Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:

What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?

judilj50 gave this response on 4/30/2000:

Hi. First..there is no excuse for domestic abuse...You were not born to be hit, punched, verbally abused, emotionally abused. you say at times he doesn't hit you enough to make it hurt but it does hurt you...not physically, but abusively. I recommend that you find a support group in your area. To find one, call the local shelter for abused women and talk to the crisis worker that answers. She will put you in line for one. Now, you ask if counseling will help him. Yes, it will but only if he wants the help. If he goes to it thinking that this is the way to get you back, it will not work. There are batterers groups, too that will help him but again only if he wants help. Now another thing. All abuse goes in a cycle. First is the honeymoon stage and everything is fine, then the stage where things start to heat up and then the explosion stage and then back to the honeymoon stage. But as time goes on, the honeymoon stage gets shorter and shorter and the explosion stage takes up the slack. Many women think they can change the man and keep going back, but someday the only way they may leave is in a body bag. Please do not let that be you. In Michigan, during 1999 73 women were killed due to domestic violence. Statewide, every 9 seconds a woman is suffering some type of abuse. Please do not be a statistic. You are worth so much more than that. You are still the special person God intended you to be. Any other questions, please feel free to write. Good Luck and God bless.

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