Shy David's 10 predictions for the end of 1996

Here are my "psychic predictions" for the second half of this year, 1996.

#1) The President, Ms. Clinton and L. R. Hubbard will be named as "Unindicted co-conspirators" in the Whitewater land fraud case. Hubbard will claim immunity from prosecution on the grounds that he is dead. So will the Clintons.

#2) Sally Field will make a come-back movie as The Flying Nun. The plot will include her getting struck by a jumbo jet and being saved by a flying saucer piloted by Jesus. Shirley McClain will produce the movie.

#3) Uri Geller will promote a line of jewelry, each piece of which he will claim has been "charged" by his super "psychic powers." For a mere US$954.00, you, too, can have your wrist turn green with Uri's special "gold" bracelets.

#4) Orenthal James Simpson will get on national T.V. and wail about how badly he has been abused and victimized by women all through his life, and in a fit of tears whimper "th' ho' bitch had in commin'."

#5) Charlton Heston will finally snap completely and declare that yes, indeed, he really =IS= both God, Moses, and the Omega Man. G. Ted Armstrong will believe him. So will Henry Morris.

#6) Nutrasweet(tm) will be found to cause memory loss and penile shrinkage. Pepsico and the Coca-cola Company will be sued out of business by sexually frustrated, girlfriendless men who can't remember why they are suing.

#7) James Randi will be hit by the asteroid that was reciently named after him. Just before impact, Randi will be overheard muttering in astonishment "I don't believe this is happening." Uri Geller will take credit for psychically changing the asteroids orbit.

#8) Jean Dixon will later claim she psychically saw the Randi-to-Randi collision.

#9) The Mars Explorer will mysteriously reapear on JPL's and NASA's telemetry, and it will just as mysteriously be sending back to Earth the message, over and over again: "Open the pod bay doors, HAL."

#10) Ralph Reed will anounce that he and Marion Gordon "Pat" Robertson are lovers. This will be the final straw that causes President Clinton to sign the bill that outlaws "same-sex marriages." Ralph and "Pat" move to San Francisco, take up co-habitation, and Ralph will change his name to "Ralph Robertson."

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