Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:

What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?

CAVEWOMAN gave this response on 5/11/2000:

hi, sorry to hear about the abuse. i am shocked to see so many people answered your question, i hope you will rate mine.

yes counseling works, yes therapy works, yes abusive behavior is a learned behavior. there is no excuse.

it seemed like in your story that he "thinks" you are an incapable woman. why does he think that?

sending him off to therapy for a year isn't going to help you and him now. may i suggest you both go together??? each one of you supporting eachother. love is special and if there is a chance to save something, i would wish for you to try.

i did not like being pushed, slapped, hit or anything else and i personally choose to leave. i left because the other person in my life would not go into therapy. i knew very clearly i did not deserve this. i had hoped he would of gone, but he was just too controlling to be led to a place like that.

suggestions are to get into a conversation without any heat ok, then knowing you have intimacy in this relationship, speak of counseling for the both of you, that it hurts you more emotionally then anything to deal with his anger and his controlling ways and that a therapist can intervene and create ways to help him manage his anger.

i wish you both luck, much respects, debbie

The average rating for this answer is 1.