ABUSE AND DEPRESSION

Subject: ABUSE AND DEPRESSION
Answered By: carlita1
Asked By: Anonymous

Anonymous asked this question on 5/5/2000:

I HAVE BEEN REALLY DEPRESSED FOR THE LAST WEEK. LAST FRIDAY MY HUSBAND BEAT ME UP, I HAD HIM ARRESTED AND MADE THEM KEEP HIM IN JAIL ALL WEEK END. THREE HOURS LATER CPS CAME AND REMOVED MY CHILDREN BECAUSE THEY SAY MY HOUSE WAS TO DIRTY. MY HUSBAND IS IN ANOTHER STATE RIGHT NOW AND HE HAS TO COME FOR HIS PUNISHMENT: HE IS FACING SIX MONTHS IN JAIL RIGHT NOW. HE IS GOING TO BE GOING TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE COUNSELING BECAUSE HE IS COURT ORDERED FROM THE JUVENILE COURT BUT ALSO BECAUSE HE WANTS TO FIND OUT WHY AND CHANGE THAT BEHAVIOR. HE REALLY WANTS HIS FAMILY BACK. WE WILL BE SEPERATED FOR AWHILE BUT WE DO PLAN ON GETTING BACK TOGETHER. MY DEPRESSION COMES FROM TWO THINGS. ONE MY HUSBAND ASSUALTING ME WHERE HE GAVE ME A BLACK EYE AND SWOLLEN JAWS. THE SECOND IS THE MATTER OF MY CHILDREN. I FEEL THAT NOT ONLY DID HE ABUSE ME BUT SO HAS THE STATE. ON MONDAY I HAVE TO GO TO MEDIATION WHERE I WILL ADMIT TO THINGS THAT ARE NOT TRUE JUST SO I CAN GET MY KIDS BACK SOON. I WAS SUICIDAL BUT I AM DOING BETTER NOW. I STILL GET REALLY DEPRESSED WHEN THE NIGHT TIME HITS. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR ME. NOT ONE PERSON EXCEPT MY HUSBAND ASKED ME HOW I AM HOLDING UP SINCE THIS ENTIRE THING STARTED. MY CHILDREN ARE IN A TEMP. SHELTER RIGHT NOW AND MY 13 YEAR OLD SAYS EVERY DAY SHE WANTS TO GO HOME. SHE EVEN HAD HER FRIEND CALL ME AND TELL ME THAT SHE IS SORRY AND SHE WANTS TO COME HOME. I ALSO HAVE A 3 YEAR OLD AND 14 MONTH OLD. I HAVE TOLD THESE PEOPLE THAT THEY ARE SERIOUSLY HARMING MY 13 YEAR OLD CHILD THE MOST BUT THEY SEEM NOT TO CARE. I WENT TO THE MALL TO WATCH HER PERFORM IN HER CONCERT AND ONE OF THE WORKERS MADE A STATEMENT SAYING YOU HAVE SUPERVISED VISITS AND I TOLD HER IT WAS NOT A VISIT IT WAS A CONCERT AND I TOLD TWO WORKERS AND NEITHER ONE SAID I COULD NOT GO. SO I WENT!! I ALSO BOUGHT HER LUNCH -:) MY HOUSE WAD DIRTY AND IM NOT A THREAT TO MY THREE CHILDREN SO I AM SO UPSET AND DEPRESSED. I WILL NOT SEE MY CHILDREN ON MOTHERS DAY. I WILL BE HERE ALONE. THAT WILL CAUSE SIGNIFICANT DEPRESSION. I NEED HELP AND NOBODY IN THIS SCREWED UP STATE SEEMS TO GIVE A DAMD ABOUT ME AND WHAT IM GOING THROUGH. I WOULD JUST LIKE TO HERE FROM SOME OF THE EXPERTS AS TO WHY A STATE SHOULD HAVE SO MUCH POWER WITH SOMEONES CHILDREN AND WHY IM STILL LIVING. I THINK MY HUSBAND TALKING TO ME AND MY CHILDREN HAVE BEEN THE ONLY REASON WHY IM STILL ALIVE TO ASK THESE QUESTIONS.

carlita1 gave this response on 5/12/2000:

I've read some of your responses to the other answers and I think you're amazing for dealing with all of this. Staying in the fight is the hardest thing of all, so remember that you are very strong and you can do anything you put your mind to.

It's clear that you want to get your children back. The state is concerned about the home situation, and I suspect that the cleanliness issue was just an excuse to get the kids out of the violent atmosphere, since they know that most women take their abusers back. To get your kids back, and to help them recover from this ordeal, you need to make sure that you DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND COME BACK. Cut off ALL contact, from yourself and the kids. Do not let him get custody, or even visitation, without extensive counseling. When they see you being abused, whether or not they are abused, they blame you or themselves, begin to think violence is normal and acceptable, and have extreme difficulty in every day life. They will also have problems in their adult lives. These can include nightmares, panic disorders, entering violent relationships or becoming an abuser, depression, suicide attempts, drug and alcohol abuse, difficulty with normal relationships, sexual violence or dysfunction, the list is endless. I know, I have been there and have spent ten years recovering from my childhood.

You need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your kids. I know that you are starting to do this now, and I would like to help you in any way I can. It's so clear to me that you love your children. Unfortunately, that means you have to choose between your kids and your husband. If you take him back, you will lose them, one way or another. Ask your lawyer about getting a restraining order, and be serious about it. It's just a piece of paper, but the court will take that into account. You are a good woman and a good mother. Keep fighting, the road is long and hard, but the reward is finding a relationship with yourself and your children again. I wish you all the best in your journey and please keep my posted.