ABUSE AND DEPRESSION

Subject: ABUSE AND DEPRESSION
Answered By: Patti_Ja
Asked By: Anonymous

Anonymous asked this question on 5/5/2000:

I HAVE BEEN REALLY DEPRESSED FOR THE LAST WEEK. LAST FRIDAY MY HUSBAND BEAT ME UP, I HAD HIM ARRESTED AND MADE THEM KEEP HIM IN JAIL ALL WEEK END. THREE HOURS LATER CPS CAME AND REMOVED MY CHILDREN BECAUSE THEY SAY MY HOUSE WAS TO DIRTY. MY HUSBAND IS IN ANOTHER STATE RIGHT NOW AND HE HAS TO COME FOR HIS PUNISHMENT: HE IS FACING SIX MONTHS IN JAIL RIGHT NOW. HE IS GOING TO BE GOING TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE COUNSELING BECAUSE HE IS COURT ORDERED FROM THE JUVENILE COURT BUT ALSO BECAUSE HE WANTS TO FIND OUT WHY AND CHANGE THAT BEHAVIOR. HE REALLY WANTS HIS FAMILY BACK. WE WILL BE SEPERATED FOR AWHILE BUT WE DO PLAN ON GETTING BACK TOGETHER. MY DEPRESSION COMES FROM TWO THINGS. ONE MY HUSBAND ASSUALTING ME WHERE HE GAVE ME A BLACK EYE AND SWOLLEN JAWS. THE SECOND IS THE MATTER OF MY CHILDREN. I FEEL THAT NOT ONLY DID HE ABUSE ME BUT SO HAS THE STATE. ON MONDAY I HAVE TO GO TO MEDIATION WHERE I WILL ADMIT TO THINGS THAT ARE NOT TRUE JUST SO I CAN GET MY KIDS BACK SOON. I WAS SUICIDAL BUT I AM DOING BETTER NOW. I STILL GET REALLY DEPRESSED WHEN THE NIGHT TIME HITS. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR ME. NOT ONE PERSON EXCEPT MY HUSBAND ASKED ME HOW I AM HOLDING UP SINCE THIS ENTIRE THING STARTED. MY CHILDREN ARE IN A TEMP. SHELTER RIGHT NOW AND MY 13 YEAR OLD SAYS EVERY DAY SHE WANTS TO GO HOME. SHE EVEN HAD HER FRIEND CALL ME AND TELL ME THAT SHE IS SORRY AND SHE WANTS TO COME HOME. I ALSO HAVE A 3 YEAR OLD AND 14 MONTH OLD. I HAVE TOLD THESE PEOPLE THAT THEY ARE SERIOUSLY HARMING MY 13 YEAR OLD CHILD THE MOST BUT THEY SEEM NOT TO CARE. I WENT TO THE MALL TO WATCH HER PERFORM IN HER CONCERT AND ONE OF THE WORKERS MADE A STATEMENT SAYING YOU HAVE SUPERVISED VISITS AND I TOLD HER IT WAS NOT A VISIT IT WAS A CONCERT AND I TOLD TWO WORKERS AND NEITHER ONE SAID I COULD NOT GO. SO I WENT!! I ALSO BOUGHT HER LUNCH -:) MY HOUSE WAD DIRTY AND IM NOT A THREAT TO MY THREE CHILDREN SO I AM SO UPSET AND DEPRESSED. I WILL NOT SEE MY CHILDREN ON MOTHERS DAY. I WILL BE HERE ALONE. THAT WILL CAUSE SIGNIFICANT DEPRESSION. I NEED HELP AND NOBODY IN THIS SCREWED UP STATE SEEMS TO GIVE A DAMD ABOUT ME AND WHAT IM GOING THROUGH. I WOULD JUST LIKE TO HERE FROM SOME OF THE EXPERTS AS TO WHY A STATE SHOULD HAVE SO MUCH POWER WITH SOMEONES CHILDREN AND WHY IM STILL LIVING. I THINK MY HUSBAND TALKING TO ME AND MY CHILDREN HAVE BEEN THE ONLY REASON WHY IM STILL ALIVE TO ASK THESE QUESTIONS.

Patti_Ja gave this response on 5/6/2000:

Hi...First...Take a deep breath...all the way to your toes...Breath in...When people are depressed or tense they forget to breath alot and that has the effect of greater tension and actually greater depression due to the depletion of oxygen...no joke...Now that you are breathing again...listen to me please...You have to be ready to listen to me or you will not hear what I am going to say to you...and the last thing you need is not to hear what I am going to say to you...I worked for the office that removed your children...Not the actual office, not in your state...but I know what the rules for such a removal are and so here goes...Your house was not just messy...it was dirty...if it was not there is room for a law suite...and there was something else going on...domestic violence is not a reason to remove children if the non-offending spouse will protect the best interests of the children...so what I assume is that the children were removed due to extreme neglect based on the condition of your mental and physical condition...I do not care whether your spouse gets help...that is not my concern here...as a Social Worker in Children's Protective Services I am going to tell you that these Social Workers are acting in the best interest of your children...If you have supervised visits then I suggest that you ask your case worker to join you at the next concert...or ask that a contracted para-professional join you...if you are turned down by either and you still go then you have kept one step ahead of the system...If you can see this as a time to put yourself back together...do not see this as a time of punishment and instead of fighting the system in a power struggle try to see what changes the system says that you need to iniate and make them...Those social workers want to make sure that the male who is pounding on you does not pound on those kids before he "understands" why he is doing it...and they want to make sure that one of those kids do not walk in on your beaten body or corpse (coz you just could not take it any more)...You need all kinds of help so this is what I would suggest going into the meeting...1. You are pretty powerless and you need to make changes in your life and these people will help you do that if you let them. 2. They have educational and counseling opportunity's that will help you build a better life 3. Take that anger and that hurt and that intelligence that it took to survive all this and make your own future and teach your kids how to do it too...You are their best teacher...what are they learning from you today

Anonymous asked this follow-up question on 5/6/2000:

Let me just say this: The state of Utah is not looking after the best interest of none of my children they want MONEY. I am far from stupid. I have been assualted by my husband and by the state of Utah. Eventhough he is All the way in CALIFORNIA I am here trying to protect my children from the state. My 13 year old daughter is in a severe crisis right now and the STATE has done NOTHING to help her. I did go to her concert and one worker said you have supervised visitation and i told het I told the CPS worker as well as her worker and neither one did not say I could not go!! I am going to Mediation on Monday where I have to admit to things that are not true to get my children back. Sinxce you have been or are a CPS worker tell me this: why does the state but blatent lies in these petition and perjure themselves in court and get away with it. You cannot tell they do not lie because I happen to know for a fact that they do because this is the second time these people have "kidnapped my children" it is because of my husband that all of this has transpired but ME and my THREE CHILDREN are the ones who are suffering. My two younger childrens foster care worker said" you don`t have to remind us they are your child all the time" my response I will make you hate me because I will tell you every five seconds if I want to. Until I get my kids back I will be on all of them like white on rice. My 13 year olds worker is very nice so I have not given him a hard time. He actually cares how I am doing which none of the other workers do. If I am not o.k. then my children will not be o.k. The state fails to relize that. My 14 month old has a dry scalp because they did not put the hair grease in her hair. She is biracial but she had the African American hair. I want to know from you if you think it is fair that I have to admit to things that are not true in order for my children to be returned to me? We are the victims and have also be victimized by the state of Utah and as my lawyer said the state sure is removing a lot of children for dirty house cases lateley aren`t they? What does that ell you about the state? My lawyer use to be a CPS worker and an Attorney General( lawyer for cps). I also feel that he was a little to upset because before he handed my lawyer my petition he handed her one where a man had killed his child 7 yuears earlier. Why was this man given any children after he was convicted of killing his own child 7 years earlier? I could see if I drank or did illegal drugs but neither are true, I AM A BATTERED WOMAN CUT AND DRY AND I SERIOUSLY WAS GOING TO TAKE MY LIFE BECAUSE OF ALL THIS BUT I AM DOING A LITTLE BETTER. Lastly I am willing to have services from DCFS because they were VERY helpful when they were taken last time. Last time the state but four huge lies in the petition: I had delisions of Granduir, bipolar, takings meds for seizures, and I was not giving my baby meds for her reflux. the state had to go into court and admit that she no longer had reflux!! all four of those were removed from the petition and these things were the basis for the state keeping the kids until I did a psych evaluation which they said to ju judge would take me at leat two months to get an appointment. My children were returned exactly 3 1/2 weeks after they took them on lies.Im sorry this is so long but I am really upset and I want to know why the state wants to punish me any further. I also do not care if my husband gets visitation either but he is a good father, I will give him that much. I really would like for you to respond because I think that GOD sent you here to help me right now in my time of crisis.

Patti_Ja gave this response on 5/6/2000:

Ok...Do you have a good attorney...if not do so...if you do tell him that he needs to speak to a good social worker...I am one...though not familiar with the laws of your state...anyway if you and your attorney believe that your rights have been violated...and from what I am reading they could have been...then you need to speak to the Civil Liberty Unit...The ACLU...if your children have been removed for any other reason than what the statutes say and you can prove in court that the social worker is lying...under oath...because her affidavit is used in court to remove the kids...then you have a damn good case against the state and you should pursue it with all good haste. Please do not fire off at me...I quite the Agency when I was not allowed to do good social work...I work for myself...and I can help your attorney fight this case...but if I did and in the course of events found out you were conning me...I would have you for lunch...I have been not exactly where you are but close enough for it to count and I do not put up with violations of anyone's civil rights...but I believe first and foremost in the best interest of the kids...that is truely my bottom line...

Anonymous asked this follow-up question on 5/8/2000:

Patti, to start off with if I did assualt you by my words I am sorry but you have no idea what state of mind the state has put me in. April 16,1999 the state came into my home and took my children. why? They CLAIMED I had delisions of Granduir, I was Bipolar, taking meds for a seizure disorder, and I was not giving my baby her meds for her reflux. On this basis the state was able to keep my children. When we went to mediation I was forced by my husband to admit to things on that petition that absolutely were not true just so I could get my kids back. The state remove the four things I just mentioned. I went in front of the judge and she said because my house was dirty that goes to MENTAL ILLNESS!!! I was forced to take a pscy evaluation where it showed exactly what I said I had, a panic disorder, depression(dysthimia) which means significant depress for two years or more, and POSSIBLE boarderline personality disorder. Then and only then my children were returned to me. I actually am going to contact the NAACP and the ACLU which I am a member of both. My younger two are half black/ half white. My eldest who is 13 is VERY upset. She is a GOOD girl but she has severe anomosity right now towards the state. I also am going to call the governors office and since he is up for reelection im sure he will do something( im going there) I mean my two younger kids worker staraight up said that she didn`t care if my husband ever seen his kids again which tells me she is biased. My husband like I said is in California but we are both going to counseling to find out why he is the way he is and why I have so many problems as well. I am sure you were a good worker. My 13 year old( Desirae) her worker is 100% cool with me. Its just that other worker that upsets me. I also found out that she is a recovering alcoholic AND she just divorced her ABUSIVE husband so I feel she should remove herself from the case. I really want to ask you this: why does dcfs remove children that do not need to be removed and leaved the children in homes that are physically abusive. Here where I live a woman broke almost every bone in her sons body but they left her little girl in the home. A year later Courtney Joe Flemel was dead by the hands of her mother. When I went to the shelter hearing the Attornet General handed my lawyer a petition on a man that had killed his son 7 years earlier. This is my point, the threat is gone, most of my depression is gone, and my children need me. Desirae is going to need some serios mental health counseling(13) I had made an appointment for me and the older two for DV conseling at mental health and that bich worker says "Tre von will ONLY go to a play group. My three year old son need therapy NOW not 5 years from now and thats how the state is so called helping my children. my baby has the black hair where she needs the hair grease but they let her hair dry out and now she has a VERY dry scalp and when I saw them on Wed. I had to use almost a half of jar of grease just to mosturize her scalp. They are the ones who are neglecting them. Also just to let you know I live in Utah!! Im sorry this is so long but I feel the need to explain somethings. My house was clean when we went to court and it stll is. Is it right for the state to say you can`t have your kids right now because you are a horrible mother because you are a battered wife. I am so angert that I cannot even begin to describe it.

Patti_Ja gave this response on 5/8/2000:

Some state workers are bad, some are good and up against a court system that is bad, funds are scarce, case loads are high, some good workers miss things, have an off day, burn out,are ill trained, inexperienced...are human and witnessing more degredation and hurt children on a daily basis than you will see in a lifetime and stay in one of the lowest paying jobs going on in social work...these are truely reasons and not excuses for children who fall through cracks as well as family's who get caught up in a system which does not work for everyone...I appologise for what has ocurred with your family...I wish you well...sue like hell

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