A five-minute version was presented for a Toastmasters Humorous Speech Contest in 1996, This version wass posted on Operation Clambake Message Board on Oct. 16, 2000.

PROPS: cardboard building with chimney type shute, crank handle on side, pictures of animals trying to escape through bars on wndows.

Cover for bldg. Rubber raw chicken. Demented looking stuffed muppet with sewn on red horns. Stuffed skunk. hidden tape recorder with appropriate sound eeffects.

AUDIENCE PLANTS: AB = audience believer. AS - audience skeptic THE WIZARD OF RON Once upon a time in the Land of Ron where dreams come true, there lived a Great Wizard and honest, ethical Beings called Rondroids, Now the Rondroids knew their Great Wizard was the wisest wizard, the humanist humanitarian and the greatest philosopher the Universe had ever known.

Why their Great Wizard was Superhuman, A Genuis, a war hero, a poet, a film producer, a music maker, a great explorer, a nuclear physicist, a scienc ficton writer and man's best friend.

And the Rondroids knew their Great Wiard had uncovered the secrets of the Universe and discovered the one and only way to save the Planet!

AS: "How'd they know that?"

What?? How did the Rondroids know? Why their Great Wizard told them so.

So courageous Rondroids set forth on secret missions to carry the Great Wizard's "tech" to every planet in the Universe. Of course, these honest, ethical beings had to conceal their true identities.

AS: " Why?"

Why??? Because there were doctors, psychiatrists and the FDA to the right of them.

AB: "Oh, My!"

The CIA, the FBI and the IRS to the left of them.

AB: "Oh, My!."

Lwyers, the Media and Henry Kissinger behind them.

AB: "Oh, My!' And all of them were criminally insane and beyond redemption.

AS: "How'd they know that?"

How did the Rondroids know? Why, their Great Wizard told them so.

So honest, ethical Rondroids became Concerned Business Beings of America and invited Indian Beings from all over the Universe to a "free"

humugous POW WOW. Guess who got lucky and won the door prize? Why, the Five Tribes from that lovely little Land of Okla where the beings are Okies and the wizards are Senators.

AS: :What'd they win?"

Well, the Five Tribes won a 25-year contract which promised to pay $16 million and the Clever Rondroids got to set up the Great Wizard's Tech on an Indian Reservation as a drug treatment program and it was known as (SE: Fan fare music as cover is whipped off bldg.) KNOCK-A-NUT SILLY TRUE LIES CENTER!!!!

AB: (claps loudly) Why, one Senator Wizard just knew the Program was great, the Rondroids were wonderful and it was Sunny Skies and Happy Days!

AS: "How'd he know that?"

How did the Senator Wizard know? Why, the Rondroids told him so.

But soon, the Sunny Skies grew storrny (SE - storm music) Lightning flashed, Thunder roared! Evil Beings wanted to kick the Rondroids out the door! Obnoxious newsmen, crooked politicians, evil psychiatrists and despicable Okies, all crazy, criminal drug pushers, were raining on the Great Wizard's Parade.

Why they badmouthed a religion and were conspiring to destroy the most effective drug treamtnent program in the Universe!

AS: "How'd they know that?"

How did the Rondroids know? Why, their Great Wizard told them so.

So naturally the Okies, who had been wined, dined, courted and wooed now had to be harassed, intimidated, slandered and sued!

AS: "why?:

Because the honest, ethical Rondroids knew the ends justifies the means and it's all right to harm another if your cuase is just. So do anything and everything for your Great Wizard, you must!

AS: "How's they know that?"

How'd the Rondroids know? Why, their Great Wizard told them so.

So, to the rescue, galloped (SE- galloping horses) the Legal Eagles, the Psych Busters, the Super Sleuth, Heberman and the Bimbo Barmaid from the Wood of Holly. But alas, alack, twas of no avail. All the Rondroids' superhuman battle plans were doomed to fail.

AB: (Loud wailing sobs) Oh, Oh, Do not cry! (Run over and give AB a large red hanky) All was not lost for the Great Wizard always wins, whatever the cost. The Company of C.A.R.F. from the Land of Zona was paid to save the day! Knock-a-Nut Silly True Lies Center shot down the enemy, won the War and got to stay.

AB: (stands, raises right arm in salue) "Hip, Hip, Hooray! Hip, Hip Hooray!"

And to this very day you will find Rondroids in the lovely little Land of Okla operating the Great Wizard's Processing Plant (drop rubber chicken down chimney shute) and turning RAW Meat into (turm cank handle (SE - scream and grinding noises) HONEST, ETHICAL LITTLE RONDROIDS WHO ARE GOING TO SAVE THE PLANET! (Reach in front door, pull out demended horned muppet, scream. toss into audience, wipe hands like out damned spot and shudder) AS: "How do they know that?"

How do the Rondroids know? Why they tell each other so.

The moral of the story:

It ain't necessarily so, just because someone tells you so.

Because Dreams that coome true in Fantasy Land are only fairy tales in the real world.

So you must remember this, Beware of strangers bearing gifts, Because a ConMan can hide behind a kiss, a skunk by any other name still stinks the same and Nightmares can come true too. (Throw skunk into audience.) The End Not a Clone, Not a Sock Pupper, Not OSA, Not DM, Just TIGGER