his home a man answered. He was very hostile. I figure it was because I wasn't in Scientology and asked me what I wanted. I explained I was Lisa and wanted to see David. He shut the door for a minute. I could hear someone talking to him. Then the other guy brought David to the door. David looked very tired, sleepy. He was very rude to me, blew me off completely and told me I wasn't welcome there. I was taken aback. David had never treated me like that before. I left the bottle of wine and two glasses on the front step with a note to David that said "have a nice life" Lisa.

I went back to the front of the building and called a cab. I heard someone running over the rocks in the parking lot. I was on the other side of the hedge. At first I thought it was David and he had changed his mind, then I realized it was the two guys from the apartment. I heard one of them call out "look over there" my instincts took over and I ducked into the bushes and waited. They left and I just waited in the bushes until the taxi came.

That was the last time I saw David alive. I feel now he was rude to me to protect me.

After I arrived in Seattle I received word via my family that David was dead.

The police had ruled his death a suicide. A self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.

Last year I asked the Las Vegas Police Department to re-investigate which they did and told me they only had evidence David killed himself.

The way I see it whether he pulled the trigger or someone else did it was murder. I have heard several rumors, stories from other people since I became part of the anti-Scientology activist movement. I have heard he was ordered to kill himself.

Only the people that were there really know what happened. The average person would say "that's crazy, ordered to commit suicide?"

Well, you have to know how mind control works, try going without sleep for years, in a very controlled environment doing only Scientology TRs, auditing, etc. (remember, they find out all your secrets during auditing and they are not above using that against you if you get out of line, and they had plenty on David). Also, you believe that you live again and again so you are just "dropping your body".

When I learned David was dead, I was sharing an apartment with my brother. I grabbed a few clothes, got into my car and disappeared for 8 or 9 months.

During that time I only called my mom twice to let her know I was okay. I never told my family about my last encounter with David until many years later. I thought I was all alone out there. It was long before the Scientology critic movement. My family assumed I was depressed over his death. Actually I was only about 25 minutes away from my brother but felt it best to stay downtown Seattle and work a mundane job for a while. I have been a nomad many times and become very adept at disappearing if I feel threatened. It gives you a chance to see life from many sides. When I thought it was the right time I contacted my family, later, I remarried and had a son.

In the meantime my sister, LaVenda had decided to leave Scientology. In 1982 I was singing in a jazz club in Bremerton. My sister showed up at the club.

She had suddenly decided to move to Washington. She came to club and told me she had decided to sue Scientology. She claimed the "truth" had to come out.

I begged her not to. Told her she wasn't thinking about what it would do to our family. She had caused enough problems to my parents when she was in Scientology. Again, she said she was only doing it to expose them. It all sounded very grandiose on her part at the time but that's not the way it all turned out.

You see, in Scientology the worse thing you can do is to go the newspapers write a book or sue them. They will destroy you by whatever means possible.

They have the money, the private investigators and the lawyers to do it.

There was no stopping her, and the next several years was pure hell for my family. They were constantly harassed, phone calls in the middle of the night (one time there was a phone threat telling my mother, LaVenda's eight year old daughter, Sabrina, would be raped). Private Detectives were constantly watching my parents' house and finally one of my brothers hid LaVenda for a year till the lawsuit was settled. My mother aged 20 years in less than five.

Even my great aunts had nasty-threatening letters written to them. My parents did what they could to help her believing her life was in danger. LaVenda's dog was found dead in the trunk of her car. It was a living nightmare.

When she settled, she did not "reveal" her story to the public as she has stated she would. She blew all the money in less than a year. Sometimes on very frivolous things like putting pink carpet in a rented home. Watching her I kept thinking, it's like blood money running through her fingers. She's giving it away, buying dinner for 20 people at a time. I disconnected from her for a while and started singing in Tampa. Less than year later, I decided to drop by and visit Bobby, a friend of mine. LaVenda was there acting really nervous and excited.

We went out back and she told me she was getting ready to meet a woman from O. S. A.

She said that while she was doing part time secretarial work for her lawyer Mike Flynn, she stole documents and was selling them back to Scientology for eight thousand dollars.

I freaked, figured she would be killed and they would just take the documents but she laughed at me said I was naive. She knew what they wanted and how to get what she wanted. She got what she wanted. Mike Flynn was one of the first, and few lawyers willing to take on Scientology. He had helped her out a lot. I understand his plane was tampered with (water mixed with gasoline) when he was going on a trip with his son and he stopped taking on Scientology case. I know he was harassed a lot. I am going by what I heard. I don't know all the reasons he quit defending ex-Scientologists but I assume dealing with LaVenda's betrayal a primary reason. I never met Mr. Flynn, I tried to stay away from a lot of that, but I know Mr. Flynn was very good to my parents even though the Scientology lawyers raked them over the coals.

After her $8, 000 ran out LaVenda kept saying to me "you ought to sue Scientology, Lisa" You're the one with the real case. You could sue over David’s death. She always had an angle regardless of the cost to others. I learned the hard way just how far she was willing to go.

Watching my sister in action over the years I didn't trust her with all of my information about David. I had seen her betray everyone around her. Yet, I really didn't think she would ever betray me--but I couldn't be sure.

I kept thinking she has no conscience because of all the years of auditing and TRs. I thought she would snap out of it and return to the woman I knew years before. She just hadn't adjusted yet, she was still acting like a Scientologist attacking those around her. She was my sister after all. We had many arguments over the years but we were family and I disconnected from her.

Still, I thought about what she used to be like before Scientology assuming she would always put family first.

Then one day she threw me to the wolves. About five years ago, a police officer came to my parents house and said he was investigating scientology crime stories on the internet. He asked me about David. My mom immediately called LaVenda and asked her if she was stirring up things on the internet.

LaVenda denied it, said she was mellow now, living the country life, etc. I hadn’t seen LaVenda in about three years. My mom kept trying to get us to mend fences for the sake of the family. Mom kept saying she was another person now in counseling, and finding herself. My mom didn’t know all that I had witnessed and wanted to believe her. Being that my Mom is a psycho-therapist, Lavenda always knew exactly how to manipulate her. When I went to Washington I saw LaVenda. She told me she was in counseling and wanted to talk about the past and anything I could remember about the Scientology Org to help her fill in the blanks, because she was so traumatized she couldn’t remember. It was then we talked about Louie, Scott, Bob Harvey, etc. Then I found out about Steven Fishman’s Squirrel Book and the chapter nine about me. I saw twisted lies mixed with truth and I was furious. I couldn’t understand how he could write this and get away with it.

It had to be illegal. LaVenda said as long as he didn’t make a profit he could write whatever he wanted. This was a printed copy of written chapters, I didn’t know about the Internet yet. Steven Fishman was a name, I didn’t recognize him until I saw his website, but I’m jumping ahead.

In his LaVenda chapter there were several lies I would like to get into now because I get mad every time I read it and I’m tired of people saying things to me like, "Oh, You’re the one who was drugged and gang-raped by Scientologists!"That was a lie. Why LaVenda and Steven wrote that I will get into later. Also, as I explained earlier I was not living with Louie when he died. Louie was already with Pat and I was with David. Steven also wrote that he was stealing documents while I was being raped as my illegitimate son was in his crib. My son was not illegitimate. Trying to figure out why, I can only assume someone wanted to project an image of a traumatized girl should I ever sue, Scientology knew from my auditing that I had nervous breakdown at 16 years old. They also knew I was traumatized by torture and rape. You see the Psychiatrist that helped me when I was 16 was the same psychiatrist Chuck and Maddy wanted me to discredit for money years later. The only thing I read in Steven’s book I know for sure is the truth was the affair he had with LaVenda when he was working for O. S. A years earlier. Adjusting to the news about his Squirrel book was infuriating enough but then came the sledgehammer.

At the time LaVenda was still claiming she was not seeing Steven again, but I knew she was lying about something. I started to put two and two together.

One day I called her house and her roommate, Don told me she was out of town.

When I asked where, he replied he couldn’t say, I knew LaVenda was up to her old tricks again. She hadn’t said anything to me about going out of town. I didn’t know anything about computers at the time so I asked John, Sabrina’s boyfriend, to help me find out information on the net. He located Alt.

Religion. Scientology and showed me how to access websites. I found Steven Fishman’s Website. On his website he had a section on murders and suicides.

He listed David Sandweiss but claimed I actually witnessed his death. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I read it again and everything went white. My hand started shaking on the mouse. Beyond furious and kicking myself for telling her about the last time I saw him alive. I fell for the whole scam and gave her just enough info to F--k with my life. I had to think. Was she still trying to force me into a lawsuit against Scientology?Had she figured out a way to make money off info she got from me?Or did she want me dead?Thank God, I had seen her in action to much to ever completely trust her. I needed a plan. A few days to figure out what to do. The first thing I did was borrow a shotgun from my landlord. Then I made sure my son went to stay with friends in a place where he could never be located. Next I called James and told him I needed someone to watch the house. Within the hour a man drove up in a Toyota four-wheeler, He looked like a cross between Bill Cody and Billy the kid. He was wearing a black leather coat. He showed me the slim shotgun inside and said, Hi, I’m Rob. James sent me. Where do you want me to be and what do you need?I had the right guy. I could think now. I knew I didn’t want to move again if I could avoid it and my son really liked his school. I had to find out why she did this. What was her motive for involving me?How can I keep these people from destroying my life?As far as I knew I was alone, and I didn’t want any future problems with Scientology. So I went straight to the source. I wrote a letter, had it notarized and faxed it to their Scientology Lawyers assuring them I had no intention of suing over David’s death. Then I called Lori Bartelson, asked her if they got my letter, she acknowledged that they had, and I said. "Can you tell me if my sister is suing again or something?"Have you seen her?(LaVenda had said she was going to sue because Mike Flynn ripped her off of her final settlement)Lori said, I saw your sister in court today, with Steven Fishman. When my sister returned and called me I told her I knew she was in L. A with Steven Fishman. There was a long pause then she said , yeah , they crucified him with their thirteen lawyers. I told her about the letter I sent them letting them know I did not intend to go into court against them. She blew a gasket. Later I discovered she stole personal papers,phonebooks and my Library card.I filed a police report against her when I learned $1,500.00 in library books had been stolen with my card, and it would go on a credit report.I also learned later someone had used my identity.I haven’t seen her since. I left the state, but she wasn’t done yet.

In the spring of 1999, I had just started pursuing a metaphysical spirituality. I landed an audition for a cruise swing/jazz band with a Bandleader I had admired for years,and life was fairly quiet. I stopped by my mom’s house one day and she made a comment about how strange my sister was acting. My inner alarm went off. I decided to go check out the library internet access. I entered her name and immediately connected with Arnie Lerma’s website. I started to read about how his girlfriend Victoria had disappeared after LaVenda had showed up in town with some story regarding a threat on Arnie’s life. The way he wrote I felt he was sincere. I decided to call. He was frantic, worried sick about Victoria. We talked for quite a while. I decided to give him all the numbers I had of LaVenda’s old friends and in-laws etc. I realized while we talked he was the guy in uniform from 1973. What a trip! The last time I saw him I couldn’t tell him about my plans to escape and he turns out to be one of their biggest critics. We talked for some time by phone and e-mail. After a while I decided to move here. I decided to keep it to myself for a while knowing my parents would not be happy with any connection to the anti-Scientology movement. Telling my parents was not easy. My Father told me I was insane, (twice) my mother cried and my brother told me he was going to tie me to a chair to stop me.

Naturally, once LaVenda found out she called all of them and told them all kinds of lies about Arnie and tried to stop me. I had to wonder what else she didn’t want me to know. Once I was packed on my way. My brother tried everything he could to stop me. He said, Can’t you find someone who isn’t an ex-scientology critic? Lavenda says he is a rapist and you will end up in the closet. I tried to explain to him that he did not have all the facts and LaVenda was just trying to cover her tracks. I had to go. There was something there for me, and if I didn’t go I would always wonder If I should have. He said what if you regret this? What if you are wrong?I said," I won’t mind coming back to Florida with regrets, better than wondering the rest of your life if you should have taken a chance." He finally relented and I was on my way. Arnie had told me some things about the critic movement, but I was completely unprepared and proceeded to step on toes. I had a lot to learn.

Arnie looked the same but with silver sideburns and still arrogant. I started sorting the ghosts of the past, and Arnie introduced me to the "Real OT Powers". My roomate was Scott Mayer(former Fleet Captain for L. Ron Hubbard).He was very kind to me,a good man with keen intellect.He told me about his last encounter with LaVenda.He thought she was a friend.She set him up in Chehalis,Washington.He thought he was going down to live with her and investigate Scientology activities there.He wound up getting thrown out and dealing with trumped-up charges of child molesting,luckily the police had a clue and it was never prosecuted.He was left in the winter weather homeless,but he tuned it to his advantage and started working for a homeless shelter and informing the public about Scientology.It took it's toll on his health but I think all those years of "making it go right" helped.

I started meeting some of the critics, and I learned I really wasn’t alone out there, feeling like I was the only one who had bad experiences with Scientology. I found out there was a network of Scientology Critics all over the country. Some of the most creative, intelligent, and strong I have ever known. This was a whole different lifestyle. I started meeting all different kinds of people. (Some were not thrilled that I was LaVenda’s sister, but most were fair)Some of the critics emanated great strength, others still operated like O. S. A in constant attack mode, some constantly paranoid, and some with good reason to be paranoid. Some without the ability to love (Love is not part of the Scientology tone scale)and some with complete insensitivity to the feelings of others. (A symptom of long term TR’s and auditing) It always amazes me when I meet an adult 40 or fifty year old that still has the emotional maturity of a teenager although I understand why now.

One time when I complained to Arnie about a very childish woman that was giving me a hard time, he said "Lisa I am trying to build an army, only some of the soldiers have broken heads, some have broken bones, and some have broken minds." Lesson One.

I started to view things from a different perspective. It has been a privilege to associate with men and women who define courage. Since I’ve been here I’ve gone to battle with a few. Because of my own feelings when I would read the Fishman version of "my story" on another web page I started asking people to remove the lies re : the gang rape and David’s death. Some thought I was O. S. A, I was accused of being an angry person, some cooperated, and some questioned Arnie’s judgement I’m sure. You see. I was angry. Everytime I read it. Nobody ever asked me. It was a juicy story but the truth will bring down Scientology. To be fair I’m sure LaVenda never offered my address and phone to any of the critics either.

Since I’ve been here I’ve had about eight flat tires, I carry picket signs in my car and walked out to find a smashed car window. I’ve had harassing calls at work and home and I have been harassed by a homeless guy twice now.

Actually, I expected much worse knowing the fate of Victoria and Scientology patterns.

I had only been here a few months, Arnie was out of town when two F. B. I.

agents came to the door investigating a phoned in bomb threat. I almost started laughing when they said it and they knew it was a set-up. I explained a lot of things to them. Arnie and friends were saying black-out on the net (meaning no more info ) until they could expose secret documents for the net.Suddenly an anonymous phone call turns one statement into a bomb threat.I let the F.B.I agents look around and they saw what was really going on.They even took flyers and info packs with them.with them.

I will never forget New Years Day 2000 when Arnie was in the newspaper for exposing the phony Scientology New Years Eve celebration pictures that had been doctored up to look like it was packed with people. The next day Arnie looked out the front window smiled and said ,"I guess I ticked someone off."

(Well he didn’t say ticked. ) We went out the front door and someone had burned rubber all the way to the front door, the tracks were so deep in the grass they stayed for months. I guess we were suppose to get scared,it only served to remind Arnie he created the effect he wanted.

One time Arnie and I went to a meeting set up by Scientologist's at the Senate Building.They were having alot of trouble in foreign countries and trying to get sympathy claiming "Religious bigotry and Intolerance."Arnie wore a nice blue suit with a "SCIENTOLOGY KILLS" T-shirt underneath his jacket.We knew we were not allowed to hand out flyers but there was no rule against having them in your lap,should someone ask.Yet the Scientologists were handing out their info packs as you entered the meeting room. It was packed with the media.The man at the door recognized Arnie and tried to prevent us from entering.I told him, "This is a public meeting you can't stop us," and he relented.They had their token actress Anne Archer there to speak.You had to feel sorry for her.About halfway through the meeting,Arnie casually stood up and took off his jacket.They went ballistic.A Police Captain came over and asked Arnie to come with him to the hall.I thought they would arrest him so I went out too.By the time Arnie finished with him and and the other Officer they were asking for flyers and Internet info. I had to admit the guy could weave magic.

Whenever I hear the word "clams" (the critic word for "Scientologist") I think about the first picket I went to. Hot as hell in the summer. We all decided to take a lunch break and to walk across the street to a restaurant.

We sat in the patio and watched OSA out there waiting for us to come back.

Sylvia Stannard was sitting on the cement walk in shorts waiting for us.

After lunch, Arnie kept saying "hold on, let’s wait a while" finally he said "wait, I think Sylvia is looking pretty pink now just a bit more and we’ll head back. " Donny said "is that what you call a clambake"?She looked very sunburned.

Jim always causes a fuss when he brings his "Honk, if Scientology Sucks"

sign, the public loves it!

When I started to picket At first I reacted a lot. Arnie clued me in. At the Lisa McPherson Candlelight Vigil Picket, Scientology’s OSA handlers cussed at me and said vile things about Arnie. Sometimes there were 3 or 4 of them on me at one time. I started to lose my temper a few times, but Nuke calmed me down. She said you have to feel bad for them they are victims too. I thought how can I do that when they are screaming in my face? I didn’t fully understand.

Then she lit candles and we did a special candlelight vigil for Lisa McPherson. Out of Nuke a small woman with a calm manner came a booming voice, I don’t know where it came from—she didn’t need a speaker. I was amazed by her effect on everyone.

As we crossed the road when we left, the OSA handlers were still screaming things at us, she said again you have to feel sorry for them, they are victims of mind control.I was in overwhelm with their nastiness—that was my second lesson in the critic world.

The critics are a combination of all people. Some are long-term ex-Scientologists. Some have never been in Scientology. Some are there out of concern for friends or family in the cult and some are dealing with the death of a cult member. They all have three things in common:

1.. A clue
2.. A desire to warn the public
3.. Guts of steel

You might say "I would never be stupid enough to join a cult" Well, you have to understand the deception used and how mind control works. They call themselves a "religion". They lead you to believe in the beginning that no matter what your weakness is Scientology can help you with that. I remember a young man in ’73 that was taking courses to get over shyness and stuttering.

Another man was in a wheelchair and believed with enough "auditing" he could walk again. He mortgaged his home for that dream.

I would like to touch on the "auditing" side of Scientology. I have read a lot of theories and heard a lot of discussion about the negative effects of auditing. Of course associating with long-term ex-Scientologists showed me the lack of ability to love and insensitivity to the feelings of others that many have exhibited to me. It reminds me a little of Hitler and the mind-control experiments he used to create his own robots, he even used methods to wipe out emotions. A strict regimen of his forces helped him to take over and murder millions.

Our own government has done research on mind control. Why don’t they get a clue? After all in 1982 L. Ron Hubbard’s wife, Mary Sue and 11 others were convicted and sent to prison in the largest domestic spying case in history.

(Scientology claims they have gotten rid of all the bad apples now).

If that’s the case why is Hebrew Jentsch (President of Scientology) facing criminal charges in Spain? How is it the Greeks found top secret NATO secrets in the Scientology files?

Why did the Russians raid Scientology files in 1998?

Why does Germany consider Scientology a threat to their constitution and place them under surveillance?

Belgium raids, etc. —the list goes on.

It’s a little scary when I think back to 1973 and someone saying "we want to clear the planet".

Anyway, so much for the rant. (I’ve been hanging out with Lerma a lot).

I have already covered the "PC files" The first thing Scientology collects from you in case they need to use it against you later.

I need to talk about the physical reactions of auditing. There has been a lot of individual research (inspired by critics not the government) I have heard a lot of debate about it. I know Arnie has done extensive research on electrical currents going through the body, Nordenstrom is a good source and Steve CT in England asked his country to get involved after he lost a good friend of his died while in the cult of Scientology. He has done extensive research.

Yet our own government doesn’t appear to be interested in the fact that the e-meter used in auditing is strong than a tens unit used by therapists and chiropractors for back pain. If they have limits on that why doesn’t the government take notice when Scientology recently upgraded the charge?

Oh, was I ranting again?

I have heard that the real secret to Scientology is the e-meter that after a while the charge you get is similar to an endorphin release runners get from a lot of exercise and its actually addictive. Something to ponder.

Personally I was hoping that several of the long-term ex-Scientologists that are now facing cancer would get together and sue Scientology but it would be a hard thing to prove that auditing causes cancer. The fact is many Scientologists I met chain smoked under stress, but if you could get the non-smokers together, wouldn’t that be something?

Then again it might drag up questions some like buried like power lines on schools.

I think Scientology’s biggest weapon is fear. The fear of being destroyed by them. Or the fear of having your family attacked in some way for speaking out.

I am writing this for several reasons. I am trying to explain to the average (layman) how Scientology works. I want everyone to know where I’m coming from and I’m hoping someone, somewhere will tell me about David’s final days and what really happened.

I know now that four months before David died, Quentin Hubbard was found dead in his car.

The Las Vegas police ruled it suicide.

Did David know too much? Did L Ron Hubbard hate having a gay son that much? I don’t care if David chose a gay lifestyle. I want to know if he was blackmailed into cooperating and he just couldn’t take it anymore or he was ordered to kill himself because he was no longer useful to the cult, or someone else pulled the trigger. And on a deeper level I would like to know if there was any joy in his life before he died.Did he find love? Did he forget that he would always be loved regardless of the choices he made?

I think sooner or later it will all come out.

My sister and Scientology knew about me to play on my fears. The comments about the closet and rape were used to intimidate me. Yes, I have had lots of psychiatric counseling and I’m not ashamed of that. I needed it to put my life back together. I am usually a very private person but since my life has been dragged across the web, I want to make some things very clear, should I have future problems for writing this. I do not have a criminal record so if I’m ever busted for drugs (like Jesse Prince was of the Lisa McPherson Trust) I would like that noted and hope someone does a fair investigation.

Also, I am more centered than I have ever been in my life and have no desire to kill myself should I wind up dead. Again I hope my death would be investigated.

In 1999, before I drove up here to join Arnie, my brother asked me if it was worth it. What if I was wrong, the answer is no, it wasn’t worth it to cause stress on my family. I had no right to do that. Yes it was worth gaining the strength I have now and a new understanding of my world.

Since I am not afraid of Scientology anymore and I’m not afraid to die.

I recently found an old journal of mine,with a list from the spring of 1999,Just before I located Arnie on the Internet, I had just heard that LaVenda was acting strange again. My immediate reaction was "Oh—what is she doing now? Will she give Scientology some reason to hassle me?"

I went home and started a list. The pros and cons of uprooting my life.

Should I move? Should I get ready to be a nomad again? I had just landed the singing job for cruise ships. Should I give that up? Should I sing under another name? I was reacting with fear I wrote go to the Internet find out what is going on.The last thing on the list said "how does the mouse become the cat?" I came here to find out. Arnie Lerma taught me how.

Lisa Gibson