Miikeyd asked this question on 4/25/2000:

Hello Rainbow lady,

I am a divorced dad custody primary of my 4 young children. My ex physically abused them bruises welts bloody noses. proven in court, supervised visits one year child abuse counseling and parenting class ordered. She still denies the abuse. However she now has unsupervised visits. She now is fighint for custody kids taped me swearing, lied said i pushed them, said i slap them. Result no abuse proven in court yet the two oldest allowed to live with her till a GAL looks at the case. temp order 3 months only. I have decree stating primary care her to have one supervised visit per week. Question why does the AWAP group still support her in her plight of being an abused woman? She lies to them... Any advice or suggestions? My order says i can have contact etc no counseling etc. She wants primary care and nothing less. I am willing to share kids. Will they actually give her primary care? thanks alot

mike kids 2 6 8 13B

rainbowlady gave this response on 4/25/2000:

Mike:

I'm not sure what GAL is or AWAP is, but let me try to answer your questions to the best of my ability.

You need to understand the nature of abuse. It is a cyclical thing. Abused children often grow up to be abusers. There are exceptions and there are also kids who were never abused who grow up to be abusive. These last ones are the ones I don't really understand, but that's not what your question is about. Chances are your wife grew up in an abusive household. Quite often the abuse may not be visible to ANYONE outside the immediate family. Doctors appt.s are made but suddenly have to be cancelled and rescheduled...time after time. That keeps the doctors from reporting the signs of abuse. Bruises and welts are often left on areas that will be covered by clothing even during play. Women who grow up in these kinds of environment often marry into abusive marriages. (PLEASE BE AWARE THAT I AM NOT EVEN SUGGESTING THAT YOU ARE AN ABUSIVE SPOUSE. I'm merely stating "the norm". It is NOT meant to be a suggestion that you are an abuser.) While these women may themselves be abusers, they are often also the victims of abuse at the hands of their partners. If your wife is seeking counseling from a woman's support group, then they may consider her an abused woman because of the abuse she suffered at the hands of her family, not at your hands. The effects of the abuse linger LONG after the actual abuse has stopped, and the behaviors the abuse has "taught" them are necessary take a long time to change and a great deal of will power to change. But as you have probably seen in your own children, despite the fact that SHE abused them, THEY still love her. Just as she probably still loves those who abused her (if she was indeed abused by family members). It is a love-hate relationship: they love their mom but hate what she does to them. If she is in counselling and not abusing them anymore, then she has the right to see them. However, I'm not sure that primary caregiver is what should be done right now. I don't know that that is in the best interests of the kids.

There is also another "darker" possibility. The court systems are admittedly prejudiced against men who WANT to be involved parents in their children's lives, especially if there are allegations of abuse. DV shelters and abuse hotlines, etc. MUST believe their clients unless there is proof otherwise. They don't have the resources to determine whether or not your wife is lying. They must take the client's word for it. However, if they do find out she's lying, and if they're anything like the shelter I used to work for, she won't get their help again. Abused women have enough working against them without other women taking advantage of the system that is set up to protect them. Unfortunately, with the plight of abused women so much "in the news", when a woman has the support of a local shelter, she has more credibility. For women who are using it to exact revenge on a spouse, it is indeed a miscarriage of justice. But I see it as akin to affirmative action: as long as people are fighting affirmative action, affirmative action is necessary because it means that people are looking for loopholes so they don't have to hire minorities, which means that there is still discrimination going on. On the whole, abused women are in dire need of assistance and the shelters that give them support, even legal support, work wonders for MOST women who seek their assistance. But there are those who do abuse the shelter's purpose and use it to exact revenge on a former partner. Those women do a disservice not only to all abused women but to their former partners and their children as well. What you are going through may seem grossly unfair and if everything is as you say it is (and I have no reason to believe you're lying...what can you gain from such a lie?), then you are being unfairly discriminated against. It is a shame, but I don't know what can be done without overhauling the entire family court and social services agencies in the nation.

As to whether they will actually give her primary care, I do not know. It is certainly a possibility. Maybe even a probability. The courts seem to think that children are better off with their mother than their father, and quite frankly, in many cases,that is probably true. However, in many states, kids that have reached a certain age are able to testify in court as to what parent they would like to live with. If there is no compelling reason to deny that request, the judge must allow the child to choose. I'm guessing the numbers are your kids ages and that would mean that probably on the 13 year old can actually choose (or at least inform the judge) who s/he wants to live with.

As a divorced mom of two boys, I strongly recommend that you and your wife learn to be civil for the sake of the kids. Please do NOT make your wife out to be the bad guy: to the kids, they still love her even if they were abused at her hands. You putting her down only makes them feel guilty for loving her and for "disappointing" you by loving her. This in turn makes them pull away from you. Kids are all too often used as pawns in a battle of egos between the parents, and if what you have said is true, it appears your wife is doing just that. In this case, it may be wise to do something like King Solomon once did to find out who was the real mother of the child. Sit your kids down (at least the three oldest) and tell them that although things didn't work out between you and their mother, that doesn't mean they have to stop loving both of you. Tell them that there is a dispute as to where the kids are going to live and that you want to avoid putting them through all the hassle of going to court. That you don't want them to have to hear any fighting that you and their mother may do. Tell them that you love them unconditionally. That they will always have a home with you and that you will never stop loving them, no matter what anyone else may try to tell them. That you know that it's hard on kids to have to pick and choose which parent to "side" with and that you don't think it's fair that htey have to do that. If you have tried to win them to your side, apologize for it. Say you were wrong to put them into the middle. That your problems with their mother have nothing to do with them. Then tell them that you only want them to be happy. That if they want to live with their mother, then that is where you want them to live. (Again, this is provided you're sure that she's not abusingthem still.) But remind them that if they ever change their mind, all they need to do is tell you and you will talk to their mom about letting them come to live with you. Tell them that if htey go, you will miss them, but you will be glad to know that they are happy. It will mkae you happy to know they're happy. Then tell them that if they want to live with you, they need to make sure that whenever they talk to the judge or social worker or caseworker, that they tell that to the judge/socialworker/caseworker. If they do decide to live with their mother, it is incumbent upon you to support that decision, showing your trust in them. They will remember that.

I hate seeing kids in the middle of custody battles. They don't deserve to have their lives played with to sooth the ego of one vengeful parent...

Love and Light, Rainbowlady