KARENOFST asked this question on 5/5/2000:
DEAR DOVE: I AM ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED. AT FIRST MY BOYFRIEND (FIANCEE) SEEMED SO CARING AND KIND. BUT THEN HE GREW MORE AND MORE OVERPROTECTIVE AND CONTROLLING. NOW HE DOES THINGS LIKE TELL ME I CANNOT CUT MY HAIR OR SEE MY RELATIVES. I AM GETTING SCARED. IF IT IS LIKE THIS NOW, WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN WE ARE MARRIED. IS THIS A FORM OF ABUSE? PLEASE HELP ME BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.
DoveWingsT gave this response on 5/5/2000:
DEAR KAREN!
I THINK DEEP IN YOUR HEART YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION. BUT LET ME TAKE IT A STEP FURTHER FOR YOU.
SIGNS TO LOOK FOR THAT YOU MAY BE GETTING INVOLVED WITH AN ABUSER.
1. JEALOUSY: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. They will question you about who you talk to, where you go, who's calling etc.
2. ATTEMPTED CONTROL: At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because they want to make sure you are safe and make good decisions. They will be angry if you are "late" coming back from the store or an appointment. Questions will seem like accusations as to where you have been. At this type of controlling behavior gets worse, the abuser ultimately will attempt to keep you from making decisions for your personal things, house, money, clothing, jobs, children.
3. JUMPING THE GUN: Many victims dated or knew their abuser for a very short period of time before they were living together, engaged or married fast. Abusers will attempt to tell you things such as your the one, we have to do this now, showing impatience when you say no this is too soon.
4. EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs: the perfect wife/husband , mother/father. They may say things like "if you love me, I'm all you will do this for me implying guilt. This gives the victim that they are never good enough.
5. ISOLATION: The abusive person tries to cut the partner off from all resources. Friends, family members and outside events that do not include them.
6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If he is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing him wrong or is out to get him. He may make mistakes and then blame the woman for upsetting him so that he can't concentrate on his work. He will tell the woman that she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: He will tell the woman, "you made me mad" and "I can't help being angry," Although he actually makes the decision about how he thinks or feels, he will use feelings to manipulate the woman.
8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: An abuser is easily insulted, and may take the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. He will rant and rave about the injustice of things that are really just a part of living, such as being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, or being asked to help with chores.
9. VERBALLY ABUSIVE: Abusers will tell you things like you are stupid, not good enough, cant you do that better, very cruel hurtful things.
10. THREATS: Comments such as I will slap your face, shut your mouth or you will feel my wrath.
11. EXPLOSIVE BEHAVIOR: An abuser will take things that their victims hold precious, and literally destroy them.
PLEASE ASK ME ANYTIME AND/OR EMAIL ME AT DOVEWINGST@AOL.COM http://www.sielnttears.org VISIT ME ON THE WEB !
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