AprilBreezes asked this question on 5/7/2000:
Hopefully you have read my first question so I wont have to go into that again. I just wanted to address what most of you suggested for me to do. Have any of you stayed at a shelter? Most kick you out after a couple weeks. How do you get your life started over in a couple weeks? The conditions are unbareable. Also as far going to the law for help, his dad is the police chief of our tiny town. Have you heard of the good ole boys? Thats what I live with. I know I have to get away from this man, but how?
April
ROSETTA900 gave this response on 5/8/2000:
Dear April:
Hello again, I wanted to touch base with you on a few things. Just to let you know YES i know what its like to live in the good ole boys town as you call it. I live through that and I will tell you this much. "UNTIL I REMOVED MYSELF AS THEIR TARGET IT DIDNT STOP. I MADE A CHOICE FOR MYSELF" I knew that if I remained there in that good ole boys town, they that gave them the free zone to keep on abusing and harrasing me.So, I called their bluff so to speak. I packed my car with what ever I could fit in there.And I left, It took me every bit of courage and several months to find my place in this world, but I did. Now i am happily married to a wonderful man, and life is GOOD!! I wouldnt trade it for anything.
Key PHRASE April: YOU CAN REMOVE YOURSELF AS THEIR TARGET!
ALSO, alot of people on this forum are giving you advice on what you should do with your abuser. Yes, I have to agree. He is abusing you and you should seek help to get out of the relationship if he will not change. And remember one important thing April. You cannot change his behavior, as much as you would like to try. He must be the one to change.
On another note I would like to talk to you about your, Sexual addiction: is very hard to define. There is a thin line between the normal and the abnormal. For example, thinking about sex a lot, say many times every day, is not ordinarily considered an addiction (maybe an obsession) but spending several hours a week looking at pictures of nudes may well be an addiction. Is the average young male who masturbates 3 or 4 times a week addicted? Probably not; if he had an alternative, the masturbation would stop. If a loving couple have good sex twice a day, morning and night, is that an addiction?
Probably not, but if that is their only way of being reassured that they are sexy and/or loved and then one decides he/she doesn't want it so often but the other can't stop, then he or she is addicted. If someone masturbates twice a day, is that an addiction? Maybe not, but if that is their only way of imagining or gaining intimacy with another human being, then they might be considered addicted. Addiction is not just a matter of frequency or amount. Addiction, in addition to frequency or amount, is an inability to stop a behavior even though it is doing harm--physical risk or harm to your body, legal difficulties, or emotional harm to the addict, to others, or to his/her relationships with others. The behavior is so needed the addict can't quit.
April, There are several Web sites focusing on sexual addictions: I would like to give you this list that I have researched for you:
1.Sex Addicts Anonymous--http://sexaa.org/index.htm 2.Sexaholics Anonymous -- http://www.sa.org 3.Sexual Compulsives Anonymous -- http://www.sca-recovery.org 4.The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsion-- http://www.ncsac.org/html/main.html
I also recommend that you join a support group in your local area for victims of domestic violence. I will be happy to research that area for you and find you a listing in your area if this is something you would like. You can also call the Coalition of Domestic Violence in your state for a listing as well.
Also you may also find many online support groups as well to help. All the better I beleive. I have a long listing of many support groups online. If you wish for that listing just Email me at Rosetta900@aol.com and I will get that list to you.
April, Many people have suggested to leave your abuser right off. Remember April, that is something only you can decide. For you are the one that must walk the steps in your shoes. I will not lie to you. Leaving is a hard step and you must be ready to do that, not for anyone but yourself.
I realize that you are scared and confussed. That is normal, remember not to let others tell you what to do. Make a list of the pros and cons of your relationship with your boyfriend and decide for yourself what is best. But also remember to put saftey on that list.
April, Have you talked to your boyfriend about seeking help for his abusive problem. Perhaps here communication may be vital. I do not live in your home and I do not see the relationship that you have with him. If you and he want to work this out, that too should be an option. But that will take professional treatment and help from what I can see from what you wrote. There are many good counseling programs available for BOTH of you as well if that is an option. Your state/local domestic violence program should be able to resource you to that area as well.
April, Please feel free to E-mail me back any time either on this forum or my private email address at ROSETTA900@aol.com.
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