Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:

What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?

sharpurcell gave this response on 4/22/2000:

He has more than likely been acting like this for many years and people have been letting him get away with it. You are right, you do deserve better! No amount of counseling or medication will work unless the person admits he has a problem and actually wants help. You cannot look this up for him, HE must get out the yellow pages and find himself a therapist. If you do this for him he will slack off after going a few times, he must know that you are serious about leaving him unless he seeks help. He blows up and then calms down, says he's sorry and you come back, it's a circle and it gets real old, real quick. Trust me, I know. He will never change as long as you let him keep this circle going round and round. You need to get off of the merry-go-round and stick to your guns when you say you won't deal with him until he gets help. Tell him that you will be there for him, but only over the phone, and only once a day, or every other day. Don't let him drive you crazy by calling every hour. It does not matter how his parents acted, this man is old enough to realize that he's acting like an ass and he needs to take responsibility for his actions and stop treating you badly. No matter what you ever say or do, it won't be good enough for him because he has to be in control, which means that everyone else is not quite as bright as he is. Make him get help, hopefully he will honestly try because you don't want or need to spend the rest of your life being miserable. It doesn't matter how nice he is at other times when he starts going off on you for little or no reason at all. Even if he has a reason to be angry with you, there still is NO excuse in the world for him to get physical with you in any way. This is totally his problem, and like they say- you can't teach an old dog new tricks. He may be set in his ways after getting away with this behavior for so long. No matter what he says, he has done this to other people before you. You are certainly not the first person he has been abusive to, and I doubt you will be the last, don't let him convince you otherwise. Let me know how things go, and good luck!

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