Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:
What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?
DoveWingsT gave this response on 5/5/2000:
TRY TO GET HIM TO OPEN COMMUNICATION AND REALLY TALK ABOUT THIS PROBLEM HE HAS AND THAT YOU WILL NOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE! Being Respectful: Listening to her non-judgmentally. Being emotionally affirming and understanding. Valuing her thoughts, feelings and opinions. Honor her individual way of being and walking her path
Sexual Respect: Understand the difference between love, sex and intimacy. Treat your partner as you would a Pipe. Respect her feelings and her rights to choose her relationships and control her body.
Partnership: Treat your partner as an equal and whole human being. Respect her decisions and opinions. Listen with your heart. Share responsibilities based on skills, interests and fairness.
Cultural Respect: Understand your relationship to others and all things in Creation. Be responsible for your role: act with compassion and respect. Respect and accept that people have their own path. Humbly respect her Path as being equally important as yours.
Spiritual Reflection: Meditate about walking your own Path. Reflect on your relationship with the Creator. Make time to be alone in Nature. Recognize and express thanks for your blessings. Focus on the inner balance of your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual self: Practice humility.
Trust and Support: Supporting her goals in life. Respecting her right to her own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions. Helping provide the resources she needs and wants. Respecting her "space" and privacy.
Honesty and Accountability: Accept responsibility for your self, including your actions and words, things that you should have done. Acknowledge your past use of violence and the ongoing impact it has. Admit being wrong. Communicate openly, truthfully and respectfully.
Responsible Parenting: Share all parental responsibilities. Be a positive, non-violent role model. Nurture your children; don't "baby-sit." Acknowledge that being an "absent parent" is neglect, not an excuse for not providing financial, emotional and other types of support in the best way you can. Parenting is difficult -- get support and words of wisdom from your relatives when needed.
Shared Responsibility: Mutually agree on a fair distribution of work. Make family decisions together. Do your share without being reminded. Seek help or learn more about the things you are responsible for if needed.
Economic Partnership: Make money decisions together. Make sure both partners are aware of, understand, and benefit from financial arrangements.
Negotiation and Fairness: Seek mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict. Accept change as part of life, not a threat. Be willing to compromise. Try to find answers to problems where everyone's needs are met.
Non-Threatening Behavior: Talking and acting in a way that makes her to feel safe and comfortable expressing herself and doing things. Respecting how your past use of violence continues to affect her.
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