Anonymous asked this question on 7/11/2000:

I'm seeing a girl I met several weeks ago. Several times I tried to "make a move" I have been rebuffed. She seems to like me (she keeps calling me and going out with me). Background...

I'm 34 and she's 28. We went to the same school though we only recently met through mutual friends.

Our second meeting she bumped into me at a local coffeehouse. We talked and I became interested in her (I like brainy girls). I asked if she wanted to see a movie later that week and she agreed. After more conversation she accompanied me to a diner for a late dinner. Not knowing if she was interested in romance, I didn't make any moves that night nor during the movie night. At the end of the second outing I did say I liked her and told her I'd like to make our relationship more like boyfriend/girlfriend. she agreed and hugged me goodnight.

Note: I recently lost 40-50 pounds and came out of a 7 year period of celibacy. Thus I'm new to dating and relationships (though I had several long-term relationships in high school and college).

For the third date I called her to see if she wanted to go on an informal picnic. She said yes and I got together some food since she was busy working late that day. A half hour after she was to show up she called and said she overlooked the time (she'd stopped at a female colleague's place to see a room rental). When she finally showed up I was a bit annoyed. We talked and decided to rent a movie and go to her place. There we sat next to each other and I put my arm on her shoulder. After two minutes she said she was uncomfortable with the arm. I was silent til the end of the video. Afterwards she explained the reason she reacted that way was because her first boyfriend (10 years ago!) had taken on another girlfriend after she dumped him! Also she is Chinese, (in US 2-1/2 years) and in China it can be months before people kiss! She said I'll know when to make a move by her "body language"...hmm

Our fourth date she was supposed to meet a friend and me at a pub. She was an hour late before I took off with my friend. By then I'd given up on her. But she calls me at 2 AM (!) and apologizes. She said she figured we were going to be there a while and parking was hard to find etc... The next day she called wanting to meet me and my friend somewhere (he was in town for several days). We told her we'd pick her up. That night went well.

By this time, she was arousing my curiosity with her back and forth behavior so I decided to ask her to dinner. I should note, we have a lot in common on a deep level and she claims she enjoys her time with me. We are about equal in looks, brains and background so there's no power disparity. The first few times we went dutch, and after I later paid for a meal she has since been eager to reciprocate (We both earn about the same).

Dinner date went well, I picked her up. I did chastise her for her pattern lateness. Not much else happened that night except our typical fascinating conversation.

My female roommate had been following the saga and thought this girl was indeed interested in me but that I should "assess the status of the relationship" by asking the girl. I decided to switch gears and instead of being cool I would be romantic. Got her a great set of flowers and took her to an Italian restaurant. She seemed very flattered but cool as usual. Walking around a lake afterwards she was explaining how different American and Chinese dating ways are and she mentioned the kind of features she likes in a guy, that guys should not be too "soft" or "hard". Asked to elaborate, she described Harrison Ford as just right. I took it to mean she thought I might be soft (reformed hopeless romantic nice guy) but she implied that I was fine. End of the night I still had no answer on the state of the relationship, just vague clues.

Tired of clues, I decided to not call her anymore.

After she went away that weekend with friends she called me to see if I wanted to see July 4th fireworks with her. I mentioned I was going to a BBQ- she thought that was cool so I reluctantly agreed w to bring her along. As we walk the park she complains that I shouldn't have been so annoyed with her about being late twice. I thought this was strange.

As the fireworks started I decided to put my arm around her waist to see her reaction. She pulls away and we don't talk the rest of the event. Going to the car, she starts on about how guys with deep voices and muscles turn her on and she never had chemistry with her previous boyfriends though she'd had long relationships with them. Asked why her last boyfriend and her took six months to consummate their relationship she said he had threatened to leave and she didn't want to lose him as a friend. She also said thay'd had the best sex together. The night devolved into negotiation about when and if we should do it. She said her parents always fight and I told her that was why I suspected she was standoffish about physical intimacy. She also said she was confused about the relationship. After some talk about how she cared about me and was concerned a physical relationship might change things, I implied that I didn't need any more female "friends". She said she'll think about what she wants while I'm away (for 10 days in Connecticut).

My roommate (relationship authority) is as stumped as me. I bid her a farewell by phone the day I left for Connecticut and asked if she had thought about what we talked about. She said "let's keep it the way it is". WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!?! As relationship or friendship???

Writing this I feel I should have dumped this nut after the third outing. Today she "accidentally" called me on my cell phone. Another female friend (a bigger relationship expert) says next time I should give her a huge smooch and see what happens.

I like the girl but I'm not hooked on her. Only because we seem compatible in so many ways have I been patient, but what is all this about??

Is she yanking my chain? Lonely? (she has friends). Sadistic? Nuts? Egomaniacal?

-Perplexed

moonrunner gave this response on 7/11/2000:

Regarding Nutty Signals: Are you Orienta? If not, maybe she sees tou as a non-possibility as future material as her family would not allow her to wed out of her faith and traditions. Also, I haven't know a whole thicketful of Chinese girlds in my life, but the ones that I have known are pretty much the same as your girl friend. They do play silly little games to have the boyfriend off- kilter. ut serves another, greater service also. It allows the male to be made a fool of, something that a lot of Asian women seem to want to do, [perhaps to pay back all men who have sa on them for their lifetimes] They get together with like-minded pals and giggle about how well they are getting on with THE GAME. Please don't think that I am a bigot. I don't know any other Asian girls since I left University where I had about 5 very close Asian pals. And now you are bringing it all back to me. Your girl seems to be doing the same things. I don't think that they play these games on Oriental boys, because, quite a lot of them only marry for convenience and can always get another wife. But back to your girl. She is expecting you to be just like an Asian man, to ignore her more or less, and to get angry with her when she is doing wrong. The way she turned that late business around to show you a lession is typical. She is late. You are put out. She gets frosty when you scold her. If you are at a point where it doesn't mater if she stays as your girl or not, it will suit you well to tell her that, yes, you have been thinking, and you believe you will go along as you have been doing. If you ask her to meet you at a place by 6:00, tell her grimly that you do mean 6:00, because you will leave if she is five minutes late. And do it. Leave. No calling her. Wait for her to call you. At that time she may appologise for not turning up. Very clever these girls. Tell her it was fine that she missed the five minute cut-off, because you met someone in the coffee shop and when 6:05 came, you asked the girl to go to a movie with you. You can say it was someone you had known from before. Keep on top of her. I mean that. She wants you to be strict with her. When she pouts if you attempt a romantic gesture, [meaning: you're nasty! Why should I let you kiss me?]Reply by saying, "Oh, yes, that's right. You were a naughty girl by being late again. Do you really think I should kiss such a bad girl?" I don't often advise playing games, but this one will need games or else it will founder on the beach of missed opportunity. Let me know how thing s go, okay. hanks. By the way, will you rate my response? Thank you. moonrunner.