Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:

What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?

symonie_2000 gave this response on 5/3/2000:

Anonymous,

I strongly believe that people cannot control their emotions, but they can control their behavior, so there IS no excuse for what he does to you. Obviously, he doesn't love you, because of what he does to you. It doesn't matter how many times he says he loves you or how many carats are on the jewelry he buys you or how many times he cooks you gourmet meals. Violence can never be justifiable. There's NO reason for it. There are other ways of controlling anger, but abuse shouldn't be one of them. Sadly enough, it is, and people have a hard time pulling away from it, because of their low self-esteem. I believe people deserve much more than sometimes given credit for, and that means you. You don't have to put you with his anger. You need to learn to assert yourself and stand up for yourself. He has to realize that you can't be someone he lashes out at just because his mother was controlling. There's this quote I read on the 'net the other day. It went something like this:

"People and experiences may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become."

If your boyfriend wants to change, even though I know that's NEVER the case in abusive relationships, he can go for therapy and get help. But I strongly suggest, in your own best interest, that you leave him and get on with your life. I'm sure you already have enough to deal with, don't you? I wish you luck...

symonie_2000

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