Anonymous asked this question on 4/20/2000:

My ex-husband refuses to let me get on with my life. He was emotionally abusive while we were married but became physically abusive after I left. He has seen Dr's and been an out patient a couple of times since we seperated but he still can not accept the fact that I left. He has threatened suicide a couple of times and has stalked, beaten, raped and taped me over the last year. I want his family to get involved and try to help him because I believe that he feels like no one loves him and by his family not getting involved it is just making him more desperate to try to keep me. He wants to be loved more than anything else I think that is why he won't let go. He thinks everyone he ever loved has left him so he thinks he can stop me. Do you know of any programs or ca you suggest what needs done?

DoveWingsT gave this response on 4/27/2000:

Most of us are aware that name calling is verbally abusive. If you have been called idiot, dummy, bitch, or any other derogatory name, you have been verbally abused. Name calling is the most obvious form of verbal abuse and is not difficult to recognize. Other forms of verbal abuse are less evident. Recognizing these forms of abuse in adult-couple relationships can be very difficult for many reasons. Some primary reasons follow:

1. Mostly, verbal abuse is secretive. Usually only the partner of the abuser hears it. 2. Verbal abuse becomes more intense over time. The partner becomes used to and adapted to it. 3. Verbal abuse takes many forms and disguise. 4. Verbal abuse consistently discounts the partner's perception of the abuse.

Verbal abuse is, in a sense, built into our culture. One-upmanship, defeating, putting down, topping, countering, manipulating, criticizing, hard selling, and intimidation are accepted as fair games by many. When these power plays are enacted in a relationship and denied by the perpetrator, confusion results.

The following evaluation is designed to help you determine if you are experiencing verbal abuse in a relationship....

1. He seems irritated or angry with you several times a week or more although you hadn't meant to upset him. You are surprised each time. (He says he's not mad when you ask him what he's mad about, or he tells you in some way that it's your fault.) 2. When you feel hurt and try to discuss your upset feelings with him, you don't feel as if the issue has been fully resolved, so you don't feel happy and relieved, nor do you have a feeling that you've "kissed and made up," (He says, "you're just trying to start an argument!" or in some other way expresses his refusal to discuss the situation.) 3. You frequently feel perplexed and frustrated by his responses because you can't get him to understand your intentions. 4. You are upset not so much about concrete issue how much time to spend with each other, where to go on vacation, etc.-as about the communication in the relationship: what he thinks you said and what you heard him say. 5. You sometimes wonder, "What's wrong with me? I shouldn't feel so bad." 6. He rarely, if ever, seems to want to share his thought or plans with you. 7. He seems to take the opposite view from you and almost everything you mention, and his view is not qualified by "I think" or "I believe" or "I fell"- as if your view were wrong and his were right. 8. You sometimes wonder if he perceives you as a separate person. 9. You can't recall saying to him, "Cut it out!" or "Stop it!" 10. He is either angry or has "no idea of what you're talking about"when you try to discuss an issue with him.

The average rating for this answer is 3.8.

Anonymous rated this answer a 4.