liquidfemale asked this question on 7/10/2000:

OK, I am a 23 year old female. I've been dating and such since at least age 16, lost my virginity at 19 but was sexual since 16. My male friend for about a decade now told me something recently that I really want to find out if he's right about. He has been right about me in the past so I'm taking it seriously. He told me that the guys I'm attracted to are a$$holes and I only go after them because I want to be challenged. He told me this after I was complaining to him about guys I've gone out with one night (really sensitive of me huh?) I don't have any interest in my friend, he's too much like a brother, but he seems so rare. He's smart, VERY attractive and super-nice. Not very social though, he reads a lot and likes to stay at home. I don't think he is attracted to me either.

Anyhow, I am attractive and tall and probably intimidating to some guys. So I was thinking that maybe confidence and a$$holes go hand in hand. I know it must take confidence to come up and talk to me so maybe it's not that I look for a$$holes. Maybe it's that only confident guys can approach me, and they are all a$$holes. What do you think about that?

Furthermore, my friend and I went in search of a "nice guy" one day. We went to talk to the bookworms at our college and the guys who sign up for community service and stuff. And I'll tell you a lot of them are just dorks. One of them kept writing all over himself because he was fidgiting with his pen and stuff.

SO, I want to know how guys grow up to be what they are. Why do some of them grow up to be confident and competent and charming but also untrustworthy and just mean. And a lot of the guys who grow up to be sensitive to people and might be trustworthy and such are just socially inept and sometimes smell. My friend says that it's partly the fault of the way women treat men and what they expect men to fulfill for them. Like strength and such. I'll admit that has to be somewhat true, but it can't be all.

So explain guys to me please, please, please.

Oh yeah, and don't try telling me I have self esteem problems. Those a$$holes go out as fast as they came in when they start showing their true colors and I'm a pretty happy person. I just would like to find someone who is: attractive, strong, trustworthy, nice, socially adept and smart. And I'd like to know why some of these seem to conradict each other.

=)

Thanks in advance.

SeekTrueLove gave this response on 7/10/2000:

Dear Liquidfemale,

A very tough and intriguing question which will surely plague womenkind forever. As a guy, I can also state that women also perplex me to no end. Sometimes I feel like I've given up on trying to figure out what makes women tick. But I still come back for more...it's the ultimate question of the universe for men (after "what's the meaning of life?").

Perhaps I can throw out a few theories, but your guess is as good as mine.

You are probably right in that you are intimidating to a lot of guys. Beauty has a way of making us all goofy and loopy. And it's true that most confident guys have an easier time approaching you. However, I don't think confidence and being an asshole go hand in hand. There are plenty of confident guys (like me) who are not assholes. At the same token, there are plenty of insecure guys who are full of asshole tendencies.

I think that confidence comes from being raised to be able to socialize. Guys who, at an early age, can socialize and relate to other people, grow very confident because having social abilities can get them very far in life. They realize this and their success in social circles helps them grow even more confident.

Boys NOT geared to be social, or who are not encouraged enough to be social, tend to withdraw from people interaction or are very shy. This leads to insecurity which feeds upon itself. Many boys can grow out of this and become very confident and sociable and outgoing personalities. However, a lot don't, and then they end up writing a lot of stuff on themselves with Bic pens.

Another quick theory...those guys who are very sensitive and trustworthy tend to be more thoughtful or analytical in nature. This intellectuality can sometimes lead to paralysis.

For example, one of these guys sees you, does a quick mental calculation of what possible chance they have with you, figure out that it's like a snowball's chance in hell, and then give up because they fear rejection. They give up before they even get started.

A confident guy may think the opposite way: he sees you, doesn't even think about possible downside (or thinks upside is worth the risk), and approaches you. It's almost like he has absolutely nothing to lose by taking the chance.

Unfortunately, sometimes you're gonna get very confident guys steeped in asshole-ishness.

Anyways food for thought.

From a confident, nice, and trustworthy guy.

liquidfemale asked this follow-up question on 7/10/2000:

I want to ask you another question. But I want it to be private. How do I do that?

SeekTrueLove gave this response on 7/10/2000:

Dear Liquidfemale,

I believe that to ask me a "private question" just go to my Romance & Dating page, click on "ask me a question" and I think there's a box that you can click that makes the question private. That way your question and my answer will be only for us to see.

OK? I look forward to your question. Oh, and thank you for the nice rating.

Regards,

Alex

The average rating for this answer is