superbumblebee@... asked this question on 4/28/2000:

Dear Dove I have a question for you . I just stopped by the males as victums page and my husband say that I too abused him. this might be true. I have hit him. He says that the way I kept the house was abusive. and so on is this possible and how do you know if it is truely two way or just him trying to make you feel guilty? Bonnie

DoveWingsT gave this response on 4/29/2000:

Bonnie:

Here is a check list to go over, I will be creating a section for "Abusers " That will have all this information on it. But look this list over ok. And let me know how you feel.

DO YOU ABUSE AND NOT KNOW IT? ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS!

Is your partner afraid of you ? Are you jealous of your partner? Do you need to know where your partner is at all times and with whom and doing what? Are you very protective of your partner? Do you consider yourself the ruler of your castle? Do you feel like sometimes you have to put your foot down to straighten things out in your relationship? Have you ever hit, slapped, choked or pushed your partner? Do you feel like your partner just couldn't survive without your help? Do you need to feel needed? Have you ever said "Don't make me MAD!"? Have you ever threatened your partner? Have you ever said something that your partner might consider a threat, even if you never really would do it or were just joking? Have you ever said or thought "If I can't have you, nobody can!"? Have you found that all of your partners seem to turn into the same (annoying, infuriating) person after a while? Have you ever had sex shortly after a violent episode? Have you ever thrown things or hit walls during an argument with your partner? Do you find yourself "convincing" your partner on a regular basis to do things that he or she would rather not do? Do you consider it important that things go your way? Do you think that your partner sometimes deserves to be hit? Do you think that your partner sometimes wants to be hit? Have you ever found yourself smiling or laughing when your partner is hurt? Have you been arrested for violent behavior ? Have you ever gone to jail for violent behavior ? overly sensitive people blew your behavior way out of proportion? Have you ever intentionally harmed or broken something which was important to your partner?

Have you ever been afraid to tell someone about something that happened between you and your partner because you were afraid that they wouldn't understand and that you would be in trouble (maybe even legal trouble)? Do you feel like you're surrounded by people who are less intelligent? Do you feel like you need to protect your family from meddling outsiders who just don't or won't understand the way things work in your family? Have you ever seen your partner "tune out" while you were yelling at him or her? Have you ever seen your partner honestly fear you? Are you afraid to ask for help in addressing your behavior because: you might lose your job? you might lose your friends? it will be too expensive? you might lose your family? you don't want to be the only one changing? Have you ever followed your partner when he or she didn't want you to? Have you ever physically stopped your partner from leaving? Is it important to you that others, particularly your partner, agree with you? Would you be completely non-violent and non-threatening "if only...."?

Have you been told by your partner or others that you are: selfish? mean? controlling? critical? stubborn? manipulative? cruel? arrogant? hypocritical?

DoveWingsT gave this follow-up answer on 5/5/2000:

HI

JUST FOLLOWING UP WITH YOU TO SEE HOW THINGS ARE GOING SINCE YOU POSTED YOUR QUESTION TO ME ON THE ASK ME BOARD!!

DOVEWINGST

The average rating for this answer is 3.