Anonymous asked this question on 4/26/2000:

Two months ago, my first boyfriend was hit by a train and killed (we don't know if it was suicide or not). My question is complicated. He hit me during our relationship and verbally abused me, as well. He threatened to kill himself if I ever left and two years afterward this "accident" occured. I have problems dealing with it as I feel partially to blame-if I only got him help, etc. Should I feel so guilty? His mother told me he never really got over me and never had a real girlfriend after me. Obviously I feel like it's my fault. It's probably ridiculous to feel this way but my question is:

How do I get over this and learn to deal with it?

sparky17 gave this response on 4/26/2000:

It isn't your fault what happened to your ex. And don't let this boy's mother or anyone else try to put you on a guilt trip. There wasn't anything you could have done for him. He had to get the help that he needed. You did the right thing by getting out. If you are a member of a church, talk to your Pastor. I was molested as a child, and when my stepdad died it was like a load was lifted off my shoulders. I looked at it this way, he couldn't hurt me any more. No matter what happens, you are the important one. Take time and be good to yourself.

Anonymous asked this follow-up question on 4/27/2000:

I felt relieved in some ways when my ex died too. I actually felt bad because before I cried I thought, "He'll never be able to hurt me again." It really made me feel "more human" to hear you say the same thing. I never really stopped caring for him because I knew he needed help and truly didn't mean what he did because I could see he had a hard time living with himself- which is what pains me the most- to think that he might have done this to finally end his misery. I wish he'd picked a helpful and less selfish thing to do because he just hurt me more this way. The fact is, I wonder if he knew I forgave him. I don't think he did and I hate thinking that he died "knowing" that I hated him. That hurts me the most.

Thanks again for your advice. I truly appreciate it.

sparky17 gave this response on 4/27/2000:

You may never know the answer to that question, but it will take some time to understand what happened. But what ever happens, you are on the road to recovery. You are your own person, and don't ever sell yourself short. Find a good grief support group. That will help. Depending on your age, find a church that offers classes for singles. Something that I do is give my problems to the Lord. I couldn't have made it this far without Him. Have faith my dear. It will get better. I know, I've been there done that. keep me posted.

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