Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:

What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?

Bliss100 gave this response on 4/25/2000:

Dear anny.

I have been a domestic violence counselor for 10 years. You are not alone. Your question is one every battered woman I have ever talked with asks. First: It is not your fault! You can do whatever he tells you whenever he tells you and it still isn't good enough. The reason for that is a battter MUST have TOTAL control at all times. Second: His upbringing has nothing to do with how he treats you now. What I mean is...he doesn't hit people at his job right? He doesn't hit the waitress when she gets his order wrong right? He doesn't hit strangers he make him angry either. The reasons why he doesn't is because he can control what he is doing and people will not let him get away with this kind of behavior. Once he does it to you once he will keep esculating till' he has full control of you. Your friends, what you wear, who you spend time with, the make up you are alllowed to use etc..

I could go on but I don't have enough space.

two good books I have used in counseling: "Encouragements for the Emotionally abused woman" by Beverly Engel and " The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.

good luck. And ps. Only 3 out of every 100 men who do go to batterer's counseling make any kind of signifigant change in their behavior. Plus, those three ususally find less obvious was to abuse than with their fists...

The average rating for this answer is 4.