liquidfemale asked this question on 7/10/2000:

OK, I am a 23 year old female. I've been dating and such since at least age 16, lost my virginity at 19 but was sexual since 16. My male friend for about a decade now told me something recently that I really want to find out if he's right about. He has been right about me in the past so I'm taking it seriously. He told me that the guys I'm attracted to are a$$holes and I only go after them because I want to be challenged. He told me this after I was complaining to him about guys I've gone out with one night (really sensitive of me huh?) I don't have any interest in my friend, he's too much like a brother, but he seems so rare. He's smart, VERY attractive and super-nice. Not very social though, he reads a lot and likes to stay at home. I don't think he is attracted to me either.

Anyhow, I am attractive and tall and probably intimidating to some guys. So I was thinking that maybe confidence and a$$holes go hand in hand. I know it must take confidence to come up and talk to me so maybe it's not that I look for a$$holes. Maybe it's that only confident guys can approach me, and they are all a$$holes. What do you think about that?

Furthermore, my friend and I went in search of a "nice guy" one day. We went to talk to the bookworms at our college and the guys who sign up for community service and stuff. And I'll tell you a lot of them are just dorks. One of them kept writing all over himself because he was fidgiting with his pen and stuff.

SO, I want to know how guys grow up to be what they are. Why do some of them grow up to be confident and competent and charming but also untrustworthy and just mean. And a lot of the guys who grow up to be sensitive to people and might be trustworthy and such are just socially inept and sometimes smell. My friend says that it's partly the fault of the way women treat men and what they expect men to fulfill for them. Like strength and such. I'll admit that has to be somewhat true, but it can't be all.

So explain guys to me please, please, please.

Oh yeah, and don't try telling me I have self esteem problems. Those a$$holes go out as fast as they came in when they start showing their true colors and I'm a pretty happy person. I just would like to find someone who is: attractive, strong, trustworthy, nice, socially adept and smart. And I'd like to know why some of these seem to conradict each other.

=)

Thanks in advance.

Olomus gave this response on 7/10/2000:

Hello Liquid Female:

Personally I think that confidence comes with being happy with themselves, from enjoying life, having goals and working toward them. You do good things, you feel good - along that line of things.

Whereas the a$$holes you mention probably are vain, think the world revolves around them and owes them a living. They're not confident so much as selfish. They could also have been hurt young - fallen hard, been used and abused and feel all women are the same. They're more than often the ones who look down on others as being a lesser human than they are.

To find guys who are confident and compatible for you, have you tried getting into something different - such as, never been on ski's? Ridden a horse? Golfed/bowled? Worked out at the local gym? Attended sporting events? When we find people who are enjoying the same things as we do, chances are they're of the same "ilk" have the same pass time activities and similar goals. If where you're "hanging" isn't yielding anything worth a second glance, try changing your hang outs.

Hopefully this will help a little, if nothing else give you some food for thought to kick around and discuss w/your friend.

Olomus

Olomus gave this follow-up answer on 7/10/2000:

P.S. - this is coming from a female point of view.....

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