liquidfemale asked this question on 7/10/2000:

OK, I am a 23 year old female. I've been dating and such since at least age 16, lost my virginity at 19 but was sexual since 16. My male friend for about a decade now told me something recently that I really want to find out if he's right about. He has been right about me in the past so I'm taking it seriously. He told me that the guys I'm attracted to are a$$holes and I only go after them because I want to be challenged. He told me this after I was complaining to him about guys I've gone out with one night (really sensitive of me huh?) I don't have any interest in my friend, he's too much like a brother, but he seems so rare. He's smart, VERY attractive and super-nice. Not very social though, he reads a lot and likes to stay at home. I don't think he is attracted to me either.

Anyhow, I am attractive and tall and probably intimidating to some guys. So I was thinking that maybe confidence and a$$holes go hand in hand. I know it must take confidence to come up and talk to me so maybe it's not that I look for a$$holes. Maybe it's that only confident guys can approach me, and they are all a$$holes. What do you think about that?

Furthermore, my friend and I went in search of a "nice guy" one day. We went to talk to the bookworms at our college and the guys who sign up for community service and stuff. And I'll tell you a lot of them are just dorks. One of them kept writing all over himself because he was fidgiting with his pen and stuff.

SO, I want to know how guys grow up to be what they are. Why do some of them grow up to be confident and competent and charming but also untrustworthy and just mean. And a lot of the guys who grow up to be sensitive to people and might be trustworthy and such are just socially inept and sometimes smell. My friend says that it's partly the fault of the way women treat men and what they expect men to fulfill for them. Like strength and such. I'll admit that has to be somewhat true, but it can't be all.

So explain guys to me please, please, please.

Oh yeah, and don't try telling me I have self esteem problems. Those a$$holes go out as fast as they came in when they start showing their true colors and I'm a pretty happy person. I just would like to find someone who is: attractive, strong, trustworthy, nice, socially adept and smart. And I'd like to know why some of these seem to conradict each other.

=)

Thanks in advance.

Toria365 gave this response on 7/11/2000:

Would'nt we all like to find that kind of guy!!! Why do you think all the cliches about men exist? Not by chance. Like..A good man is hard to find...Still looking for Mr. right..blah blah blah. What I've realized is that men and women are very very different...sounds simple but really think about it. We're raised differently and conditioned into these gender roles. Most men look upon sensitivity as weakness and believe that women prefer machismo. It's a myth..perpetuated by society and media alike..the whole image and role. People really just want to relate to each other...most women don't want an arrogant a**hole and most men don't want a complacent bimbo. You would'nt know that by watching just about any show on TV though. My advice is keep looking, don't judge a guy by first impressions..get to know him..because sometimes the "sensitive" ones are really conniving bastards and the brooding tough guy has a heart of gold. Leave yourself open to alot of friendship and go from there...a great boyfriend is usually a great friend first. As for why some guys are just a wreck...dunno, some have crazy male role models or none at all..some have overbearing mothers or none at all..some are insecure, some are ego-maniacs...Some have wonderful supportive families but are a wreck nonetheless.... Like so much else in the world, it remains a mystery. Good luck in finding a guy worth figuring out! Toria

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