Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:

What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?

MrsHomme gave this response on 5/3/2000:

Go right now to your bookstore or library and read "When Love Goes Wrong" and "Getting Free." These are two books you must read ASAP. You are in a vicious cycle of abuse that you must escape. You deserve to be treated better (ALL THE TIME) than how you are treated now. Take a class, do something good for yourself, realize that you deserve to be treated well! In the meantime, read those books! Good luck, hon.

MrsHomme gave this follow-up answer on 5/7/2000:

You need to get out, but that is the obvious. First, you must empower yourself. Build a support system, do things to build your self esteem. As a former victim, I realize that it is very easy to say "Get the hell out of there!" Actually getting out is another story. As for what is going on in his head, who knows. Many batterers have a poor self image, feel inferior and lack education that provides them with tools necessary to resolve conflicts peacefully. Often the battered perceives his victim as an extension of himself, or his property and when she tries to think or act independent of him, he only knows physical violence to "put her back in her place." The books I mentioned provide invaluable information and begin you on a healing journey to help you get out - and stay out.

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