Anonymous asked this question on 4/26/2000:
Two months ago, my first boyfriend was hit by a train and killed (we don't know if it was suicide or not). My question is complicated. He hit me during our relationship and verbally abused me, as well. He threatened to kill himself if I ever left and two years afterward this "accident" occured. I have problems dealing with it as I feel partially to blame-if I only got him help, etc. Should I feel so guilty? His mother told me he never really got over me and never had a real girlfriend after me. Obviously I feel like it's my fault. It's probably ridiculous to feel this way but my question is:
How do I get over this and learn to deal with it?
wwnelsonfive11 gave this response on 4/26/2000:
Anonymous:
One of the methods most abusers use is that of guilt. One of the keys that I see in my practice is the victim starts taking on the resposibility for the abusers actions. Sounds crazy....and it probably is! But it is a fact. It's the victims "fault" because they do things that "cause" the abuser to abuse.
After the victim courageously leaves the relationship, this tactic becomes even more pronounced! Threats of suicide are very very common. These threats are designed to do two things: To try to manipulate the victim into returning to the relationship out of fear that they would follow through with this threat. And, to continue to transfer the guilt for the abuse upon the victim.
Rarely does the abuser follow through with this threat. But, sometimes they do. When they do, they tend to do it in the most spectacular....and disgusting way. I had one experience with one that invited his estranged wife to come over and take her car from the garage. Then he went into the garage and blew his brains out! To them this is the ultimate "get-back"!
Please understand that this is, in no way, your fault! If it was suicide it was simply due to his own problems. When you left him you did the best thing you could do for him! The vast majority of abusers never get help until someone forces them to by leaving them or some other drastic measure. I have had many cases in which the abuser got help either after the victim left the relationship, or the police got involved....or both.
I admire you for caring for him after you left. But, please! Do not take on any guilt for his actions....or inactions! He and he alone is responsible for those.
Remember, it doesn't matter whether it was an accident or suicide. You couldn't have prevented either from happening. It's ok for you to feel sad that it happened. But it had nothing to do with you!
God Bless You,
William
Anonymous asked this follow-up question on 4/27/2000:
William,
Thank You so much for your advice and just for taking the time to ease my mind. It's just that it was such a selfish thing to do if he planned this and I just keep thinking that the worst thing of all is that he probably died thinking that I hate him when I really understood that he had problems to deal with and solve. It's just that "I wish" keeps running through my mind and I wonder when it will finally end. I guess you just have to learn to live with it and never really get over it.
For 23, I feel like I've aged to at least 40 now. It's a shame that I'll never get that change back, either.
Thank you for your help, again.
wwnelsonfive11 gave this response on 4/27/2000:
It sounds like you've got a clearer picture now. However, just because you're "experienced" now (I prefer to say that instead of "aged") doesn't mean you can't enjoy life. And, that's just what you have to learn to do. Put this behind you and find things to think about that you enjoy.
One thing you can do for yourself, too, is to accept that you had the strength to get out of that relationship, and that you still had the ability to care about him. Be proud of yourself and develop that strength and caring. I'm proud of you too.
God Bless,
William
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Anonymous rated this answer a 5.