Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:
What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?
harmonizor gave this response on 4/28/2000:
Therapy dosen't tend to change people overnight and you seem to know the answer by the flavor of your question and the scenerio you layed out. Find someone more stable unless you think this person is worth a lifetime commitment. Both of you would have to be committed to change and a lot of ups and downs. This 59 year old is probably pretty set in his ways. Deep rooted problems that continue this long out of the nest tend to be pretty much perpetual from my experience and back ground. Don't go cruising for a companion just do the things you like to do and if by chance you run into a soulmate let a new relationship begin. Invest in your interests if people who have something in common or that are willing to support you in your interests come along you will be much better off. A person that responds in a mean an vindictive way towards others would have to have some very redeeming qualities to make them worth a long term commitment wouldn't you say. I'm not a statistitian but I don't think chances of doing well with this fellow are good at all. move on and enjoy life if this person returns into your life only accept good behavior from him, or use the oppertunity to end your relationship if it is a safe controlled envoirnment. Don't trust clandestine rondevous with this fellow until he prooves he can change, if you do decide to see him again. Just be careful and true to yourself. Take care... Help
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