Anonymous asked this question on 7/9/2000:
i really do not know where to start. I have been dating a guy that i met via net for about 8 months now. up till this past weekend, we have been really close and actually he had proposed to me about a month ago. I could see visions of spending the rest of my life with him. I love him with all of my heart and soul. I am extremely scared at the moment. I havent eaten anything hardly all weekend and I cant sleep. I cannot cry anymore tears. I have tried to cry because I think I would feel better but cant. Anyway, one of his old "girl" "friends" came into town this weekend. They say their relationship is like sister and brother, but they do things that someone in a relationship would do. It is all weird to me. cuddling, hugging, wrestling, ect. everytime they sit beside each other, the have to be touching some how. (hands, feet, ect) I am sorry but I dont do this with just "friends" He was fussing that he felt as if I were putting him second place in our relationship a few weeks ago because I was chatting and hanging out with our friends. I did not hug, cuddle, wrestle, ect. with them. well i do sometimes, but gee not like 24-7 each wakening hour that they are together. i really do not think that i am over reacting. I am sick!! really depressed and cant think straight. He reassures me that I am the only one and that they are just friends and there is nothing else there. He calls her his sister. HHMM...ya know what??? I have a friend that says that too, but he wants more than that and just says I am like his sister in front of everyone else. I know this but no one else knows it. I just can not deal with someone that acts so flirty and shows these so-called "just friend" feelings. I do not want a relationship like this, I dont share my man, and I def. dont want some other female hanging all over him!! I really dont have a question to ask, because I know you cannot make things better for me. Just asking for your advice and friendship. I need like the biggest hug anyone could possibly offer at the moment! thanks! =0)
shrink4u gave this response on 7/10/2000:
Dear Anonymous,
I think your feelings about what's going on with your boyfriend are very normal. I personally feel that it is not okay for anyone who is in a 'relationship' to go out with people of the opposite sex, unless it is strictly business. This woman is probably scheming and hoping you will break up with your boyfriend. Then, she thinks she will snag him. Don't give her the satisfaction of doing that. There is little you can do to change her actions.
The real issue is why your boyfriend tolerates all the affection from her and with her. Perhaps it makes him feel good, maybe he really feels sorry for her, or doesn't want to hurt her feelings by insisting she leave him alone. Maybe he's trying to get back at you in some way from a few weeks ago when he said he felt like he was "second" with you. Maybe he's trying to make you jealous. . .
He may be continuing to be friendly with this other girl just to show you he can do as he pleases. Unless you're ready to draw the line and tell him it's over if he continues hanging out with her so much, it might be best to let this work itself out. He'll either wake up and get tired of hanging with her, since he loves you! It sounds like he really loves you, as evidenced by asking you to marry him! Since that's the case, I think you should just try to ignore the whole situation.
Go out with some friends (not men - the idea is not to get even or show him how it feels) to a movie, or sporting event, whatever you enjoy. Have a good time and treat the whole situation casually. Try not to grill him about his time with his other "friend," but let him think you aren't interested. Hopefully, he will begin to realize what might happen to your relationship if this continues!
Take care, and good luck!!
Much love,
Mary
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