Anonymous asked this question on 7/13/2000:

Dear Experts:

I've been casually seeing this guy 6+ months who's divorced (one year, he filed) and I'm in process of. Neither one of us is looking for a commitment, and I thought we'd make good pair cuz he wouldn't get attached.

When we first met, he said "Girls call me" (what's up with this?). My friend gave his my card and asked if he would like to take me to lunch (we had seen each other couple different times and we both seemed to dig each other). I didn't call him, but he calld 2 wks later.

Anyway, we've seen each other 1-2/month and talked on phone about every 10 says or so. HE used to initiate calls and dates in beginning, just recently I've been calling him, within last month or so.

Almost everytime we got together, he'd make "women" remarks, like new gorgeous neighbors moving in, the best "rack" he ever saw when he went to New Orleans, etc. etc. I would just let them roll off my back or answer like one of the guys. Why does he do this? I've always been light, fun when we go out and haven't been getting possessive, etc. of him.

I've called him last 3 times to maybe get together for lunch, etc. and he's been out of town or golfing. Last time I talked to him was 7/3 and told him I had day off and maybe we could do something. He said he was golfing (but it was pouring rain outside) later and he'd call if he didn't play. Well, I felt like it was an excuse. I was in neighborhood later in afternoon to visit friend and stopped by his place. Place was trashed and dishes hadn't been washed in a week and underwear (dirty) all over the place and he was just lying in bed, almost enjoying his isolation.

We chatted for 2 hrs. and I commented I didn't like his newly bleached hair (he's 34 years old!). That's when he said he's been lucky with it and has gotten couple girls with. For sake of conversation, I asked couple questions about them and he said he preferred older one cuz the sex is better. He said I was noisey, I said no, I'm just curious. I didn't know if he was being brutal cuz I offened his ego about hair remark. Mind you, he never got out of bed, except to go to the bathroom. I left and said that I didn't want to rain on your parade and call me. He just nodded.

Why do you think he's doing this? Do you think he obviously has some new distractions and therefore I'm on the backburner?

Leave him be? Or, do you think he'll call?

Any insight would be great!!!

Promise a rating.

Thanks.

shrink4u gave this response on 7/13/2000:

Dear Anonymous,

I've got to be honest: I think you should "let go" of this relationship and move on with your life. For one thing, I don't think your boyfriend is showing you the kind of respect you deserve!! Frankly, he sounds like a jerk (recently) to me - you deserve better!!

Don't wait around thinking he'll change and remember that you (all of us) can't change other people, so it's best not to try! What you CAN change is your own reaction to other people, places, circumstances over you have no control. (An aside is the serenity prayer which I like and use a lot, reminding me about what I can and can't change: "God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.")

I think that if you continue in this relationship, you will end up with poor self-esteem, resentment, and bitter, even more angry feelings. Focus on all your "strengths," and realize that this is your boyfriend's problem, NOT yours!! Your time and energy would be better spent meeting/spending time with other people, while developing more healthy relationships.

Letting go, moving on, accepting the situation the way it is -- none of this is easy! However, if you want to "get on with your life" and move forward, while salvaging your own self-esteem, this is the only way to do so.

I wish you courage, anonymous, along with a lot of luck! Take care and best wishes!!

Love, Mary

Anonymous asked this follow-up question on

7/13/2000: Dear Shrink4u:

Thanks for your honest reply.

With your background and experience, you should know.

Can you give me some insight as to why he's doing this? He wasn't always this rude and crude. He's mentioned he talks before he thinks and that he's a hard person to get to know.

Is this his way of brushing me off or making me mad so that I do go away? Mind you, I did give him opportunity to say that, but he just said no he's busy. Maybe he's just keeping me around, just in case?

I think he basically is a good guy and I enjoyed our lunches and short talks on phone.

Do these types of guys call again? If he does, what should I say, that I'm busy or be upfront with him?

Thanks.

shrink4u gave this response on 7/13/2000:

Dear Anonymous,

Unfortunately, neither you nor I can see into your boyfriend's head or his heart to examine what's going on there. Maybe he has a problem unrelated to you that's affecting his behavior. He may still be on the rebound. Perhaps he scared himself at how attracted or close he became to you. Unfortunately, you're left with lots of maybes.

The best way to find out what your boyfriend is thinking is also the hardest thing to do. Ask! For example, the next time you're talking together, say something like - "Could we get serious for a minute? I'd like to know if you're aware of changes I've sensed in your behavior recently - is there anything going on that I might help with?" - then see what happens. He may not even be aware of the changes you've noticed!

My own opinion is that it doesn't really matter why he's behaving the way he is. That's rehashing "the problem," whereas I like to live in "the solution." I think your boyfriend is probably a nice guy. However, he doesn't sound like a very good friend OR lover to you right now -- for any number of reasons. (I think I'm glad I'll never FULLY understand men!). The solution means meeting and getting to know other people. You cannot change him!!

If he calls, be honest but not accusatory or confrontative, e.g., you "always" or "never" statements. Tell him something like the above. I think he will respect you and appreciate you more - for your courage and honesty when you worry about your own needs/wants for a change!!

Good luck anonymous!! You are in my thoughts and prayers!! Good luck and best wishes!!

Much love, Mary

Anonymous asked this follow-up question on

7/13/2000: Mary,

If he contacts me, then I can see where this may be going and talk about his behavior.

BUT

Should I call him? Say in couple weeks? Or, no?

He needs to contact me. And if not, then don't look back?

Thanks, Mary. I appreciate your well wishes.

shrink4u gave this response on 7/13/2000:

Hi again --

I think your boyfriend's come to EXPECT you to call rather than taking the initiative himself. I don't think you should call him, partly because if you keep doing the things you've always done, why would you have any reason to expect different results??

I also think he's taking you for granted! If you don't call him, he'll get curious sooner or later and he'll call. Also, for some reason men find women more interesting when they're involved and busy with other people and activities outside of the relationship i.e., you're not solely interested in and dependent on the romantic relationshiop.

Actually, Anonymous, a lot of what I'm saying involves a lot of "reasons" - I could write books, if they hadn't already been written. I DO have a good idea about how people can be happy both individually and in a relationship. They're actually intertwined. I think you have great intuitive sense about this relationship. I think all your questions/suggestions are on-target, and probably all are involved in his change of behavior.

Please feel free to write any time, Anonymous! I'd love to hear how things are going if you have time. Say to yourself many times: "I deserve better, I deserve better. . . "

Talk to you later (?)

Love, Mary

Anonymous asked this follow-up question on

7/13/2000: Thanks, Mary.

I feel, too, that I shouldn't call again. After all, I've called the last 3 times and stopped over.

I'm not totally clear if I really dig him, cuz what have I gotten in return? An obession practically?

Maybe it is just about the chase, or I think more about hating rejection and not being able to deal with that. If you can and have time, can you shed some light on that...fear of or not being able to handle rejection.

I'll keep ya posted.

shrink4u gave this response on 7/13/2000:

Dear Anonymous,

I think you are exactly right!! I honestly think you have great insight (what I call "radar") regarding what's going on with you and this man. Ever consider being an expert here?? I'm serious!

Anyway, almost everybody, at some time or another, has the same concerns about rejection as you. (I do, despite how I try to guard against it!). I can suggest some ideas you might look into for advice and answers for you or anyone experiencing fears of rejection:

1) http://www.abandonment.net/index.html

This is an internet site which states, "If you are going through a recent break-up or a lingering wound from the past; having trouble finding someone or getting a relationship to last; uncertain in your present relationship or feeling a loss of love," this site is very helpful. It includes information about "abandoners," "abandonment recovery," "Akeru - "a program of five hands-on mental exercises offers a way out of self-defeating patterns," and offers abandonment recovery support groups, and much more!

2) Another internet site entitled "Breakup Recovery Tips," which I've personally found helpful can be located at the following address: http://www.ivillage.com/TWN/print/0,2707,34632,00.html

3) An excellent book about rejection is called "Reject me I Love It" by John Fuhrer. The book has sold hundreds of thousands of copies worldwide. The author's programs, which are taken from the book, focus on overcoming what he calls the #1 fear of peak performance - rejection, and how to turn it into success. Through use of humor and personal experience, the author is said to "compel" readers to take specific actions, as outlined in his "21 Secrets for Turning Rejection into Direction."

I hope any or all these ideas might give you a starting point for exploring how to deal with rejection.

If you'd like more information or other ideas, please feel free to write - ANY TIME!

Take care of yourself!! Thanks so much for your questions - take care now, and good luck!!

Much love, Mary

¤º°`°º¤ø,¸,ø¤º°Good Luck`°º¤ø,¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,

Anonymous asked this follow-up question on

7/13/2000: Mary, thanks so very much.

I loved all 3 of your suggestions and I will definitely look into them all and soon!

Take care also.

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