HARASSMENT DIARY, by Paulette Cooper (1982)
Part 13: Deterioration

My 1997 editorial comments are enclosed in [[double square brackets]].

***

By the summer [[of my indictment for the bomb threats actually sent by Scientology to frame me]], with the trial scheduled for the fall, this [[namely the fact that I was not permitted by the court to travel out of the state]] was no longer a problem anyway, because for the first time in my life I became increasingly agoraphobic and unable to leave my house.

In fact, one of my closest friends died during this period (which certainly didn't help my state of mind, to say the least) and as distraught as I was, I couldn't make it out of my apartment that day for his funeral.

I was terrified to be around people. I remember one friend coming over to try to make me walk around the block, but I was too anxious to take more than a few steps and started crying, begging him to let me return home.

In addition to my psychological deterioration, I was also looking pretty awful. Partially it was from tension, total lack of sleep, the fact that I cared so little about myself, or life in general, that I stopped taking care of my hair, makeup, clothes or anything.

Most days it was too much for me to even straighten up the apartment (nonetheless clean it or do the dishes), and I stopped playing with my little dog to whom I had been very attached.

I was also physically ill. My stomach pains returned, [[I had had surgery for fibroid tumors a year earlier]] along with some female problems, and this added to my fears because the doctor had indicated a year earlier that I would need further surgery [[that the fibroids were likely to return]], and I hardly wanted to go through that ordeal again. (1)

Not surprisingly, my relationship with Bob [[my boyfriend of several years]] became increasingly strained, posited mostly on the events which made me, as he put it "no fun anymore." He simply could not understand why I couldn't ignore what was going on.

I lost all sexual interest (I also developed a new problem then and that was that I didn't want anybody to touch me, sexually or otherwise), and by mutual agreement he started seeing another girl "for sexual purposes." I knew she was working on getting him for more than that, and it added to my problems when I realized I was losing him to her.

Jerry [[the secret Scientologist]] and Barbara [[my best friend]] were the only people I saw each day. Around May or so, Jerry had convinced me that he should move into my apartment.

Indeed, Bob thought it was a.good idea, since he knew I was highly unlikely to be "unfaithful" to him, especially with an asexual immature child. Jerry paid half the rent, which I badly needed, and I was fearful and liked having a man around for protection. In addition, when I became extremely agoraphobic, he went out and did the shopping and the little things I couldn't leave the house to do.

(1) [[personal female problem cut]]