Anonymous asked this question on 4/20/2000:

My ex-husband refuses to let me get on with my life. He was emotionally abusive while we were married but became physically abusive after I left. He has seen Dr's and been an out patient a couple of times since we seperated but he still can not accept the fact that I left. He has threatened suicide a couple of times and has stalked, beaten, raped and taped me over the last year. I want his family to get involved and try to help him because I believe that he feels like no one loves him and by his family not getting involved it is just making him more desperate to try to keep me. He wants to be loved more than anything else I think that is why he won't let go. He thinks everyone he ever loved has left him so he thinks he can stop me. Do you know of any programs or ca you suggest what needs done?

IHaveOvercome gave this response on 4/27/2000:

I was married to a man for 10 years much like your ex-husband sounds. However, mine became physically abusive during the marriage. I was not allowed friends, to go anywhere, could not work, buy anything, etc. His famous words to me was that I needed to thank my lucky stars that he would have me because no one else ever would. When we had children it was even more ammunition for him, no-one wanted someone with kids. I also tried to get his family involved and they wouldn't. They did not get involved because frankly, they couldn't believe their precious son was acting in such a way. I also had to be doing something to cause him to act like that. Years after our divorce, I found out that many of the men in his family were just like him with abuse. It took me 5 years to get a divorce because of his families political ties in the community and frankly, I had to trick him to do it. I merely explained to him that our marriage was such a shambles and that we needed to close that bad era before we could work on a new one. As for a restraining order – let me wise you up on these. Don't waste your time. I had them, all of them. He would break into my house and cut up my clothes, items given to me by friends, watch me sleeping, etc. When I called the police they told me the same thing everytime…since you were married to him, they really aren't going to do anything. I finally got him put in jail by going through the District Attorney's office for beating me up and ransacking my house. That coupled with the numerous complaints they found from years prior gave them a case for jail. This actually only made things worse once he got out. What worked best for me was actually a serious of events. I gave him a list; a very detailed, gentle yet stringent list of things he had to accomplish before I would consider seeing him again and working on a new beginning for us. Keep in mind, I had no intention of us getting back together but I felt I had to do something when he started the suicide threats. This list was compiled of all of the shallow promises he had made during our marriage as well as monetary items and most importantly regularly attended counseling for a set amount of time. The agreement was that until the list was completed, we couldn't talk. He earnestly began working on the list. However, this type of person finds it difficult to truly do for another therefore the list began to be too much and then the good old male ego kicked in – who does she think she is, I shouldn't have to do this for her type scenarios. He also couldn't come to me and tell me I should come back to him when he couldn't do those things for me. He drifted out as I also remarried. Then he only fought me with child support. He kept us in and out of court for years and to date hasn't paid in 4 years but I just don't pursue it anymore – the peace is more valuable than the money. Understand that even with court orders for restrainment, peace bonds, even court ordered child support – the system just really doesn't fight hard enough yet so you have to learn to survive. My greatest help was prayer and reasoning with his gentle side.

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