Anonymous asked this question on 4/15/2000:

As a child from ages 4 to 6 I can remember my grandfather crawling on me and from there I've blocked it out. I guss I'm afraid of remembering what he actually did to me. I was almost raped by a family friend at 9 years old. When I was around 7 or 8 years old my aunt made me have sex with her. When I was 11 years old my uncle fondled me, made me take baths with him, made me drink liquor, made me look at playboy magazines, and he wanted to take pictures of me nude. He would take me riding with him and his friends. I wouldn't remember any thing till the next morning at home in my bed. I didn't tell any one is because back in those days noone would have believed me. I totally respected these people and looked up to them like they were my second parents. I'm now 35 years old and I'm not sure who I am anymore. My husband and I can't get along to well anymore because I want come to his every beckon call. My attitude toward men now is just that an attitude. My husband knows about all this but doesn't think it should affect my life now. I've tried counseling. They didn't seem to help me. I can't afford a counselor because of their outragous fees. What makes me so mad is now when I see one of them eveyting is okand should be forgotten. How should I try to get my life back together? I think if I get some of this sorted out my life with my family will get back to normal. Can you help? What would you suggest I do?, As a child from ages 4 to 6 I can remember my grandfather crawling on me and from there I've blocked it out. I guss I'm afraid of remembering what he actually did to me. I was almost raped by a family friend at 9 years old. When I was around 7 or 8 years old my aunt made me have sex with her. When I was 11 years old my uncle fondled me, made me take baths with him, made me drink liquor, made me look at playboy magazines, and he wanted to take pictures of me nude. He would take me riding with him and his friends. I wouldn't remember any thing till the next morning at home in my bed. I didn't tell any one is because back in those days noone would have believed me. I totally respected these people and looked up to them like they were my second parents. I'm now 35 years old and I'm not sure who I am anymore. My husband and I can't get along to well anymore because I want come to his every beckon call. My attitude toward men now is just that an attitude. My husband knows about all this but doesn't think it should affect my life now. I've tried counseling. They didn't seem to help me. I can't afford a counselor because of their outragous fees. What makes me so mad is now when I see one of them eveyting is okand should be forgotten. How should I try to get my life back together? I think if I get some of this sorted out my life with my family will get back to normal. Can you help? What would you suggest I do?

special_kgirl gave this response on 4/22/2000:

Dear Lost, I can certainly feel your pain, anger, and mistrust. I too was abused as a small child by several family members as well as a neighbor. It changes your life. I was so angry,and so sad; my life went from bad to worse. I became very promiscuous and let my life get caught up in drugs and alcohol. The innocence stolen from you is unpardonalbe, but it is something that you can learn to accept and take control of your life. Don't continue to give them the power to control and hurt you. Each and every time that you let them "control" the situation they are still abusing you, only in your mind not your body. It is something that will stay with you all your life, it is a part of you as much as the color of your hair and eyes, but it doesn't have to be "all" of you. I sometimes tell people that in some ways I am grateful that I went through some of the things that I did as a child. It has made me a stronger woman, a more loving, caring person, and of all it has made me a survivor. I don't really know where you are, and what your complete circumstances are, but most towns have a mental health dept.that could help you defray the cost of couseling. Please look into it as soon as possible. You are too young to let this continue to eat at you. I wish I had someone to talk to me at 35. I was almost 40 before I even told my best friend and my husband. I am now 49 and in therapy and I am learning that by forgiving, I am recieving my life back. You don't have to forget!!! Just learn to forgive,they are the sick ones, not you. You did nothing wrong, no matter what anyone tells you, you were the child and you could not control what happened to you. Please check into the mental health clinic about some help. I am here if you want to talk........

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