Anonymous asked this question on 5/5/2000:

I HAVE BEEN REALLY DEPRESSED FOR THE LAST WEEK. LAST FRIDAY MY HUSBAND BEAT ME UP, I HAD HIM ARRESTED AND MADE THEM KEEP HIM IN JAIL ALL WEEK END. THREE HOURS LATER CPS CAME AND REMOVED MY CHILDREN BECAUSE THEY SAY MY HOUSE WAS TO DIRTY. MY HUSBAND IS IN ANOTHER STATE RIGHT NOW AND HE HAS TO COME FOR HIS PUNISHMENT: HE IS FACING SIX MONTHS IN JAIL RIGHT NOW. HE IS GOING TO BE GOING TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE COUNSELING BECAUSE HE IS COURT ORDERED FROM THE JUVENILE COURT BUT ALSO BECAUSE HE WANTS TO FIND OUT WHY AND CHANGE THAT BEHAVIOR. HE REALLY WANTS HIS FAMILY BACK. WE WILL BE SEPERATED FOR AWHILE BUT WE DO PLAN ON GETTING BACK TOGETHER. MY DEPRESSION COMES FROM TWO THINGS. ONE MY HUSBAND ASSUALTING ME WHERE HE GAVE ME A BLACK EYE AND SWOLLEN JAWS. THE SECOND IS THE MATTER OF MY CHILDREN. I FEEL THAT NOT ONLY DID HE ABUSE ME BUT SO HAS THE STATE. ON MONDAY I HAVE TO GO TO MEDIATION WHERE I WILL ADMIT TO THINGS THAT ARE NOT TRUE JUST SO I CAN GET MY KIDS BACK SOON. I WAS SUICIDAL BUT I AM DOING BETTER NOW. I STILL GET REALLY DEPRESSED WHEN THE NIGHT TIME HITS. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR ME. NOT ONE PERSON EXCEPT MY HUSBAND ASKED ME HOW I AM HOLDING UP SINCE THIS ENTIRE THING STARTED. MY CHILDREN ARE IN A TEMP. SHELTER RIGHT NOW AND MY 13 YEAR OLD SAYS EVERY DAY SHE WANTS TO GO HOME. SHE EVEN HAD HER FRIEND CALL ME AND TELL ME THAT SHE IS SORRY AND SHE WANTS TO COME HOME. I ALSO HAVE A 3 YEAR OLD AND 14 MONTH OLD. I HAVE TOLD THESE PEOPLE THAT THEY ARE SERIOUSLY HARMING MY 13 YEAR OLD CHILD THE MOST BUT THEY SEEM NOT TO CARE. I WENT TO THE MALL TO WATCH HER PERFORM IN HER CONCERT AND ONE OF THE WORKERS MADE A STATEMENT SAYING YOU HAVE SUPERVISED VISITS AND I TOLD HER IT WAS NOT A VISIT IT WAS A CONCERT AND I TOLD TWO WORKERS AND NEITHER ONE SAID I COULD NOT GO. SO I WENT!! I ALSO BOUGHT HER LUNCH -:) MY HOUSE WAD DIRTY AND IM NOT A THREAT TO MY THREE CHILDREN SO I AM SO UPSET AND DEPRESSED. I WILL NOT SEE MY CHILDREN ON MOTHERS DAY. I WILL BE HERE ALONE. THAT WILL CAUSE SIGNIFICANT DEPRESSION. I NEED HELP AND NOBODY IN THIS SCREWED UP STATE SEEMS TO GIVE A DAMD ABOUT ME AND WHAT IM GOING THROUGH. I WOULD JUST LIKE TO HERE FROM SOME OF THE EXPERTS AS TO WHY A STATE SHOULD HAVE SO MUCH POWER WITH SOMEONES CHILDREN AND WHY IM STILL LIVING. I THINK MY HUSBAND TALKING TO ME AND MY CHILDREN HAVE BEEN THE ONLY REASON WHY IM STILL ALIVE TO ASK THESE QUESTIONS.

miaphillips gave this response on 5/5/2000:

Sorry to hear of this horrible thing that you are going through. My suggestion is that you go to a women's shelter and get help from there. They will be able to provide you with counselling and a person who may be able to mediate with the people who took your children away.

It is not your fault that this has happened, but let me just say here, that the fact that your husband abused you, and you still plan on continuing your marriage with him, may work against you in getting your children back. It is hard to walk away from a marriage, but you need to decide whom you want more - your abusive husband - or your children who need and love you very much. But as you say, your husband is determined to get his family back, and willing to undergo counselling to sort out his problems which says a lot about him.

The issue of your house being dirty needs to be addressed. Why was it dirty? Have you been feeling depressed for quite some time now? Do you lack any sort of motivation? I ask these questions not to berate you, but to try to understand what state of mind you have been in, to allow the house to get dirty. You need to see it from the State's point of view. They don't know you, they can only go on what they see. They obviously feel that with what the have seen of the house, that the children are better off elsewhere.

In many peoples views, a clean house reflects a clean mind, a caring mother etc. Whilst you may care for your children very much, you clearly need help and counselling to get you back on track.

The State's first priority is to the children. This much you have to accept. Go to the women's shelter as I have suggested, and get the help that you need. Clean up your house. I know that with children it is hard to keep a tidy house, but for the sake of the children's health, it really does need to be clean.

And with the help of the women's shelter, be patient (I know that it is extremely difficult because you love your children so much and that you are hurting) and work with them to help you present yourself to the State as "reformed" and most able to care for your children. Now, this may take a while, but it will be worth it. In the meantime, make it clear to your children that you still love them very much, and that you are doing everything in your power to get them back. Be honest with the 13 yr old, she is big enough to understand.

Don't do anything drastic. It's hard enough for your children being away from you, but if you committed suicide, then what will they have then? As a mother, you must be strong for them. You cannot cause them any more grief. One of the most difficult things on this earth is to be seperated from your children. But you need to be there for them.

Good luck, God be with you and my warmest wishes to you. Mia

Anonymous asked this follow-up question on 5/6/2000:

My house was dirty because for four months I had kidney problems and after that went away I started to have female problems which was VERY painful. I had to have surgery to remove a cyst and mild endomertosis. Im not sure if you have kids or not but how would you like it if your husband beat you up ANd your children were taken in the span of three hours? Trust me when I say you would want to die too. My 13 year old is in a severe mental crisis. They know about this and have yet to do anything about it. As soon as I get my kids im am going to leave this state and they all can go to hell. Further if I had committed suicide then that would have been on the state and my husband. On Monday I have to go admit to some things that are not true just so I can get my children back which is bull. Also my 13 year old daughter refuses to keep her room clean. If it gets messed up she says "Tre Von did it" he is 3. My house is clean and its hard to keep it clean with all bleach white lenolium floors!!

miaphillips gave this response on 5/6/2000:

Thank you for this for the clarification. I completely understand what you are going through, only it wasn't the government or "State" who took away my child, it was her father who beat me, that took her. And NO, I didn't like it. It was the hardest thing in the world.

Like you I became suicidal, but I had to be strong. I couldn't do it because of my child. Although you say here that if you went through with the suicide, it would be on the State and your husband, you are WRONG. Your children will be the ones who suffer the most. You are their mom, they love you more than anything.

As to your house not being clean due to your illnesses, this is completely understandable. Clearly you were not at fault here. However, I do URGE you even more now to seek help from the women's shelter. Through them, you will not have to lie. You will be able to tell the truth (about your illness), and they will help you in every way they can.

As to your 13 yr old, she is going through adolesence hence her blatant disobedience. This mental crisis she is experiencing is not unusual for this type of situation. But can you imagine how she would be affected if you did kill yourself? This type of trauma will set her back for years.

PLEASE GO TO THE WOMEN'S SHELTER NOW!!!! Praying for you, Mia

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