Anonymous asked this question on 5/2/2000:

I am in and out of this same abusive relationship for 19 years. I keep going back. I know in my heart things will never change. Please tell me how to stop?

lakers gave this response on 5/2/2000:

First, you need to ask yourself some questions and be straight about the answers:

Was I abused as a child? Did I grow up in an abusive home where my mother/father was an abuser? If so, you have the start of why you allow yourself to be in an abusive relationship. It is what you saw growing up and is what you think is normal.

What good am I getting out of this relationship? Take a frank look at why you stay.

What is bad about this relationship? Get very detailed in your thoughts of this.

If I knew everything about this person BEFORE I was involved with him-good and bad- would I respect him? Would I want anything to do with him? What kind of person would I think he was? Would I want my daughter picking a man like him? I have a feeling you will probably say NO.

Am I staying because of economic reasons- no means of support? If you answered YES- get in touch with a non-profit organization called "Yellow Brick Road." It teaches women in abusive relationships skills so they can work and get out. Almost 100% of the women leave the relationship when they complete the program. Oprah Winfrey just recognized this program and contributed $50K to it.

Have I gone to counseling for battered women? If not, why not? If yes- you weren't ready to listen to what was said. Try again.

I have worked with women who were nearly killed, disfigured by severe burning and left with brain damage who stayed with/defended their men- to a point. Until the point that I believed in them. Until I could tell them the good things about themselves and keep in there for them. For many of these women it took months for them to hear me. You have to be ready to listen. Find someone who believes in you- I do already, but I am not nearby. You have taken a tremendous step and know you need to leave. Decide to make friends with people who will support you, be your cheering section, your strength. Turn to the church if you need to. Tell yourself- I am a good person and I don't deserve this!! The rest of my life starts today and I am not wasting any more of it being a victim.

You know and I know that you can get out and stay away. It's hard to break old habits, but you can do it.

Remember the saying: If you think you are beaten, you are. If you think you dare not, you don't. If yuou'd like to win, but think you can't it's almost a cinch you won't. If you think you'll lose, you're lost. For out in the world we find success begins with a person's will-it's all in your state of mind. If you think you're outclassed, you are. You've got to think high to rise. You've got to be sure of yourself before you can win any prize. Life's battles don't always got to the stronger or faster woman. Sooner or later the one who wins is the one who thinks: I CAN!

You are in my thoughts. I know you will be the winner if you tell yourself you can.

Best of luck.