Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:

What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?

romeo2188 gave this response on 4/25/2000:

I'm sure there are alot of books out there but it seems that you know what you have to do. You cannot make someone go to counselingunless they want to. If he does go, he may get defensive and walk out. Men don't like to believe that they have a problem so it's very hard to get them to go. It's a man thing. They don't realize that a counselor is there to listen and talk about how he feels and what makes him angry... They think that they are going to be judged. No body, I don't care how much you love them has a right to put their hands on you out of anger. You keep falling into that I'm sorry, I love you thing they do. I did for a long time and it's hard to let go when you love someone I know. But you can not help someone that does not want help and I am sure that this man loves you, but sometimes you have to go on. There is nothing that I hate more than hearing in the news that someones better half hurt them physically and I have feared for my life so many times and I have been put in the Hospital many times, and I am telling you you need to say enough. I wish you the best of luck and becareful!!!!!!! romeo2188

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