Anonymous asked this question on 7/10/2000:

Dear Lady Mara:

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 9 months now. At first we cliqued and formed a very intense bond; it was very spirtiual and intellectual. We found that we had a lot in common. But, the problems slowly came out of the wood works. First I learned that in the past he had been with a lot of girls causally. That sparked some concern on my part. However, since we had formed such an intense bond, I decided that i would confront him and move on (essential just trust him). Since then, there hasn't been anything to my knowledge of him being with other girls. He has been very faithful. Later on in the relationship, we had a big talk about our relationship and our roles in the relationship. He told me some really important things- basically that he was really in love with me and he wanted to be there for me in everyway possible. Things have changed. He has disregarded anniversaries and told me that I shouldn't expect anything from anyone. He was not obligated to do anything. Which he hasn't. But the worst of it is that he ruined my 20th birthday. You see I am really a fanatic about birthday's. I had a nice day going to dinner with my family,and having my friends call. He promised to take me out. But plans got changed. His friends called and they wanted to smoke with him;I told him i didn't want to do that. He said okay we'll go to a party; but we didn't. Instead I watched him smoke with his friends all night. i'm really hurt more than anything. what do I do?

LadyMara gave this response on 7/11/2000:

Sweetheart....

When you said that he was "smoking" I hope that you don't mean what I think you mean? If so....dump him right now. People can give whatever opinions that they want to about the use of recreational drugs, but just from the opinion of WASTING money and time.... he is a loser.

Now, there are a lot of people who approve or disapprove of drugs. But, for some reason, his friends and his "smoke" is more important than you are.... do you see this changing? I don't. You can not change someone. Many people will put on their "best behavior" when you first meet because they want to "get you". Then, once they feel that they "have" you, they let their guard down and let the "real them" show through. You are seeing it now darlin.....

If you are a fanatic about birthdays, and he went out of his way to show you that your birthday was not very important to him, how do you think the future birthdays will be with him? You are better off sharing your birthdays with your family and real friends until the right sort of guy comes along.....

He did not hurt you.... I am glad you did not say "he hurt me". By going along with his plans you allow him to hurt you, therefore it is not his fault that you are hurt. I feel for you. I have been there. Not repeatedly (grin). Men call me hard, but you only have one time to "dis" (does anyone recognize that this is short for DISRESPECT???) me and they are history. You shouldn't have to plead with a guy to be with you. If you are intelligent and interesting, and not so ugly that you need a bag over your face (tease...few people can say that they are in life!) you can easily find someone who will treat you with the respect and caring that you deserve!

Don't think another thought about him.... you are young.... in the vernacular of your generation I say "throw him to the curb!" (grin)

You sound like you have a little class... only date guys with similar class!! Why sell yourself short? I usually do not get so blunt with the "dump em" advice....but drugs alter the mind and if he spends all his money and time on drugs, what is there for you? It will only get worse so why get more attached!!

I hope this helps you dear....let me know if you need anything else. I'll be praying for you..... also....be careful in your dealings with him. Many times people (especially the guy people) can get a little fanatic or obsessive if you tell them that you don't like something or are ending the relationship.

Whatever you decide....be definite and final. If you decide you want to continue in this relationship....you are going to have to set down what you will and will not tolerate. The reason I did not "advise" trying this is that when you are dealing with mind altering substances like drugs and alcohol there is no reasoning with someone. When they are sober they will promise you anything....but they will invariably and totally forget every good intention once they get "high" again.

The subject of the many girls casually in the past is not really an issue if he is faithful now. As long as you are not sexually intimate it is not an issue. But if you are or plan to become sexually intimate with him or someone else, make sure that you are both disease free. The issue in this subject is whether he was honest or not. Once a liar, always a liar. Be careful. People who use are usually professional liars.....

I'm sorry if the picture I am painting is not very cheery, but I want it to be real.....

God bless you sweetheart and good luck,

love,

LadyMara

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