Anonymous asked this question on 4/26/2000:
Two months ago, my first boyfriend was hit by a train and killed (we don't know if it was suicide or not). My question is complicated. He hit me during our relationship and verbally abused me, as well. He threatened to kill himself if I ever left and two years afterward this "accident" occured. I have problems dealing with it as I feel partially to blame-if I only got him help, etc. Should I feel so guilty? His mother told me he never really got over me and never had a real girlfriend after me. Obviously I feel like it's my fault. It's probably ridiculous to feel this way but my question is:
How do I get over this and learn to deal with it?
miaphillips gave this response on 4/26/2000:
This is definitely NOT your fault. If it were a suicide, the onus is not on you, it falls solely on your ex. With suicide, even though it is a painful and tormenting time for the individual comtemplating it, those who follow thru with it are selfish. This sounds really heartless, and when I first heard of this term being applied to suicide, I was aghast. But upon thinking about it, you realise that it is.
Your ex obviously had a lot of problems. Abusing you and threatening to kill himself signals that he was a very insecure and unstable individual. It is not your fault that he was not able to get over you. You had to get out of the relationship (and I tip my hat to you for having the courage to leave). Unfortunately, people like your ex, use guilt as a powerful weapon against the people that they are involved with.
It was NOT up to you to try to get him help. You were the one being abused. You did what you had to do. He was the one messing with your head, to stay any longer would have been a huge mistake. His problems were too deepset for you to ever hope helping him overcome. Even if you had tried to get him counselling, it would have been entirely up to him whether or not he wanted to get well. And if he had any hope of considering this, then he would have seeked help himself.
By feeling guilty, you are letting him continue to abuse you beyond his death. This is exactly what he planned on you doing.
May I suggest that you seek out some kind of support group. I know that there are alot of groups who help surviving friends and family of suicide victims. Contact your nearest womens shelter or womens group and they will be able to put you into contact with some that can help you. Do this even if you have doubts as to whether or not it was a suicide. The fact that you feel so guilty, means that you are viewing it in that way, and as such should be dealt with in the same manner.
Another suggestion, would be to ask one of the experts from the "death and dying" page of this website. I think they have a "suicide" section as well. They maybe able to direct you to the best type of support group that you need.
Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do, especially where death is concerned. But remember, you have nothing to forgive. This is NOT your fault. Good luck and best wishes to you at this time.
Mia
The average rating for this answer is 4.9.
Anonymous rated this answer a 5.
Mia--thank you for your help. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your advice and your time.