Anonymous asked this question on 7/11/2000:
I am 34, divorced with a 10 yr old daughter. My boyfriend is 37, never been married and has no children. He lives with his older brother and his brothers 18 yr old daughter. His brother owns the house. We've been dating for a little over two years and we really get along. We love each other and have agreed that we would never cheat on each other. The problem is that he says he will never live with me. He has told me that he never wants to get married and I can accept that, but he refuses to live with me. I understand his hesitation because he has lived with a girl before and the situation was not very good. He enjoys his freedom. At 2 years, I am the longest relationship he has ever had. I don't want to pressure him into anything, but I don't get along with the brother he lives with and the house is always a dirty mess. He knows that if it was my house that was dirty, he wouldn't spend time with me at my house, but sees no problem with me going to visit him at his dirty house. I love him very much and can see spending my life with him, but not by spending weekends with him in this dirty house. How can I get him to understand that I'm not going to turn into the wicked witch and demand him home all the time if we did live together. I need my space too. I would just enjoy coming home at the end of the day to the guy I love. What should I do, or how can I show him or tell him that I'm not going to crowd his space? I love him and I don't want to lose him, but I can't go on much longer with this current situation of only seeing him on weekends at his dirty house. By the way, he is not the dirty one. It's his brother that is a filthy slob.
sex_guru gave this response on 7/12/2000:
Well.....you need to tell him straight out how you feel and that you can't be expected to continue this type of relationship forever. Reinforce to him that you love him and don't want to pressure him but that it's been 2 years now and something has to change. If he wants to stay at his brother's filthy place, that's fine but you will not continue to g othere because you find it disgusting. He will need to put more effort into the relationship and give you some idea whether it will progress or not. If he continues to say that he will NEVER live with you , then the choice is yours.....take it and be quiet or leave.
Anonymous asked this follow-up question on 7/12/2000:
Thanks for your answer. You really hit home. It is what I've been thinking all along, I just have to get up the courage to not go over there. You see, he has a seasonal business and his summer if very stressful and busy every day of the week including weekends. I have helped him with his business by working on weekends with him since it seems to be the only way I can spend time with him. I have tried to talk to him but he is so stressed out he can't deal with the problem right now. He promises to discuss it after the season is over. Yes, I'm willing to wait because I know he will give me the time to talk. It's going to be hard for the next few months to not be crabby. He knows how I feel and why. I feel like I'm in a catch 22 situation. If I'm miserable he won't want to live with me, but it's because he doesn't want to live with me that makes me miserable. Can you give me a clue as to how I should act toward him until we can discuss this? Like I said, I don't want to lose him. Should I act like nothing is going on and be happy as usual, or cool things off a little bit.
sex_guru gave this response on 7/12/2000:
Tell him that you will deal with the situation until the season is over...and be true to your word....but that it REALLY bothers you and just as soon as he has time, you NEED to talk to him about it before it drives you crazy and makes you run away.
Then, chill out for the summer.
But, when fall gets here.......BANG!!!! and don't let him off the hook until he gives you an answer one way or the other.
Anonymous asked this follow-up question on 7/12/2000:
Thank you so much; I feel much better now. I think you have given me great advise! Thank you again!
sex_guru gave this response on 7/13/2000:
Good luck with everything. I hope you get what you want out of this.
Take care.