Anonymous asked this question on 5/5/2000:
I HAVE BEEN REALLY DEPRESSED FOR THE LAST WEEK. LAST FRIDAY MY HUSBAND BEAT ME UP, I HAD HIM ARRESTED AND MADE THEM KEEP HIM IN JAIL ALL WEEK END. THREE HOURS LATER CPS CAME AND REMOVED MY CHILDREN BECAUSE THEY SAY MY HOUSE WAS TO DIRTY. MY HUSBAND IS IN ANOTHER STATE RIGHT NOW AND HE HAS TO COME FOR HIS PUNISHMENT: HE IS FACING SIX MONTHS IN JAIL RIGHT NOW. HE IS GOING TO BE GOING TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE COUNSELING BECAUSE HE IS COURT ORDERED FROM THE JUVENILE COURT BUT ALSO BECAUSE HE WANTS TO FIND OUT WHY AND CHANGE THAT BEHAVIOR. HE REALLY WANTS HIS FAMILY BACK. WE WILL BE SEPERATED FOR AWHILE BUT WE DO PLAN ON GETTING BACK TOGETHER. MY DEPRESSION COMES FROM TWO THINGS. ONE MY HUSBAND ASSUALTING ME WHERE HE GAVE ME A BLACK EYE AND SWOLLEN JAWS. THE SECOND IS THE MATTER OF MY CHILDREN. I FEEL THAT NOT ONLY DID HE ABUSE ME BUT SO HAS THE STATE. ON MONDAY I HAVE TO GO TO MEDIATION WHERE I WILL ADMIT TO THINGS THAT ARE NOT TRUE JUST SO I CAN GET MY KIDS BACK SOON. I WAS SUICIDAL BUT I AM DOING BETTER NOW. I STILL GET REALLY DEPRESSED WHEN THE NIGHT TIME HITS. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR ME. NOT ONE PERSON EXCEPT MY HUSBAND ASKED ME HOW I AM HOLDING UP SINCE THIS ENTIRE THING STARTED. MY CHILDREN ARE IN A TEMP. SHELTER RIGHT NOW AND MY 13 YEAR OLD SAYS EVERY DAY SHE WANTS TO GO HOME. SHE EVEN HAD HER FRIEND CALL ME AND TELL ME THAT SHE IS SORRY AND SHE WANTS TO COME HOME. I ALSO HAVE A 3 YEAR OLD AND 14 MONTH OLD. I HAVE TOLD THESE PEOPLE THAT THEY ARE SERIOUSLY HARMING MY 13 YEAR OLD CHILD THE MOST BUT THEY SEEM NOT TO CARE. I WENT TO THE MALL TO WATCH HER PERFORM IN HER CONCERT AND ONE OF THE WORKERS MADE A STATEMENT SAYING YOU HAVE SUPERVISED VISITS AND I TOLD HER IT WAS NOT A VISIT IT WAS A CONCERT AND I TOLD TWO WORKERS AND NEITHER ONE SAID I COULD NOT GO. SO I WENT!! I ALSO BOUGHT HER LUNCH -:) MY HOUSE WAD DIRTY AND IM NOT A THREAT TO MY THREE CHILDREN SO I AM SO UPSET AND DEPRESSED. I WILL NOT SEE MY CHILDREN ON MOTHERS DAY. I WILL BE HERE ALONE. THAT WILL CAUSE SIGNIFICANT DEPRESSION. I NEED HELP AND NOBODY IN THIS SCREWED UP STATE SEEMS TO GIVE A DAMD ABOUT ME AND WHAT IM GOING THROUGH. I WOULD JUST LIKE TO HERE FROM SOME OF THE EXPERTS AS TO WHY A STATE SHOULD HAVE SO MUCH POWER WITH SOMEONES CHILDREN AND WHY IM STILL LIVING. I THINK MY HUSBAND TALKING TO ME AND MY CHILDREN HAVE BEEN THE ONLY REASON WHY IM STILL ALIVE TO ASK THESE QUESTIONS.
CAVEWOMAN gave this response on 5/7/2000:
i am so sorry to hear what has happened to you and your family. physical abuse as you can see is also emotional abuse. not just to you but to your children as well. it trickles down to even the littlest child. the saddest part is this is a "learned behavior" and your husband and your children are learning that when they really want something to go "their way" you hit. it almost takes a magician to make your family all put back together like you would like. it isn't an easy road and there will be bumps. but i see some hope.
i have been in your shoes for 12 years and i am really good and making things better to continue on. but i learned something even better. i need to continue on and i needed to be happy. everyone around me can collapse but i need to be strong enough to get through things. you can not fix other people. you can fix yourself though.
here is a big list of steps of suggestions.
#1 you must explain to your children that nothing is their fault. that what happened is the "reaction" of their fathers behavior problems. he is going to work on that. but all the children must never, not for an instance feel they did anything wrong. easy to say hard to do. but talk to each child face to face and explain it. let them know you are working with the social services dept. to get you back as fast as you can.
#2 you. you need to try very hard to seek professional couseling for your own self! you are better then what you are allowing to happen around you and you can not be responsible for other's actions. there are no excuses for abuse. period. the sooner you learn to never once make an excuse for your husband. the sooner you will realize that you yourself are an individual and that you yourself deserve to be treated with respect from all those around you. you can not change the world in one day.
but you can find some peace inside you where the stress is not soooo much!
know what i use to do to get away. take a bubble bath. yeah, treat myself. light the candles, put on some easy listening music, lit a cig if you smoke, have a glass of wine right by the tub, make a nice "hot" bubble bath and relax, treat yourself to some completely relaxing moments to yourself.
the world is not against you. remember you are reacting to some very bad behavior. it is normal.
#3 your husband. wow, so he will seek help. do you have any idea how rare that is? about one in a million that is how rare. i honestly hope he does go into a "anger management program" it isn't fixed then, but it is a step to closer loving family. then the family all together i know this may sound like a pain, but the whole family needs to get together into family couseling. so a professionaly trained therapist can help the adults in this family see any damage that was caused and to try and ease the trauma that has happened.
i surely hope you find peace with yourself. a hot bath actually hits the senses in your body and lowers the blood pressure, the blood flow is slower and the relaxing mood is great. i think you should also give that little tip to your daughter otherwise she will have trouble finding an outlet to release her anger and depression to that she feels.
my heart goes out to your whole family. my god bless each one of you. please be patient, a family is the core of everything. i hope your face is getting better, that really must of hurt. i've been there. i've been to the hospital with police taking pictures of me too holding my child. it's awful. but a therapist is really needed. nothing is a joke here ok.
please i beg you, go jump in that bubble bath and spend 30 minutes on just you.
god bless, debbie
Anonymous asked this follow-up question on 5/8/2000:
Debbie, thank you very much for your response. It helped me a lot. I actually have the following things to do tommorrow: 9:00 a.m. mediation to settle the petition so I can get my children back, 12:30 orientation at the domestic violence shelter so I can go to their support groups, 2:30 my kids go to the doctor for a "check - up" In other words to make sure I have not neglected them phsically and to make sure they actually go to the doctor on a regular basis. My husband offers no excuse as to hitting me but he wants to stay married and have his family back. He already relizes that the abuse his mother inflicted on him the first thirteen years of his life and his step - father physically abusing his mother has played a major role in his abusive pattern. The cycle continued as her put it and he said that the children will never be subjected to this agian because we will divorce before that happens. He said his entire family is against us putting our family back together but he still wants to work it out. Now to me that shows me he loves me. The night his mother found out he was in jail for hitting me she says im going to go there and I don`t care who gets made, you know Tre Von is none of melvins( my son) I said I DO? I said it three times and his sister was on the other line. I told his mother who by the way was drunk at the time( hardly ever sober) that I was going to make her son submit to a DNA test and while he waits for the results he can`t see our son and after it comes back he cannot see him. Melvin said she loves him and I said well she should have NEVER said anything about MY son then huh? Our daughter look exactly like her father so she didn`t say anything about her. Our son is light and he does not really have the black features like our daughter does. Im sorry this is so long I just really needed to talk about everything that is bothering me. I talk to my husband on the phone every day and he actually pulled me out of my SEVERE depression. I truely believe if it were not for him I would be dead right now and thats not a good thing at all. I love my kids more than I thought I could ever love anybody. It took this second time to wake me up. I need my kids and no one else not even my husband!! I need my self - esteem back and I need to find out why I attract these type of men so I do not do it again. I am 34 and I already have wrinkles on my face. I am hoping they will fade a little once I am on the road to recovery. Thanks for the ear I needed to talk about this.
CAVEWOMAN gave this response on 5/8/2000:
thanks for answering back. i was worried for you. to get yourself out of the depression mood you need to force yourself to spend time doing something foryourself. once you become a better mom, the kids can see it and even the husband can see it.
it is sad all the way around with you what has happened.
there is answers to why you choose the men you do. it just takes some poking around in your head by a professional and they can see how things relate to your very own relationship with your father.
remember you are anonymous so am i, anything you tell me will be kept strictly confidential and will not be shared with anyone.
i have been through what you have been through and to fix more than you can think it really starts with your self esteem and how you feel about yourself and what "you" will allow and "not allow".
i really hope and pray for your family and i see very clearly there is some serious love between all of you all.
hey, p.s. your letter wasn't long either. so don't worry about spilling out your guts to me ever!
finally, did you ever get into that tub with bubbles and just relax!! and unwind!!???
i hope so. i must of taken a 1,000 bubble baths it works for me. time alone it is healing.
good bye, debbie
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