Anonymous asked this question on 7/13/2000:

Dear Experts:

I've been casually seeing this guy 6+ months who's divorced (one year, he filed) and I'm in process of. Neither one of us is looking for a commitment, and I thought we'd make good pair cuz he wouldn't get attached.

When we first met, he said "Girls call me" (what's up with this?). My friend gave his my card and asked if he would like to take me to lunch (we had seen each other couple different times and we both seemed to dig each other). I didn't call him, but he calld 2 wks later.

Anyway, we've seen each other 1-2/month and talked on phone about every 10 says or so. HE used to initiate calls and dates in beginning, just recently I've been calling him, within last month or so.

Almost everytime we got together, he'd make "women" remarks, like new gorgeous neighbors moving in, the best "rack" he ever saw when he went to New Orleans, etc. etc. I would just let them roll off my back or answer like one of the guys. Why does he do this? I've always been light, fun when we go out and haven't been getting possessive, etc. of him.

I've called him last 3 times to maybe get together for lunch, etc. and he's been out of town or golfing. Last time I talked to him was 7/3 and told him I had day off and maybe we could do something. He said he was golfing (but it was pouring rain outside) later and he'd call if he didn't play. Well, I felt like it was an excuse. I was in neighborhood later in afternoon to visit friend and stopped by his place. Place was trashed and dishes hadn't been washed in a week and underwear (dirty) all over the place and he was just lying in bed, almost enjoying his isolation.

We chatted for 2 hrs. and I commented I didn't like his newly bleached hair (he's 34 years old!). That's when he said he's been lucky with it and has gotten couple girls with. For sake of conversation, I asked couple questions about them and he said he preferred older one cuz the sex is better. He said I was noisey, I said no, I'm just curious. I didn't know if he was being brutal cuz I offened his ego about hair remark. Mind you, he never got out of bed, except to go to the bathroom. I left and said that I didn't want to rain on your parade and call me. He just nodded.

Why do you think he's doing this? Do you think he obviously has some new distractions and therefore I'm on the backburner?

Leave him be? Or, do you think he'll call?

Any insight would be great!!!

Promise a rating.

Thanks.

tink1972 gave this response on 7/13/2000:

In the beginning of your question you stated that he was divorced and you were about to get divorced, so you thought that you and him would be a good pair because neither one of you were looking for a commitment.

That's what is wrong with him, he's acting like a man without a commitment! Neither of you asked for the relationship to be monogamus?? so the only thing that is wrong is that you have overstepped the initial boundaries.

Yes, it seems that you want more whether you realize it or not. He is simply having fun (his way) since he is now free from a commitment. And, it doesn't look like he looking to settle down anytime soon....

Leave all the pressure and just be what you wanted in the beginning!

Anonymous asked this follow-up question on 7/13/2000:

I agree somewhat with your response.

What should be the next course of action:

Should I call him?

Or wait for him to call?

Or does it not matter?

tink1972 gave this response on 7/13/2000:

Your next course of action should be to let him pursue you (call or whatever is what I mean). If he doesn't call right away or as much as you want him to please remember that Friends don't have to call 24/7 but its sure nice when they do!

You're just being sensitive because like I said before whether you know it or not, I believe that deep down inside you, myabe way deep, you want something more than a friendship, and mybe he senses that too and just don't want to get to involved so he won't hurt you-so he's giving distance between you two.

However, I strongly agree with you, be honest and no bullcrap.

But, think about this seriously, how can he be dishing bullcrap to you if he only considers you as a buddy? He may assume that he is doing nothing wrong.

Anonymous asked this follow-up question on 7/13/2000:

Dear Tink:

Maybe I (maybe more like my feelings) did overstep the boundary...none has been set though. Other than in so many words, he said he's not looking for a committed relationship, meaning he won't get married again. He knows my situation.

Nonetheless, when we're out together or if I'm at his place, is it still right to mention other women as he as to my face, especially in the manner he did? He could have said he was simply dating others, if he felt like he needed to.

Also, friend or more, lieing and saying you're doing something and you're caught in a lie, isn't too good.

Any thoughts/comments? Thanks!

Maybe he's just classless? Or, am I clueless?

tink1972 gave this response on 7/13/2000:

YEs, he could have stated it differently about the other women and yes, friend or no friend lying is wrong. You are right! But, I have had male buddies that I talk to about other men in which I talk like I'm talking to one of my girlfriends.

Maybe, the real issue is that for your sake, things need to be put on the table to clarify all the assumptions and misunderstandings!

Neither of you are classless or clueless, you just need to TALK-COMMUNICATE!

Best wishes.

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