KARENOFST asked this question on 5/5/2000:
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF YOUNG CHILDREN SURVIVING UNSCATHED FROM AN ABUSIVE HOUSEHOLD? I HAVE A DAUGHTER IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, AND I AM SO WORRIED ABOUT MY TWO GRANDDAUGHTERS AGED TWO AND FOUR MONTHS. IT WORRIES ME NIGHT AND DAY. MY DAUGHTER IS A GOOD MOTHER IN MOST RESPECTS, BUT I AM AFRAID NOTHING SHE DOES CAN PROTECT MY BABIES FROM THEIR INSANE CONTROLLING FATHER. ANY SUGGESTONS?
DoveWingsT gave this response on 5/5/2000:
DEAR KAREN
received your letter asking for help for your daughter. Your situation can be extremely frustrating. The fact is your daughter MUST open her eyes up to the abuse One thing about me is I am very up front and honest and I dont beat around the bush so to speak, I want to caution you on one thing and stress is to you. Only the one being abused will be able to make that choice to leave thier abuser. I know your frustrtated and want to see her out of that situation. but until she is ready it wont happen. Here are some tips and some web sites that will better help you. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance to you. And let your friend know about us also. She is welcome to join and so are you. You can feel free to join to learn more about this and how to help. If this is something you wish to do let me know and I will add you to our mailing list and feel free to attend any of our chats as well. Here are some things for you to read.
If Someone You Know Is Being Abused...
You may have a friend, relative, or neighbor who is being abused. You may have witnessed the violence, heard it, seen physical signs of it, or merely suspected it for various reasons. What should you do? Ask direct questions, gently. Give her ample opportunity to talk. Don't rush into providing solutions.
Listen - without judging. Abused women often believe their abusers' negative messages. They feel responsible, ashamed, inadequate, and are afraid they will be judged.
Let her know that you support and care about her, that she's not responsible for the violence, that only the abuser can stop the violence.
Explain that physical violence in a relationship is never acceptable, at any time. There's no excuse for it - not alcohol or drugs, not financial pressures, not depression, not jealousy.
Make sure she knows that she's not alone - that millions of American women from every ethnic, racial, and socioeconomic group suffer from abuse , and that many women find it difficult to leave.
Also explain that domestic violence is a crime - as much of a crime as robbery or rape - and that she can seek protection from the justice system.
In your daughters cas there are children, reinforce your concern for them, letting her know that domestic violence is damaging to children. In fact, you may want to reach out to support her children, and let them know you're there for them too.
Let her know that it is likely that, in spite of his promises, the violence will continue and, probably, escalate.
Emphasize that when she is ready, she can make a choice to leave the relationship, and that there is help available. Provide her with information about local resources - the phone number of the local domestic violence hotline, support groups, counseling, shelter programs, and legal advocacy services.
She may need financial assistance, or help finding a place to live, or a place to store her belongings. She may need assistance to escape. Decide if you feel comfortable helping out in these ways.
Contact your local domestic violence program yourself for advice or guidance.
If she is planning to leave, remind her to take important papers with her, such as birth certificates, passports, health insurance documents, etc.
If she remains in the relationship, continue to be her friend while at the same time firmly communicating to her that she and her children do not deserve to be in this violent situation.
If you see or hear an assault in progress, call the police. But because these assaults are often dangerous, do not physically intervene.
Karen, Please Email me anytime if you need to talk. DoveWingsT@aol.com http://www.silenttears.org
DoveWingsT gave this follow-up answer on 5/5/2000:
Here is a little info on just why the victims stay!WHY WOMEN STAY
Fear of another beating or being murdered. Can't stop the threats, stalking, or harassment. Nowhere safe to go. No money, food, or transportation. Fear of losing children. Retaliation by his family and friends. Can't get protection orders or custody orders enforced. The "system" believes him or doesn't hold him accountable. Would lose job, home, family, and community. Negative response from community, police, court, or social services. Afraid of impact on the children; they need a father. Fear of partner doing something to get me in trouble with the law or social services. Need time to prepare and time to leave. Advice of spiritual person/ritual abuse. Guilt about what I did; I'm responsible for the violence. Cultural beliefs. Can't use resources because of how they're provided. Believed things would get better after the arrest. If I stayed, I'd know what to expect. Fear of being alone. This is the best I can do. I still care about him. Too exhausted - not healed from the beating.
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