Anonymous asked this question on 7/13/2000:

Dear Experts:

I've been casually seeing this guy 6+ months who's divorced (one year, he filed) and I'm in process of. Neither one of us is looking for a commitment, and I thought we'd make good pair cuz he wouldn't get attached.

When we first met, he said "Girls call me" (what's up with this?). My friend gave his my card and asked if he would like to take me to lunch (we had seen each other couple different times and we both seemed to dig each other). I didn't call him, but he calld 2 wks later.

Anyway, we've seen each other 1-2/month and talked on phone about every 10 says or so. HE used to initiate calls and dates in beginning, just recently I've been calling him, within last month or so.

Almost everytime we got together, he'd make "women" remarks, like new gorgeous neighbors moving in, the best "rack" he ever saw when he went to New Orleans, etc. etc. I would just let them roll off my back or answer like one of the guys. Why does he do this? I've always been light, fun when we go out and haven't been getting possessive, etc. of him.

I've called him last 3 times to maybe get together for lunch, etc. and he's been out of town or golfing. Last time I talked to him was 7/3 and told him I had day off and maybe we could do something. He said he was golfing (but it was pouring rain outside) later and he'd call if he didn't play. Well, I felt like it was an excuse. I was in neighborhood later in afternoon to visit friend and stopped by his place. Place was trashed and dishes hadn't been washed in a week and underwear (dirty) all over the place and he was just lying in bed, almost enjoying his isolation.

We chatted for 2 hrs. and I commented I didn't like his newly bleached hair (he's 34 years old!). That's when he said he's been lucky with it and has gotten couple girls with. For sake of conversation, I asked couple questions about them and he said he preferred older one cuz the sex is better. He said I was noisey, I said no, I'm just curious. I didn't know if he was being brutal cuz I offened his ego about hair remark. Mind you, he never got out of bed, except to go to the bathroom. I left and said that I didn't want to rain on your parade and call me. He just nodded.

Why do you think he's doing this? Do you think he obviously has some new distractions and therefore I'm on the backburner?

Leave him be? Or, do you think he'll call?

Any insight would be great!!!

Promise a rating.

Thanks.

SeekTrueLove gave this response on 7/13/2000:

Dear Anonymous,

Sounds like this guy is in the depth of poor self esteem. He's obviously still hurting and healing from the divorce, and is trying to make his life more palatable filling it up with meaningless sex and even more meaningless women. The fact that he is referring to women's body parts ("racks") so openly to another woman (you) shows that at this time he has no respectful feelings for women in general.

He is jerking you around right now because you're willing to take it. If you are really not interested in him romantically, then you can be a friend to him and help him get through this troublesome time. Or if you have some romantic inclinations to him (which I think you do), then I think you should back off and give him his space and time to get his life back in order. He is in no position right now to be in any semi-serious or serious relationship. He feels that he needs these cheap thrills right now to make his life seem better than it is. I wouldn't want to be part of that.

Get out of this situation and meet some men who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. With respect, kindness, compassion, and honesty.

Good luck.

Anonymous asked this follow-up question on 7/13/2000:

Alex, thanks for the reply. It was very helpful.

I know he's been a dog lately; he wasn't that blatant up-front; otherwise, I wouldn't have gone out with him, even on a lunch date.

You're right. I am starting to dig him. I think somewhere inside that dirty, mangy mutt is a pretty poodle. But, he needs to discover that for himself, huh?

So, should I not call him. Wait until when and if he calls me?

Also, what the heck is he saying/meaning, when he says, "Girls call me?" That's new to me! Is this a control thing?

Thanks again!

SeekTrueLove gave this response on 7/13/2000:

Dear Anonymous,

For whatever reason he is being a dog right now, and for that reason I would suggest backing off a bit. Given your new found feelings for him, he might have sensed it and is trying to distance himself from you in order not to get hurt. Remember, being in a completely unemotional and meaningless relationship is not risky. He doesn't seem ready to take on any risk.

As far as you digging him right now, I'd be careful about thinking that he will change right away from a mutt to a poodle. He may never change, and that's what many women fall prey too. They believe that with their love and caring that their men will change for the better. If HE wants to change for the better, than it is up to HIM, not you. So just be aware of that. It could take some time.

So I think you should wait for him to call you. If he truly likes you, then he will call in time.

As far as the "Girls call me" remark, it is a way of boosting his own ego. He wants to think of himself as "The Man" whom all the girls want and would do anything for. It's not so much of a control thing, but it is playing games. His ego needs to think that he's all that, because right now, deep down, he's hurting big time!

Be patient and see where it leads. I know it will be difficult, but hey, anything worthwhile can be very difficult and time consuming.

Good luck, my friend. Remember, YOU also deserve to have love, honour, and respect from your romantic partner. Do not settle for anything less. Promise yourself that you will not cheat yourself of what you truly deserve.

Regards,

Alex

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