Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:

What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?

DoveWingsT gave this response on 5/5/2000:

HERE IS SOME INFORMATION YOU CAN PASS ON TO YOUR BOY FRIEND AND YES THERE IS HELP OUT THERE BUT YOU MUST REALIZE THAT HE MUST WANT THE HELP AND YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM,. BUT YOUC CAN CHANGE YOURSELF AND HOW YOU LIFE AND MAKE CHOICES FOR YOU!! DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT? THINK ABOUT THAT. BECUASE IT WILL GET WORSE!!! ______________________________________________

Admit you need help. Change is easier when you have help and support. Don't try to solve this problem alone. Learned abusive behavior can be unlearned.

Confide in someone. Be honest about your behavior. Find a friend or counselor to talk with who will help you make changes. Making changes will make you feel better about yourself.

Don't blame. You are responsible for understanding and changing your abusive actions. Don't blame your partner, anger, jealousy, alcohol, drugs, or other stresses.

Don't wait until you are abusive again and hurt the person you care for. Go for help. Take time out from relationships.

Aid to Victims of Domestic Abuse ("AVDA") in Houston, Texas. They can be reached at (713) 224-9911 for legal advocacy and outreach. They offer a program for batterers called PIVOT, which can be reached at (713) 524-4357.

The average rating for this answer is 3.